relationship problems

Dr. Laura Louis, PhD, founder of Atlanta Couples Therapy, discussed with us some of the common issues couples are facing during this odd time in history. You may find that your conflicts are more common, and less alarming, than you thought.

when things get really tough and you don’t get to ignore the issue – like when a pandemic takes you away from your friends, causes financial stress, and even potentially causes health issues – you can’t brush it under the rug. You have to deal with it

I will say that there is one job that is particularly trying on a relationship, and even more so when it’s the man in the relationship who has it. And that’s the job of chef. That is one high-octane job that has a way of really getting to a man’s head.

When we meet someone who is our opposite, there can be an initial excitement there, but we have to ask ourselves, “Is this a quality I think I can not only live with but enjoy?” Or…is it just the newness that’s fun for now, and eventually the differences will drive you crazy?

Maybe they were already spending most nights together, keeping a few items at one another’s places, but they still had their own separate homes. Then, bam, they had to make this decision: to quarantine together, or apart? Those who chose to do it together could be in for a very interesting experience.

Usually, in life, the very thing that will help us become stronger and more stable is also the thing that is the least fun and the least convenient…in the moment. Later, it pays off in dividends. But in the moment, it requires self-discipline, because it’s not fun.

When all of these pieces are there, but that spark isn’t, sometimes, we just try to force the spark. We lie to ourselves. We want to want what’s good for us. So, we stick around to see if our feelings can change—evolve.

You have a way of obscuring and ignoring the bad qualities. Friends or family will try to point out something your partner did wrong—or something he did that was strange—and you’ll turn on them. You’ll tell them that they are being negative or “unsupportive.”

Any time you want to blame your partner for some mistake, ask yourself what’s more important: fixing that thing, or having a good relationship. If you find that he forgot to hit the pre-rinse on the dishwasher, is it more important to say something about that right now, or to just…get along for the night?

You find yourself thinking a lot before you speak to your partner. That’s important to do in most areas of life, but your relationship should be the one place you can speak with no filter. But still, you find yourself thinking twice before saying something, or choosing your words carefully, for fear your partner will misunderstand you.

It’s important to keep working on yourself, even when you’re in a relationship. But you are still in a relationship, so when you work on yourself, it’s something you can share in with your partner. If you’re taking an evening class or joining a book club or traveling to a place you’ve never been, include your partner. Many people make the mistake of keeping their self-improvement to themselves, and being quite private about it. But that leaves their partner feeling left out and isolated.

This can be a tough one, and the truth is that most couples don’t get through it. That’s okay. You’re not really supposed to get through it with someone until you find the one. I would say that the end of the honeymoon is a good filter—it shows us who we can really stick with. But it still sucks when it happens. You notice both of you just…putting in less effort. You don’t feel that your partner is ecstatic to be around you. He stops doing little surprises for you. He stops worshipping the ground you walk on. It feels like he’s…content with mediocrity. And you’re slacking off in the small gestures and surprises department, too.