She said things like, whether or not they’d be raised religious, whether they’d opt for public or private school at various times of their lives – things like that – were things they talked about before getting pregnant. It seems so genius but also so obvious. Right? But a lot of parents don’t do it.
She does say that having a toddler brought a new liveliness and youthfulness to her life, just when she needed it most. She gets to experience childhood, through her kid, again. She didn’t really need that when she was 28. She was still a kid herself then!
Often, those who urge me to have kids don’t really know me. The only people who should be giving any input on whether or not I would make a good mom are my best, best friend and my partner. Not my family friend I see twice a year. Not my coworker who I really only hang with at work happy hours. They only see a sliver of my personality and yet, many of them urge me to have kids.
Then there was this realization: my other aspirations better make me really happy because they’re all I have now. Whereas at first, I had a sense of freedom because I knew I could go after my goals full throttle, with no kids stopping me, then there become this pressure on those goals. Really: nothing else will fill the void but my personal aspirations now. And that’s when I became aware of the void. It’s always there, threatening us. As humans, we do things like love, prosper, and make kids as a way of, honestly, distracting ourselves from mortality. I just deprived myself of one more distraction by deciding not to have kids.
Have several friends or family members stay with you and your partner for a few days. Every moment, someone will need something. Where do you keep your mugs? Do you have any cereal? How do you work the remote control? Shoot, they broke something—was that valuable? They need a ride. They don’t have a car here.
Does your partner’s reluctance to have children stem from his own bad childhood? Perhaps he could benefit from therapy. If his childhood still affects him so much that it controls a major decision like having children, that’s something he needs to work out.
The truly close-minded don’t want their children hanging out with the kids of unmarried parents. Right…because that’s one of the real dangers and horrors happening in the world right now.
They loved raising you. They love having children. They thought that parenting was the greatest experience ever and they want to make sure that you get to experience it, too.
Will my parents think that the reason I don’t want to have kids is because I hated my childhood? Will they believe that my decision not to have children is a reflection on how I feel about the kind of parents they were?
When you ask for a raise, people may begin to whisper that, of course, you want more money now that you have a child. But, first of all, it’s not their business what you need the money for—if you deserve a raise, then you deserve one. And second off, it’s better to spend money on your child than on, say, plastic surgery or designer shoes as some people do.
There’s no going back once you’ve had kids. You don’t get to test it out and see if it’s for you. You are forever tied to the emotional, mental, and physical well-being of another human being. Nobody else can take your place in their life. It’s an amazing thing…but a terrifying one if you don’t have your own stuff in order.
There are so many grudges and fights you’ve been hanging onto your entire life. You’ll be amazed at how much you forgive your mother for once you’re a mom. In fact, you’ll realize that some of the things you thought she handled poorly, she actually handled pretty well.