The idea of alone time shouldn’t be frightening. In fact, alone time is great for you.
It is easy to forget that codependency is entirely gender neutral, although we recognize the signs of it all the time in women in physically or emotionally imbalanced relationships. But this concept of trying to repair broken things that may or may not want to be fixed is certainly not foreign to many men either.
“We tend to be attracted to the same dynamics because they feel familiar, so if you know that you tend towards co-dependent relationships, look out for people you think you can fix, those who lack strong boundaries, and those who ask you to do things for them very early into the relationship.”
When you spend time with your friends, you’re really just thinking about your boyfriend, or about finding a boyfriend. You shoehorn the plan, and force everyone to go to the party that guy you like invited you to, even if that’s not what they want to do. In a group setting with friends and a potential love interest, you dominate the conversation, and throw your friends under the bus so you look the best.
Create limitations around phone communication, since this can spark codependent behaviors. Don’t text him all day or start every morning and end every evening on the phone with a guy you just started dating. Keep it casual. Touch base once a day with some short texting. Call a couple times a week.
Just like with any other type of addiction, your codependency causes you to lie. Think about it: when your friends ask you how your relationship is going, you say, “Great!” even though you and your boyfriend threw plates at each other’s heads last night and he slept in his car. Or, sometimes you tell your friends you’ve left your toxic boyfriend, and then you secretly still see him.
If you can’t find something you both want to do, you just go your separate ways and do your own thing. But, the thing is, that’s what happens most of the time. You’d rather do your own thing, alone, than compromise on the activity so you can be together.
Your intense connection with someone who treated you terribly may not be love.