I’m calling a double standard foul on author Niki McElroy. The author of A Black Girl’s Guide to Dating White Men recently appeared on everywaywoman.com in a video show, and when one of the hosts of the show asked whether black women dating white men could be considered searching for a trophy husband the way that black men treat white women as their trophy wives, McElroy flipped the script. She responded that for black women, dating white men is simply “looking for your significant other without looking at color. We shouldn’t be basing it [dating] off color. If you have common goals in life, why not find someone who fits you and is on your same wavelength?”
If we’re not basing dating off of color, then why write an entire book to serve as a guide to do just that? If women are going to be upset with black men for choosing to only date white women who “fit them,” we can’t turn around and do the same thing and call it something else.
Even more bothersome than McElroy’s denial, is the fact that the way she’s presented her information does in fact suggest a trophy husband phenomenon. White men are made to seem subtlety “better.” This is derogatory towards black women, when McElroy claims to be a positive guide. For example:
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Another of the show’s host mentions she likes the book because of its helpful topics, like how to order wine because “that does make you look so much more classy.” McElroy agrees and says, “It’s not just about looking classy, it’s about being knowledgeable. Most of us didn’t know about Moscato until a rapper just came out with a song.” Speak for yourself.
This part of the interview takes me back to the scene in Just Wright when Paula Patton’s gold-digging character is working on a strategy to capture a ballplayer. I’m picturing women tearing through the pages of this “how-to” guide to find out how to make themselves desirable to middle class white men in an effort to in fact find their trophy husband. The inclusion of a chapter on ordering wine speaks volumes to how the author views white men and how she views herself and other black women. The implication here is that these women are attempting to date up by dating white men and in turn they need to put themselves on the level of white men. If the book were truly about dating someone who fits you and is on your same wavelength, you would already know this information.
I wouldn’t say that McElroy’s book is inherently wrong in crafting this guide, although it is quite opportunistic and from what I’ve learned of its content, doesn’t appear to offer much beneficial information. She says she wrote the book because women would ask her questions about dating white men as if they are aliens while they are not, but based on the information she explains is in the book, she does depict white men as if they truly are a foreign species. You can’t quite have it both ways.
I think there are legitimate concerns or questions black women may have about dating outside of their race that are no different from issues like how to deal with a white boss — but the entire video interview is a sad representation of black women. One of the hosts comments that she likes the book because it’s “easy to understand and there are not a lot of big words.” Come on. I’d be willing to bet her dating issues have less to do with what black men are and are not doing and more to do with her being a classless airhead.
The main issue black women have expressed with black men dating white women is that they seem to be putting white women on a pedestal, but these days a ton of black women seem to be doing the same with white men. If you want to suggest that black women expand their horizons to find a suitable partner, then say that, but stop painting Caucasian men to be some great white hope and then snapping your neck next time you see a brother walking down the street with a white girl.
When you think of dating white men, do you see it as an opportunity to “date up” and find a trophy husband, or do you see it as the only possible option for finding a compatible mate?
Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.
