Picture this: He was kinda cute and came on strong. You weren’t feeling him at first, but with all the attention, phone calls and texts, flowers at work and pleading puppy eyes, you gave in. You were flattered that he made you feel like the only madame in the world–it gave your ego a boost of adrenaline and you got to thinking…”Mmmmm…I like the way his lips look when he sips his orange juice…”
Two, three months in, you’re hooked. You finally give him what he said he’s wanted all this time–your love, your devotion, your body–and the logical action is to step the relationship up a level, right? Nuh uh, because dude’s about to do an illegal U-turn. He stops calling as much. It starts subtly, his calling three times a week instead of five, and then inexplicably, you become the pursuer, increasingly frantic and ashamed of yourself for acting stalkerish, but you’re completely befuddled about what happened. The reality may be that you actually did see his commitment-phobe ways coming, but you just didn’t think anything of it. It happens! Just don’t let it happen again. Here are a few signs that could have passed you by.
You Skipped the History Lesson
He told you on the first, second and third date that he’d had a lot of women but he just couldn’t find the right one. He really, really wants to settle down…really he does. He just hasn’t found a woman mature/independent/dependent/short/tall/skinny/fat/black/white/whatever enough. This flag isn’t red, it’s crimson.
“When he tells her about his problems in other relationships, she feels sorry for him. She assumes that the “other women” have been to blame. She tells herself that he will be different with her. Granted, at the beginning, he is often telling her that it will be different with her,” says Steven Carter, co-author of Men Who Can’t Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart.
His Moves Don’t Match His Mouth
He started this “dance” never late for a date, always calling ahead, and generally being Mr. Reliable. Then as subtle as sundown, things begin to change. He skips dates. He forgets to call you back. You’re now the one who’s texting him more and checking in more.
“Typically a woman tends to not pay sufficient attention to these early warning signs of trouble in the relationship. She listens to the message she wants to hear and rationalizes away the one that is unpleasant. Her friends may warn her, but instead of listening, she becomes more protective of the man,” says Carter.
He’s Flaky, Even With Family
A commitment-phobe usually won’t limit his whimsy with a girlfriend. He’s the guy who can’t promise to be at Thanksgiving dinner until he actually shows up hungry. He’s the one who leaves his sister high and dry on the day she needed his muscle to help her move out of her apartment. If he’s faithful to you but flaky with his own flesh and blood, just wait a few days girl, because it will soon be you getting pushed to the wayside.
He’s a Job Hopper
He may be a ninja master in whatever field he’s chosen, but the anti-commitment man will often work solo or as a consultant because settling down at one company for years and years just seems too suffocating for him. If he’s not a free agent, he won’t stay at a job for longer than a year or two, and when you ask him what’s the deal, the guaranteed explanation will always include something about it not being his fault.
He’s a Seduction Master and an Escape Artist
After a few days, weeks or months of him wooing you, you experience the most tender and attentive love from this man. He blew your mind 69 times, so well that you thought you’d seen Jesus, and as a result, your nose is wide open. Now he’s making excuses about not being able to stay over, being busy at work, blah, blah, blah. As he pulls away, you rack your brain and wonder what happened, and if it was something you did. All of a sudden you are thirstier than usual to talk to him, but unlike at the beginning when he picked up your every call on the first ring, this time, your call goes to voicemail.
“The woman often responds with disbelief. She thinks it’s impossible that he can really be this way with her. After all, this is the same man who was so intimate with her, so close, so together. My best advice to such a woman: Believe it! Don’t hang around to ask questions. Don’t assume he is having a nervous breakdown. Don’t assume that there has been some sort of misunderstanding and that once he understands, everything will be all right again. And most importantly, don’t think you did something wrong,” says Carter.
Christelyn D. Karazin is the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race Culture and Creed (to be released April 2012), and runs a blog, www.beyondblackwhite.com, dedicated to women of color who are interested and or involved in interracial and intercultural relationships. She is also the founder and organizer of “No Wedding, No Womb,” an initiative to find solutions to the 72 percent out-of-wedlock rate in the black community.
More on Madame Noire!
