This week, Coach Rebecca Brody helps a reader determine how her potential lover really feels about her despite his dire circumstances. Read on and weigh in.
Dear Luv Coach,
I have a very complicated love issue. I have been sexually involved with a man named *z*. We have been “friends with benefits” since April of this year. We are also members of the same church! Shocking huh? Anyways, we have excellent chemistry together with or without the sex. I would love to pursue a relationship with him and he with me (at least that’s what I think) but he is homeless and I don’t think a relationship is on his mind.
I hate seeing him out there like that and I will do anything for him just to keep him afloat. That’s just how much I love him. I guess my question is… How do I decipher if I am someone that he desires just to get by in this phase in his life or am I really someone that he truly cares about or really loves? Am I just playing myself short?
Please help me!!
-Necarrus
Getting involved with someone who is struggling to get their life back together is difficult, because you will always question their intentions, and starting a relationship as ‘friends with benefits’ opens the door to even more questions and insecurities. You will wonder if he is with you for you, or if he is just enjoying the perks of sex, and a place to lay his head for a night. In order to get to the truth, you have to ask yourself some tough questions.
1. Is this a man who can fulfill your emotional and functional needs? Emotional needs are what you need to feel loved, and functional needs are what you need to be fulfilled in your day to day life in order to function (i.e pay bills, clean the house). If he is incapable of fulfilling your needs, will this relationship work?
2. Does this man meet your requirements? Requirements are the non-negotiable necessities of a relationship, or what you need for a relationship to work for you (i.e. do you require that your partner is drug free? Are children a requirement in the future? Religious compatibility?) What are your requirements, and does this man meet them?
3. What do you want to get out of a relationship, and why do you think this person is the best choice to give you what you want? Before you can asses what his intentions are, you must first figure out what is driving your own intention. Are you choosing him because he is the right man for you, or have you become so physically and emotionally involved that you are blind to whether or not he can really meet your needs, wants,
desires and requirements?
It’s time to remove the sexual element from your relationship for the time being and focus on getting to know each other on a deeper level. What does he want out of life, and how is he planning to take care of himself? If given the opportunity, will he be able to take care of you in future? Is there balance in the relationship, or do you find that you do most of the giving?
Everyone wants to be loved, but we must understand what is driving our need to be loved in order to know if we are coming from a place of lack. When we lack, our desire can become so overwhelming that we choose blindly. Ask yourself these questions and find out why you have chosen this particular man, and whether a relationship with him would actually stand up to the trials and tribulations of daily life.
Previous Love Coach: School & Child – Or My Man?
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Rebecca Brody is a certified life empowerment coach with an expertise in love and relationships. She currently has a private practice in New York city and works with clients across the USA. For more musing from The Luv Coach go to www.TheLuvCoach.com.
