When You’ve Been Dating Forever, But Aren’t Married

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The time becomes embarrassing instead of impressive

You feel proud to tell people you’ve been dating someone for three or four years. It’s a stamp that says, “I’m a solid, reliable, loyal person.” But telling people you’ve been dating for seven, eight, nine years…can feel funny. The words “Dating” and “A decade” don’t seem to go together. You don’t really care, but you acknowledge that it sounds odd. It seems like “dating” is a phase that shouldn’t go on forever. You wish there was something else between “dating” and “married.”

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You can feel insecure, even if you don’t want to get married

You and your partner have discussed the reasons you don’t want to get married (at least for now) extensively. You understand you’re the person he wants to spend his life with. But, for some reason, sometimes you can’t help but feel insecure. Societal norms creep into your head, and lyrics like, “If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it…” get you feeling a little out of sorts.

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Sometimes you worry it will just…expire

Sometimes you wonder, “So, what does happen if you don’t get married?” It can almost feel like a relationship, without a marriage, is like all of the wooden beams of a house, put perfectly into place, but not yet nailed together. What keeps you together, if not marriage? You don’t think only marriage can do that. But you don’t exactly know the answer to this question.

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You know you’re together because you want to be

At times, you’re actually quite proud of yourselves for still being together, after all this time, without a marriage license. You know that you’re together because you want to be, and not because you simply don’t want to get a divorce. Nothing is holding you together other than your devotion to each other.

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Outsiders doubt his love for you

You sense your friends pitying you and you hate it. You can tell that they’re beginning to doubt your partner’s love for you since he hasn’t proposed after all of this time. You’ve even heard whispers of them thinking maybe he has a secret family somewhere else or is a closeted homosexual, and that’s why he hasn’t proposed. They assume there must be a reason.

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People mistake you for a married couple

A lot of people assume you just got married at some point and they missed the memo. Friends can start to introduce you as “So and so and her husband” and you have to correct them to say, “Oh, he’s my boyfriend—not my husband.” You hate this moment. But if you didn’t correct them, and people found out you weren’t married, somehow it would look as if you had lied.

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Every holiday has pressure

You don’t quite know where this pressure comes from, but you can feel it in the air, lingering around birthdays and Valentine’s Day—will this be the day he finally proposes? You don’t need or want him to. But you and your partner both know that somewhere out there, certain friends or family members are wondering about it.

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People assume you’re making a statement

People say things like, “Good for you—defying societal expectations” and “I really respect what you’re doing.” You aren’t trying to defy anything or do anything. You’re just not getting married. You aren’t subtly giving your middle finger to society or trying to start a movement. You think it’s wonderful that your friends get married. It’s just not for you.

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After a while, you don’t see the point

After you’ve been together for a really long time, getting married just feels like an empty gesture. You’ve been there for each other through illness and very difficult times. You live together. You own a home together. You may even have children together. You’ve done things that, to you, are a much greater commitment than marriage. So what’s the point? Marriage would be a lateral

move now.

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You feel bad for yourself, and hate that

Every so often, this little self-pity creeps in. You don’t want to admit it. But sometimes you just feel bad for yourself not that you aren’t married, but rather that you have to deal with other people judging you and feeling sorry for you over it. And then, to add insult to injury, you become angry with yourself for pitying yourself. You’re not supposed to care about any of this, remember!? But the world really won’t let you forget that you are unmarried. It’s a part of your label, whether you want it to be or not.

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Your partner feels bad, and you hate that too

Sometimes your partner notices when you feel bad for yourself. Or, he becomes aware that your friends feel sorry for you or question his love for you. Then he feels bad, as if he’s somehow done something wrong by doing exactly what you two agreed on—not getting married. You hate that outsiders are getting to him, too.

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Sometimes, you’re really glad you aren’t married

Based on the way you see some people take their spouses for granted or speak poorly about their spouses, sometimes you’re really grateful you aren’t married. While you mostly don’t feel negative feelings about marriage, sometimes you feel that you really dodged a bullet by not getting married.

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You feel the urge to throw some party

You still want to celebrate your love, even though you aren’t married. Heck—you’ve been dating for far longer than some couples have been married, but they’re over there, throwing their cute little one-year anniversary parties. You should get a party for sticking it out, married or not, for nearly a decade!

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There is no natural moment to propose, anymore

Those natural, built-in moments to propose go away. Three-year anniversary? Gone. Five-year anniversary? Over. Buying your first home together? Happened a long time ago. If you do ever become engaged, it will probably be over some mundane, everyday moment now.