How Taking Care Of An Elderly Parent Affects Your Marriage - Page 16

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There are some marital challenges that you can expect, like disagreeing over how to parent your children, going through sexual droughts, and arguing over how to invest your money. But most of these challenges only pertain to your generation, and the one that comes after you (your children). While you’re busy building your life, you can forget that someone else’s life is slowing down—the life of your parents. Nobody expects their parents to become old or sick. Even though we know it’s a part of life, deep down, we believe that somehow that won’t happen to our parents. For this reason, nobody is prepared for their parents to suddenly become quite reliant on them. If you and your partner were just finished raising your last child, and sending that 18-year-old out into the world, you may not be ready to care for somebody else. But you’ll need to. Here is how taking care of an elderly parent can affect your marriage.

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You consider your mortality

When your parent becomes quite old, you realize that when he passes away, you’ll be next in line. Somehow, having your parent there put a buffer between you and the afterlife. But when your parents go, you’re moved up to the front of the line. This can cause a period of depression in your life, which will, of course, affect your marriage, too.

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How to get through it

It’s only natural to experience severe and confusing emotions when your parent becomes very old, sick, or even passes away. If you didn’t go through this, then you may need to see a therapist. Rather than dwell on the topic of your mortality, consider this an opportunity to have a new lease on life. Take this as a wake-up call to look around and consider if you’ve been spending enough time with your spouse, your children, and your friends. In honor of your parent, do the things you know they wish they’d had more time to do. Rather than allow depression to distance you from your partner, take this opportunity to cherish him more.

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It puts a strain on your finances

Taking care of an elderly parent is expensive, particularly if he is sick. There may be plenty of doctor’s visits, medical equipment, and day nurses to pay for. Many couples save for their child’s college tuition and their own retirement, but not for the care of their aging parents. Adjusting their finances for this expense can put a strain on the relationship.

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How to get through it

The reality is that, at first, you’ll argue a lot about this. Your partner might not want to pay for the more expensive nurse or get the newer model of this medical accessory. This can make you feel that your partner is being selfish. But just remember that nobody is perfect and that your parent is your parent, and not your husband’s. You’re bound to more readily spend a majority of your and your partner’s savings on your own parent than he is. When his parents are old and sick, and the tables are turned, you’ll behave the same way your partner is now. The important thing at this time is not to judge people’s values based on the way they want to handle finances.

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Going on a trip is very difficult

Going away, even for a weekend, becomes increasingly difficult. There are so many preparations to be made before leaving. It’s almost like leaving your toddler for the first time. The caretaker has a long and detailed list of instructions. There are probably 50 items ranging from medication to special foods that need to be in place. Sometimes you just don’t go on the trip because it’s not worth the stress of leaving your parent.

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How to get through it

Though it is difficult, you have to avoid getting caught in the trap of thinking, “This could be the day my parent passes away, so I can’t travel.” Your elderly parent could still live for another decade. You cannot live every day, for ten years, this way. If you have a good relationship, that won’t be erased all because something happened to your parent while you were traveling. It’s a very complex and serious thought—the thought of your parent passing away while you’re on a trip—but it’s a thought that you cannot allow to control your life. Or your marriage.

The phone rings at all hours

Elderly parents can become rather needy. They worry often. They become set in their routine and if their day nurse is running ten minutes late, they may call you in a panic. Elderly parents also wake up very early—often several hours earlier than you do—which means they might call at 6 in the morning, waking up you and your partner, because they don’t like the way their new nurse makes their breakfast. This sleep deprivation can put a strain on your marriage.

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How to get through it

While you do care tremendously about your parent, you need to set up some boundaries. Naturally, you need to be available for emergency phone calls. But discontent over breakfast is not an emergency. If you need to, silence all of your phones until you wake up in the morning. Give your parent’s nurse the number to a cell phone or special line you set up for emergencies only. Remember that you need to take care of yourself if you’re going to take care of your parent, and you cannot do that if you’re woken up at 5 in the morning.

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You’ll see your partner’s true colors

You’ll really see your partner for who he is. His patience and generosity will be worn thin during this time. Some partners don’t have the emotional bandwidth to help their spouses take care of aging parents. Some partners are superheroes in this department. Most partners fall somewhere in between incompetent and superhero.

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How to get through it

Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. He has just raised a child (if not several), sent them off to college and had been looking forward to this time to travel, relax, socialize and have more sex with you. Caring for his elderly in-law steals all of that away from him—and he may have been looking forward to that for a very long time. He may have felt that his sanity and happiness was depending on it. Judge everything he does through that lens. And if he is a superhero, make sure he feels appreciated every day because I can promise you he is exhausted but still putting on a happy face for you.

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Your parent may not always be kind

Elderly and sick parents aren’t always nice. Their worlds become very small. All they really think about is their ecosystem, between their nurse, their entertainment, their health and their comfort. And you can’t blame them—they’ve been out of the busy world of work and parenting and socializing for a long time. So there will be times it seems like they are impatient, selfish and even rude to you. There will be times they seem entirely unaware of what you and your partner are going through, or all the work you put into taking care of them.

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How to get through it

If you and your partner cannot vent to one another about this you won’t get through it. Don’t feel bad if you and your spouse need to sit down over a bottle of wine and say, “Man my mom was a b*tch today!” Somehow, knowing that both of you were thinking it and getting to laugh about it helps a lot. So don’t try to be stoic and silent and endure your parent’s abuse.

Your partner may push for a nurse

There will come a time when you and your partner alone cannot take care of your parent. Your partner will recognize this time earlier and easier than you do, because this is all so personal for you. You can feel like you’re being selfish if you hire a live-in or part-time nurse for your parent. You may feel like you should give up your own life and pursuits to be by your parent’s side at all times. And you can feel like your partner is pressuring you to do something that seems selfish.

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How to get through it

Listen to me: your spouse is right. Your parent might, right now, become angry that you hire a nurse because she feels needy. But if your parent could go back and time, and answer the question, “Should I get a nurse for you” when she was 40, she’d say, “Yes. Please. Live your life. Enjoy your youth.” You don’t need to give up your life to take care of your parent. Interviewing and finding a kind, responsible nurse for your parent, while still visiting him regularly, is taking care of him.

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The nursing home discussion is difficult

There will come a time when allowing your parent to stay in his home, while paying for several full-time nurses, won’t be sustainable. The financially responsible option will be to move your parent into a nursing home. There he can have full-time care and a renewed social life, at a much more reasonable cost. Of course, moving him there won’t be easy. You may, again, feel that your partner is forcing this decision.