Research has found that different personality types responded very differently to the pandemic. There were even some troubling responses from sadistic and narcissistic personalities, who derived some pleasure from watching others have a difficult time. You might have learned things that either impressed you, or upset you, during this crisis. Was your partner a martyr who wanted to do all he could to help others? Or did he selfishly slam the door on a neighbor asking if he could spare some toilet paper? Did he panic and prepare for the worst, building a bunker in your home and ordering weapons built for the apocalypse? Or did he remain calm and trust things would work out?
Some couples move in together because they’re basically already spending every night together, so driving across town to see each other and packing a little overnight bag on a regular basis simply doesn’t make sense. But are these really good reasons to sign a lease with somebody? It’s a bigger deal than many realize.
My boyfriend will come in and give me this look when I’m eating because I have my entrée dish, salad bowl, cup, napkins, condiments, and things sprawled out over the table. “Can you clean this up?” He asks. “Um, yes, when I’m done eating. I’m kind of like in the middle of literally eating off of these things as we speak.”
“Well maybe we should just breakup, then!” “Maybe you should just leave me for what’s her name from your office.” “Maybe this isn’t meant to be!” “Maybe I should just pack up and leave!” Ah yes, the old breakup bluff. You don’t mean it. But you say it when you feel backed into a corner, and when your partner is calling you on some stuff that is true.
I’ve never shown him something for the home that he didn’t find overpriced. I’ll try so hard to find something deeply discounted or at an overstock store. “Too expensive” he says. “Ridiculous!” he insists. I’ll find a dining room table for $150 at a thrift store and he says it’s too much. How much does he think a table should cost? Five dollars? (Probably).
If I slept really badly, I resented my partner all day long. I struggle to fall back asleep once awake, so there would be nights when the sound of my partner coughing in his sleep would wake me up and then I’d be up for hours. The entire next day we lived under a cloud of my anger—I was exhausted and I felt it was all his fault. Now, if something does wake me—like construction or a dog barking outside—it wasn’t my partner. I’m not mad at him. We can be mad, together, at the construction.
Stop asking yourself, back and forth, if you should bring a jacket. Bring it. You know you’ll want it. When you don’t bring one, you complain that you’re cold all night and he has to hear about it.
Remember when you used to wrap these in toilet paper, and then put that in a shoe box, and then put that shoe box in a dumpster in the next town? Yeah. Now you just let them balance on the top of the overly full bathroom trash bin. Exposed. Unwrapped.
Then it gets worse: he wants you to speak. He has questions for you. What do you want to do today? Do you want some coffee? Did you remember to drop that letter off in the mail yesterday? What do you think about the new foreign policy? Or UGGs for men? Aaah!
There can be this freaky moment after a couple moves in—this, “Is this my life forever now?” moment. Moving in together is a big commitment. If you wanted to back out, it would involve breaking leases, sleeping on friends’ couches until you found a new place, and a lot of trouble. That reality can sink in, create all this pressure for things to go well, and cause fights.
You could have a house re-warming party. Invite friends, neighbors, and family over and have a house-warming party as if you and your partner are just moving into this place for the first time.
So one person doesn’t have to begrudgingly watch their show on their little laptop screen while the other gets the television. Or, so that sometimes you can watch a show in bed, and sometimes you can watch a show in the living room with friends.