by Quierra Davis-Martin
For many years women have wondered if there was a right or wrong way to date. Every woman has had the horror story of going on a fabulous date with a guy they were immensely attracted to only to not hear back from him for a second date. We wonder, what went wrong? Was it something I said or did that turned my date off? The dating scene can be hard and brutal if you’re not aware of what’s appropriate to say and do when first meeting a guy.
The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right by Elle Fein and Sherrie Schneider is a controversial self-help book originally published in 1995, which guided women on how to date, how to be a “creature unlike any other” and provided advice on what to do and not do during courtship. The Rules include:
1. Don’t open up too fast/ be honest but mysterious.
2. Don’t meet him half way or go on a Dutch date.
3. Love only those who love you.
4. Don’t talk to a man first and don’t call him first. If he doesn’t call he’s not that interested.
5. Don’t go overboard and other rules for “giving” to men and paying for things.
6. Don’t see him more than once or twice a week.
7. Don’t rush into sex and other rules for intimacy.
8. Don’t be a groupie and other rules for dating high profile celebrity men.
9. Don’t live with a man (or leave your things at his apartment).
10. Let him take the lead.
It sounds like a lot but think about it — who’s actually taught us women “how” to date? We don’t get a manual at 18 helping us out. We have to pretty much use intuition and discernment to get us through dating while still incurring lots of heartache. I feel The Rules was definitely a great tool for helping women feel more confident and secure on dates. It was a book that not only taught you dating techniques but built your self esteem at the same time. In the book the writers say that being a creature unlike any other is a state of mind. It’s about confidence.
“Being a creature unlike any other is an attitude”: in the book they say this attitude can be learned and practiced. Even if you’re not the most confident or beautiful woman in the world the writers say to keep it to yourself and fake it until you believe it. I feel this is especially true when dealing with men. Men don’t feel like saving a woman from herself. It’s too hard of a job. They don’t want you needing them to convince you that you’re not fat. Men will start to wonder why they chose you in the first place if all you do is belittle yourself.
I personally was introduced to The Rules when I was 19 years old. I received the book for my birthday and didn’t think much of it. I read it once and actually thought it kind of absurd and silly. Around the same I had met a guy. In a joking manner I said to myself “let me try these rules on him.” I thought for sure no man would commit to you by simply following silly rules.
At the time I wasn’t totally interested in the guy but his great interest in me actually made me more interested. Since I didn’t like him as much it was easier for me to do test out these “rules” on him because I felt I had nothing to lose. I must say I was very surprised by the results. I followed these rules to the tee and the guy I was dating ended up doing everything the book said he would do.
At this point I have to be honest, I was a little freaked out. I wasn’t sure if it was “the rules” that made him fall so hard for me or if I’d just gotten super lucky! This is where it gets interesting. When I started to really like him I naturally stopped following some of the rules and it was so crazy how his behavior changed when mine did. I became a little more relaxed. I called him more, started checking in more, became a little more needy then I had been initially and I noticed things became different. At this time I decided to revisit the rules and read them for a second time. When I did, I then became serious about them. When I got serious about the rules he got more serious about me. To make a long story short I was engaged to him 6 months later.
I know that everyone hates game playing. I do as well. But I realized the rules were not exactly game playing. The rules just focus on the evident differences between men and women. As much as we try to fight it, it is apparent men respond accordingly to a woman’s behavior, whether that behavior is positive or negative. Men are natural born hunters and they love to be in control. They naturally get terrified when a woman pressures them about commitment or anything else for that matter. If a woman calls a man too many times she’s labeled a stalker. If we talk too much we’re labeled nags. Believe it or not, I honestly feel that The Rules has done men a favor. It simply makes the woman a little easier to be with.
The Rules stresses that the woman must be confident and easy to be with. This in turn makes her appear more attractive. She’s not pulling her hair out over every guy who doesn’t want her. She’s allowing men to pursue her and not sweating them or blowing their phone up. In turn men are happy to move things along at their own pace and their falling in love with a confident easy going girl. Whether women like it or not, we can’t make a man commit and we can’t make a man marry us. Since we aren’t able to control the male species, we can however control how we respond and act in dating and relationships.
As much as you’d hate to hear it, there has to be some sort of rules in the world of dating. No one wants to have their first date talk about their debt, their interest in wanting a nose job and all their other problems. A man doesn’t want to wake up to 10 missed calls after a great date with a woman he really liked. This kind of attention and persistence will turn him completely off. In the book Ellen and Sherrie use a great example about how you’d act on an interview. No one is completely themselves at an interview when trying to get a job. They are usually their “best” selves. Does this mean they’re playing a game? No, it just means they are acting accordingly for a higher plan and purpose. What should make dating any different?
Many men and women can sabotage a potential future as a couple just by opening up too soon and over stepping boundaries. So does this mean there should be rules in dating? I say absolutely. There has to be some sort of boundaries, rules and limitations. That’s the only way to protect oneself. The Rules definitely worked for me, and they still apply years later to the dating scenarios of today.
Quierra is the co author of “The Mean Girls Handbook of Etitiquette” slated to hit shelves 2012. She was also the lead singer of the girl group Isyss. She has a great passion to inspire women all over the world to love themselves and to stay strong and true to themselves when in relationships with men.
More on Madame Noire!
