Thoughts You’ve Had If You’re Not A Wedding Person

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If you’re just not a wedding person, then you notice completely different things at a wedding than most people do. While many guests are saying “Oooh” and “Aaaah” to the ribbons on the backs of the chairs, the cute way the dog is incorporated into the ceremony, the way the bride and groom’s cultural backgrounds are reflected in the food and the clever guest gifts, you’re just feeling a little confused by the whole spectacle. Considering how much time and money (and fighting and stress) go into planning a wedding, it’s no surprise the event isn’t for everybody. Of course, the day means a lot to your friend—the bride or groom—and so you would never say these things out loud. But, if you’re not really a wedding person, you’ve had these thoughts at a wedding.

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How much for a dress you’ll wear once?

I have to shop the clearance section at the already cheap stores and have spent my gift card to a department store on gourmet popcorn and olive oil there because I needed groceries more than I needed a handbag. I could never justify paying off a dress I’ll only wear once in $200 increments, every month, for 18 months. And, really, there are plenty of simple $40 white dresses I could just dress up with costume jewelry.

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This all seems more stressful than fun

Every conversation surrounding this wedding has been had in stressed out, angry or irritated tones. Considering what a happy day it’s supposed to be, the nature of the conversations around it have never been happy. What is this all for again? Twelve months of arguing to put together one day of (alleged) fun?

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Is this a family event or a production?

We have full camera crews with drones, planners wearing headsets, security guards and a dance floor that is later going to rise up from a garden. Is this a sacred family event, or a concert at Madison Square Garden?

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You’re telling grown people what to wear?

I’ll never quite understand how two grown-ups think that they have the right to tell other grown ups what to wear. So this bride is asking her bridesmaids to spend around $300 for the dress, hair, and makeup? They can’t get dresses that look like what the bride wants but cost less. Nope: they must buy the $170 dress or, apparently, they’re being rude.

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People are too sensitive

If you’re good friends with the wedding party and spend a lot of time around them during wedding planning, you’ll think this a lot: “People are too sensitive.” You have bridesmaids taking it personally that their chosen dresses don’t flatter their exact skin tone perfectly. You have in-laws who are upset that one person gets a five-minute speech but another only gets three minutes. Does this all really matter? Is it worth fighting about?

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I couldn’t be the center of attention like that

You may just feel overall uncomfortable with the prospect of having all of these people do all of these things, just for you. You have people flying across the world, you have the wedding planner’s assistant delivering coffee to your chair while you have your makeup done. You have friends dog sitting for you so you can drive out of town for a dress fitting.

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Oh the ways I’d spend this money

Considering all of the things I have not been able to afford but really wanted or needed, it is slightly devastating to think of my parents giving me that money for a wedding, but not those other things. Where was all this free money when my dog needed surgery? Or when I needed help putting a down payment on a car?

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I didn’t spend this much on my college education

I didn’t spend this much money on one year of college tuition but I’m going to spend it on four hours of eating, drinking, and dancing. That hurts my head a little bit.

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I’m sure about my partner, but not $75,000 sure

Do I love my partner? Yes. Do I want to spend my life with him? Yes. Am I so sure about it that I’d be willing to bet approximately $50,000 to $100,000 via a wedding on that? I suppose so…but would feel a bit irresponsible doing so. I could just prove it by having a civil ceremony.

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This is rather self-important

My relationship is very important to me. But I couldn’t presume that a bunch of other people should feel that my relationship is just as important to them—so important, in fact, that they’d drop hundreds if not thousands of dollars on plane tickets, hotel rooms, and gifts to celebrate it. This is my relationship after all; not theirs.

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Do the bride and groom even enjoy this?

It seems like this day only exists to entertain and satisfy everyone but the bride and groom. My ideal wedding would be something I didn’t have to spend even five minutes thinking about. It would be a party everyone else stressed about and planned for me. I should just get to show up!

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Eighty percent of these guests are mooching

If I were a bride, I would not like looking around what is meant to be a very intimate and important event for me, and see a bunch of plus-one’s I’ve never even met before! They don’t know me and my union with my husband means nothing to them. And yet, they’re enjoying the open bar.

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They could’ve played music on a laptop

Real talk: by the time the DJ starts spinning or the live band starts playing, we’re all three cocktails deep and would have happily danced to music on Spotify. We are not noticing the cool light show at the DJ booth or the intricate handwork of the violinist. We’re drunk and dancing.

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I didn’t notice anyone’s hair or shoes

I remember a lot of discussion, debate, and deliberation about where the bride and her bridesmaids should get her hair done, how they should get it done, and how the wedding planner should keep hairspray on hand to keep them looking perfect. Similar discussions were had about shoes. I didn’t notice anyone’s shoes or hair.

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There are starving people in the world

The catering company was instructed to make enough food for 500 people, even though only 250 people are coming to this wedding, just “in case” people eat a lot. Meanwhile, there are starving people across the world. This tower of cheese is difficult to look at.