Knowing When To Push For What You Need In Your Relationship
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Even soul mates don’t want the same things all of the time. If you don’t believe in soul mates, but do believe you’ve found the person with whom you’re the most compatible in this world, you may still find there are times that what you really want or need is not what’s best for your partner. This is a tricky place to be, and can even make you wonder if you and your partner aren’t meant to be together. But you’re not one joint soul. Every relationship goes through times when each person needs different things ranging from a more active social life, more time spent on their career, or more time spent with family. And it seems like in order for one person to get what they need the other has to make a sacrifice. Here is how to know when to push for what you want in a relationship.
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Who needs a win?
Let’s say you’re arguing over where to vacation, or whose family to spend the holidays with. Maybe you spent the last holidays with your partner’s family but what else is going on in your partner’s life? It’s not as simple as saying, “You had it your way last time so now I should have it my way.” If your partner is going through a particularly hard time—maybe he lost his job or a friend—maybe he needs the win. Maybe your spirit can handle not seeing your family for this holiday, but his spirit can’t. Consider the bigger picture.
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Recognizing a need versus a desire
It’s important to differentiate between a need and a desire. Do you need to move into the much more expensive apartment with the pool, or do you simply want to? If moving into that apartment will put a financial strain on your relationship, you should make sure it’s something you need rather than want. Anytime getting your way will cause ongoing stress on your relationship, it should be for something you need.
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Getting what you need from other sources
When you’re very close to your partner, it can be easy to forget that he isn’t your only source for…everything. You can look to other friends to take that trip with you, take that fitness class with you, to listen to you vent about a bad day and more. If your partner is in a place where giving you want you need is very difficult for him, ask yourself if you can get what you need from somebody else.
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Be willing to check your partner
When you and your partner want different things, this could be a learning opportunity for him. Let’s say your partner doesn’t want to stay at your family’s house over the holidays—he’d rather get a hotel room because you sleep better there. This could be a great time to expand his perspective. Ask him if sleeping well for one weekend is worth permanently offending your parents, or making your parents feel like your partner doesn’t want to be close to them.
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Also be willing to check yourself
Everybody needs to be checked sometimes. Sometimes you could be the one who is only thinking about the immediate results of getting what you want, and what your experience is, rather than how you’ll affect the future and other people. Here’s another great example: your partner’s friend and girlfriend invite the two of you on a trip. You get along fine with the woman, but don’t consider her a friend. Meanwhile, the man is your partner’s best friend and they don’t get to spend enough time together. You don’t want to waste vacation days with people you aren’t that close to. But, did you consider that doing this for your partner will bring the two of you closer together? Because he’ll see that you help nurture his friendships.
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Understand what it means to your partner
Look beyond what your partner is asking for and ask yourself what it means to him. Maybe he wants to turn the second bedroom into a meditation/relaxation room but you want to keep it available for visiting guests. Having that space, however, could mean your partner is able to combat stress every single day. Keeping it as a guest room may save your friends a couple hundred dollars on hotels when they come to visit—but that will only happen a couple times a year.
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Understand what it means to you
Take the last situation, and consider what having that second room as a guest room means to you. Maybe giving your parents a place to stay when they visit is your way of repaying them for everything they’ve done for you. Can you find another way to do that? Could you and your partner stay in a hotel when they visit, and give them the run of the apartment? Is that second bedroom the only way you can repay them?
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Keep score, but in a good way
When your partner asks something of you that you don’t want to do, take a moment and recall if your partner has ever made a similar sacrifice for you. It becomes a lot easier to let your partner have his way when you realize that, in similar situations, he would and has done the same for you.
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Does this thing make you happier than a peaceful relationship?
Will having your way—getting the apartment you want, seeing your family for the holidays, getting a dog—mean that your relationship is forever a little less peaceful? And is the joy that thing will bring you greater than the joy of a peaceful relationship? (Hint: it usually isn’t.”)
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Will this continue to come up?
Whatever issue you’re dealing with, will it be reoccurring? Let’s say it’s whether or not to let friends who are transitioning between apartments or relationships live with you for a while. This may come up many, many times in your lifetime. So you should be insistent on agreeing to some terms when this happens. If you just let your partner handle this however he wants, you could be setting a precedent for future events.
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Or is it a one-time occurrence?
Meanwhile, if you’re arguing about something that will likely never come up again, consider letting your partner have his way. It’s an easy win for you. You get to be selfless, but you don’t need to worry about setting a precedent.
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Weigh the sacrifices
Who will be making the larger sacrifice, if they don’t get their way? Let’s say you live in the apartment your partner likes instead of the one you like. Perhaps you’re giving up living near your friends. But if you’d lived in your apartment of choice, your partner may have had to commute over an hour to work every day, whereas, at this current place, he can commute just ten minutes. If you think about it, living near your friends is a perk, but not living near them isn’t technically a sacrifice. Meanwhile, driving over an hour to work would truly be a sacrifice for your partner.
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Do you want this, or do your family/your friends?
It’s very easy to let the opinions of others influence your own. Make sure your friends and family aren’t in your ear, making you think you want something when you don’t. If you ignored the opinions of others, would yours be closer to your partner’s? You’d be surprised how often you really don’t feel strongly about something, but your friends or family pressure you and tell you you’re supposed to feel a certain way about it.
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Consider how it will affect you in a year
Always ask yourself how getting your way will affect not just you, but also your relationship, in a year. Here’s an interesting scenario: you’ve been invited to the wedding of a friend. Not a close friend, but certainly someone you like. And honestly, the wedding would just be a lot of fun. But an ex will be there. Is it really worth going to this wedding, when you’re not that close to the bride and it could cause tension in your relationship for months after?
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Make sure there isn’t a bigger issue at hand
Anytime you feel strongly about your partner doing something or not doing something, make sure there isn’t a larger issue at play. Is this really about getting the couch you want, or does the couch represent the fact that you feel like this relationship is all about your partner, and you’re just an accessory/support system for his goals?
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