Oh, the beauty of the text message. Suddenly those really awkward moments are made much less uncomfortable because not only do you not have to have tense talks in person with people, you now don’t even have to actually “say” what’s on your mind. The convenience of text messaging has finally given an emoticon to those with poor body language and a dose of confidence to the socially awkward. Now, instead of looking like an absolute loner in social situations you can look busy texting or surfing the net because you really are too cool to carry on conversations in person. But seriously, whether you have the fastest moving thumbs you know or not, communicating the following things via text message just won’t do:
1. “I’m pregnant.”
Depending on the circumstances, news of a pregnancy can be welcomed, unwanted or a total surprise that just leaves folks speechless. Saying you’re “late” is probably better expressed through a sit-down with your man so that you can communicate about what your next steps should and shouldn’t be. In fact, anything involving your womb or bringing life
into this world deserves the type of moment that shouldn’t be shared through SMS.
2. “It’s over.”
Regardless of the reasons you’re deciding to call it quits on a romantic affair, you deserve to not look like a spineless jerk. In some cases you may not even feel like your partner deserves a break-up that’s face to face, but breaking up via text is something that makes it easier for you, which is kind of selfish and totally cowardly. Pick up the phone and call at least, girl.
3. “I’m sorry.”
Apologies can easily come across as half-a**ed when sent via text message. You can’t call someone out their name or embarrass them in public and think sending a quick “sorry” with a sad face will just make everything A-okay. It’s like trying to make something right or trying to work to make something better without actually “working.” There’s no emoticon for remorse and it’s difficult to convey sincerity simply through a QWERTY keyboard.
4. “My condolences.”
There’s a reason why Hallmark gets paid the big bucks. Admittedly, grief makes me extremely uncomfortable, but you have to think about it like this: if you’re not sure what to say, you definitely won’t know what to text. There are things that a hug or an available shoulder can do that unlimited texting never will be able to. Pay the grief-stricken friend, family member or boo a visit, or call them if you’re not able to come around, and be there for them in their time of need.
5. “You know that home invasion? All me.”
Never take for granted that your texts are private since you never know who’s looking over someone else’s shoulder. Or better yet, you never know who could get access to them (ever watched The Wire?) Therefore, you should never underestimate the power of the “forward” option. They’ll be plenty of people looking to incriminate you; don’t help them by snitching on yourself. And worse case scenario, what if you send your bit of information to the WRONG person and get caught up? Yeah, do better. You shouldn’t be out here living reckless anyway, but if you are, at least keep it to yourself.
6. Lady Parts vs. Lunch Box Special
This includes picture messaging! I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, sexting is a dangerous game even when it’s played by adults. Just because you have Nicki Minaj’s body, doesn’t mean you have Annie Leibovitz’s eye. If you’re serious about your sexting, it should be well, Hot. And frankly the bust-it-wide-open shots of your magnified lady parts never are. If you are struggling between whether the pic looks like your genitals or a good cut of roast beef, delete…immediately and just save all that for in-person encounters. You wouldn’t want that pic to fall into the wrong hands…
7. “Those STI results? Positive.”
On a positive note, texting can be a way to break the ice for tense conversations that are necessary but would otherwise be non-existent like the decision to get tested. But results are something that will be followed with a whole lot of Q&A, so save the news for face to face. Besides, you wouldn’t want a guy you are seeing to text you that he’s burning because of extracurricular activities while you’re at work would you?
8. “I’m (insert “sick” smiley **cough, cough**) not going to be able to make it for my shift today.”
“Calling-out” text messages to the superior in a professional situation is always a no-no. At least if you’ve decided you’re going to take the day to catch up on Project Runway instead of those projects you have due next week, you can at least call and attempt a dry cough and a stuffy nose. The same goes for canceling plans: dial a number if you’re going to be a no-show for a date. Effort is half the battle. If you have the good health to text, you can definitely make a quick call.
9. “This party is so bangin’!”
It just always amazes me how people can go out for a wild, epic night on the town, yet still have time to text all the details. Between dancing and cocktails the last thing I want to do is pull out my phone and provide a testimonial to someone who is not there (or tell everyone on Facebook too!). How much fun can you really be having if you’re busy texting the play-by-play?
10. “How about dinner and a movie?”
About a month ago I was walking back to my office after lunch and ran into a young man whom I knew vaguely from my adolescence. He seemed to be perusing the neighborhood with a bunch of his friends aimlessly in the middle of the day (Strike one.) He then proceeded to drop his best pick up lines and insisted we should become friendly again even when I told him I was taken and uninterested. (Strike two). He was funny and charming so I told him to call me so I could hook him up with a friend of mine, but instead of calling the first thing he did was send a text stating, “What are you up to?” (Strike three. You’re out.) When a man texts the first time he is communicating with you after meeting, it screams “Shy-third-grader note: “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” Grown men call. Period.
