Highly Relatable Reasons Long-Term Couples Have Less Sex
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When your relationship is new, you’ll have sex no matter what. You’re that couple who is always running late to the double date, and you stumble in with sex hair and a condom wrapper stuck to your foot. Regardless of the type of day you had, you’ll do the deed. You can be going on zero hours of sleep and somehow still be aroused. After you’ve been together for five plus years, things change. You want to make the double date on time because you don’t want the other couple drinking more than their half of the margarita pitcher. If you had a bad day, sex is simply not happening. And you can almost only exclusively have sex after a solid eight hours of sleep. That fresh relationship lifestyle just isn’t sustainable. Here are hilarious reasons you have less sex that all long-term couples can relate to.
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You get tired of being in a good mood
You can only pretend to be a perky, positive person for so many years. Eventually, when you get home, you just need to be honest about the fact that your day sucked. Then you and your partner fall into a vent session about how crappy of days you both had. Then nobody is in the mood to have sex. You’d rather watch funny YouTube videos and eat candy to try to cheer up.
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The bed is gross
If you live together, sometimes you find the bed is just too gross to have sex in. Neither of you has had the time to wash the sheets in three weeks. There are food crumbs and dog hair everywhere. What’s that at the bottom of the bed? The utility bill! How did that even get there? This is no place for sexy time.
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You don’t feel like showering
You’ve been running errands all day and went to the gym. If you take off your underwear, there’s no knowing what sort of swamp you and or your partner will find down there. But also, you really don’t feel like showering so you guys just aren’t having sex.
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The dog won’t get up
You made the mistake, a long time ago, of letting the dog think your bed is his bed. You don’t have the heart to move him. He’s all snuggled up in the center, giving you those big, puppy dog eyes. What sort of monsters would you be if you relocated him, all so you could get your socks off?
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It’s sex or Netflix
You either have time to have sex or continue watching the new season of “Shameless.” You both do the polite thing of pretending it’s a tough choice for a few minutes but, in your hearts, you both just want to watch the show.
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It’s sex or the early bird special
You either have time to have sex or make it to the restaurant in time for the early bird special, or the matinee. And you know that if you have sex, you’ll just be thinking about the $10 you’re not saving.
Young woman with stomach issues in toilet hemorrhoid pain in the butt.
A bathroom event is too close
Someone either recently blew up the bathroom or feels rumblings in their stomach that imply that they’ll soon have to. I don’t know how in the beginning stages of the relationship, everybody controlled their digestive tracts so well but those days are long gone.
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You’ve just been talking about dish soap
You have time to have sex, but the conversations leading up to that time haven’t been very sexy. You just directed your partner on how to take the perfect photo of the termite infestation to send to your landlord, and now you’re supposed to transition to sexy time? It just doesn’t feel right.
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You fight about not having enough sex
You get into an argument about the fact that you’re not having enough sex. You start playing the blame game as to whose fault this is. But fighting about not having sex doesn’t really make anybody feel like having sex.
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You fall into a laughing fit
You meant to have sex, but one of you cracked a joke during foreplay and you both just fell into a laughing fit. Then it became a session of riffing, cracking jokes and watching funny videos online instead of a sex session.
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Lube was left off the grocery list
Things are getting hot and heavy when your partner reaches for the lubricant and squeezes it, to find it makes that disheartening farting sound—it’s empty! This prompts an argument about whose turn it was to buy the lubricant, and how you’re certain you put it on the grocery shopping list.
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You hear your neighbors fighting/babies crying
You live in an apartment with rather thin walls and you can hear everything that goes on in your neighbor’s units. There have been times you were about to have sex, but the sound of your neighbors yelling at each other, or a baby crying, killed the mood.
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The movie you watched was too depressing
When you’re in a new relationship, you have this emotional super strength that allows you to perk up after watching a sad documentary and have sex. But that strength dies over time. And eventually, you and your partner just agree you’re too sad after that expose on homelessness in your city to get it on.
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You forgot to make time for it
You scheduled every single minute of your lives for two weeks and forgot to make time for sex. There was literally just no time. You were getting up at 6 for the workout class, getting drinks with friends after work, planned your dinner reservation for just 15 minutes after you both got home from work and…oops! You forgot to leave a free 20 minutes somewhere to do the deed.
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You ran out of good underwear
You’ve both been so busy that nobody has had time to do laundry. So even though you’d like to get it on, you don’t really feel sexy in the one clean pair of underwear you had left—which is a SpongeBob SquarePants granny panty.
