Signs You Overshare About Your Sex Life - Page 2

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You know the look Charlotte gives Samantha in “Sex and the City” every time she starts sharing about her sex escapades? Have you ever noticed anybody give you that look? Maybe they’re just as conservative as little miss Upper East Side Charlotte, but if you’ve ever gotten this look from a friend who you consider adventurous, maybe you’re going too far. There’s a time and place for graphic sex talk. That time is after everyone in your circle has had a lot margaritas and that place is your apartment…not your friend’s apartment, where her children and husband live. And not the back of an Uber that’s being driven by an unsuspecting 60-year-old man just trying to make an extra buck. Your friends love you, and they’re happy you’re getting it on on the regular, but look for the signs. Here are signs you over share about your sex life.

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You aren’t invited to kids’ parties

You are noticeably left off of invites for kids’ parties. A lot of your friends have children. They invite each other to their kids’ birthday parties and graduation from kindergarten. But they never invite you. They probably cannot risk having you say something that will scar their kids forever.

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Your friends suddenly need another drink

The moment you start in with, “You know what I did last night?” half of your friends wave down a server. They need their brains to be a little fuzzy to stomach what you’re about to say. They’re also hoping you get most of the story over while they’re still putting in their orders, so they can skip hearing it.

Friends drinking milkshakes in a bar and have lots of fun; focus on the woman in front

People won’t share your straw

After they’ve heard about all the places your mouth has been, your friends do not want a sip of your drink. They don’t want to borrow your chap stick. And they’re suddenly very into high fiving when they greet you, instead of the usual kissing on the cheeks.

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Or sleep in your guest room

Your friends don’t want to crash in your guest room. Even though you live up the street from the bar, they’re too drunk to drive home, and you have a really nice apartment. But based on your stories, no surface is off-limits for sex. They can only imagine what a black light would find in your guest room.

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People have stopped asking you about your dates

When you get drinks with your friends, everybody asks each other about how their dating lives are going. But people have stopped asking you. Or, when they do ask you, it seems painful for them to utter the words, “So, um…what’s new with you?”

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You’ve gotten the, “She’s just not as, um, open as you are”

When your friends are going to introduce you to someone new, they give you a little speech. They mention that this friend is really conservative. That she is shy. That she takes time to get comfortable with people. They say anything but, “Please don’t do your usual thing of sharing graphic hookup stories!”

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People nearby give dirty looks

People at nearby tables have given you dirty looks. Families with kids have moved tables. Men on dates have clearly stopped paying attention to their dates and zeroed in on your story.

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Someone’s suggested you write a book

Your friends often suggest you should, “Put it in a book.” Or a blog. Or a screenplay or a pilot. They would just love it if you’d find some outlet for your “50 Shades of Grey” type stories other than the brunch table.

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You’ve been approached for some dirty advice

Friends have shocked you by the advice they’ve asked you for. They’ve asked you about sex acts and STD symptoms that made you uncomfortable. It seems to happen a lot. Since when did you become the guru on these things? Oh. Probably since you made it very clear you don’t mind talking about them.

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People don’t believe your relationship is getting serious

If you’ve been all about the sex for the last decade, your friends won’t believe you when you say you’re falling for somebody. You’ve never really had a relationship that was anything more than physical. Suddenly, you cant get your friends’ attention when you want to talk about your warm and fuzzy feelings.

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It’s been online

If you’ve ever posted about your sexual escapades on social media, you probably over share. Don’t forget that there were two people involved in that hookup (or three, or four—I don’t know what you’re into). They probably didn’t want you sharing their personal stories online.

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You’ve gotten in trouble at work

You’ve gotten a talk from your supervisor about some of the inappropriate things you bring up in the lunchroom. In fact, a lot of your coworkers clear out when you come in to sit down and eat. You smell fine. You’re not strange or unpleasant, as far as you know. So what’s driving them away?!

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Your friends keep religious people away from you

Your friends don’t invite you to events where religious friends or family will be. Your best friend has never introduced you to her other best friend, who is conservative and religious. She says you, “Just have different interests.” Mmmmhmm.

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You only get sex-related gifts

Hey, if you put it out there, you’ll get it back. If every gift your friends have given you for your birthday and holidays has been sex-related, at least you know they’re listening. But it also means your sex life is the only part of your life they know anything about.