“Many daughters feel like their mothers made mistakes in the past that cost them to this day. Mistakes that the daughters are left to deal with entirely and vice versa. Some had a lacking parental relationship, weren't emotionally available, fussed too much, didn't allow room for personal growth, or freedoms. It really doesn't matter the grievance…there is some feeling of negligence leaving a gap in their adult life. But the first step to making any change is admittance. Sitting for a moment to say, ‘This or that bothered me and here is why.’ Because once we acknowledge that there is an issue, only then can we address it with hopes of healing and change.”
There are some times when setting boundaries is simple enough, but then there are some really tricky scenarios when setting up boundaries feels rough for all parties. We went over what some of those are with licensed marriage and family therapist and author Kiaundra Jackson.
When you sense your family resisting your growth, it’s also important to remember that you have some resources today that they simply didn’t at your age.
Family exists in this ever-difficult in-between world where there must be boundaries and closeness.
Even though your family has instilled you with values and ideas about what you’re on this earth to do, you’ve developed some of your own. They may be different from your family’s ideas for you, about your purpose. That is okay.
In an ideal world, our parents would all live to be 100 years old and pass away in the same instant holding hands. But that’s not always how things go, and sometimes you have a widowed parent who still has many prime years left ahead of her – prime years to perhaps engage in another relationship.
Today, I really respect those who have mastered the art of live and let live. It makes for a pretty peaceful existence. It’s funny that I have struggled to learn when to lay off because I, personally, have been on the other side of unwanted opinions and I know how much it bothers me
If you’re a writer, your family asks, “Have you considered getting your book listed in ‘The New York Times’?” If you’re a chef, they ask, “Have you considered being a personal chef for a celebrity?” As if these are the easiest things in the world to do, and the only thing standing in your way is you hadn’t thought of it.
You always find yourself fighting when you’re together. When you visit them, you feel like you’re counting down the minutes until they make one of their comments. When they do make such a comment, you feel they are picking a fight. You explode. You ask, “Why do you always do this!” and storm off. Or you say something intentionally hurtful, and escalate the conflict.
I need designated alone time. I need to make phone calls, sit around in my underwear with a face mask on, read an important email without interruptions, and so on. When I do this at my mom’s house, I can feel her waiting for me to be done—wondering when the visit will resume. If I have a hotel room, I can go take designated alone time for hours without feeling someone is watching my bedroom door, waiting for me to come out.
You don’t have to quarantine your parents to just your family life. If they live nearby, invite them to a dinner party that you’re hosting with friends. Invite your mom to get a pedicure. It doesn’t have to be family life separate from social life.
Of course, you only get as much as you give with family. I had such an every-woman-for-herself mentality before. Now, I’m having to train my brain to do things like call them when they’re going through something tough, and to jot it in my calendar that I’ll be away on major holidays, visiting them. I had an awakening moment of realizing I had, by force of habit, become rather self-involved.