How People React When You Elope
Gettyimage.com/circa 1965: View of a ‘Just Married’ sign and streamers attached to the back of a convertible. (Photo by Harold M. Lambert/Lambert/Getty Images)
You know how your wedding day is supposed to be your big day? Well, it’s not. It’s your mom’s big day. It’s the big day of that cousin who is hoping to get into wedding planning and wanted to use you to build her portfolio. It is your grandmother’s big day—it was one of the last things she hoped to see in her old age. It was even the big day of your perpetually single best friend who was hoping to meet someone at your wedding. As you can see, it was a big day for a lot of people. And when you elope, some of those people may feel cheated. That wasn’t your intention, of course. You’re just extremely busy and didn’t want to deal with the hassle of planning a wedding. Saving the money on a giant event didn’t hurt, either. But try and get everyone else to see it that way. It’s not easy. If you and your honey decide to run off and tie the knot in some tiny chapel in the middle of nowhere, just be ready to face the music. Here is how people react when you elope.
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They don’t give gifts
Don’t expect too many gifts if you elope. Part of the reason people give gifts is that they want to pay you back for the nice dinner and open bar you treat them to at your wedding. But oops…you didn’t have that. So they may feel, “Why should I drop $100 on a gift for you when you didn’t even want to include me in the celebration?”
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Your mom takes it personally
Look: your mom is going to take it personally. So is your mother in law. There isn’t much you can do about this. You can explain to them that it was just about finances or schedules until the cows come home, but they’ll always feel it was a direct hit to them. Your mom might start asking questions about the stability of her relationship with you.
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Your mom gets ahead of herself
Get ready for questions like, “Are you going to leave me out of the day you give birth, too? Are you going to tell me if you buy a house and move or am I just supposed to find out on Facebook? Do I even get to know my grandchildren one day, or are you going to keep them away from me, too?!”
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Your dad is secretly relieved (financially)
Your dad has to show a united front with your mom. He’ll stand by her and nod while she scolds you. He’ll console her when she cries. But he’ll also be thinking, “Thank you so much for saving me tens of thousands of dollars!” Of course, he can’t say that out loud.
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Some people still want to throw you something
Some friends and family will still insist on throwing you something. It will start small: a dinner party for 20 people. Then they’ll want to add people. But then they’ll need a larger venue. Before you know it, someone is planning you the exact wedding you were hoping to avoid.
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Some family won’t acknowledge the union
Some family will insist you aren’t married. They’ll still introduce you as “Marie and her boyfriend.” It’s their way of getting back at you.
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What about the photos?
Something your family may be the most upset about is the photos. That’s the one thing everybody gets to keep forever from the big day. You better have taken some photos at your elopement. But that may not be enough: most friends and family wanted to be in the photos.
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Would-be bridesmaids are relieved
Some of your best friends may be relieved. They know they would have been bridesmaids, had you had a big wedding. Being a bridesmaid isn’t cheap. They’re happy you spared them the expenses of the dress, the hair and makeup, the bridal shower and the bachelorette.
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Some friends will be inspired
Some friends may come forward and say you really inspired them to elope! They’ve been stressed about how to afford a wedding, but you seem so happy with your elopement so they may go through with one, too. Then their parents will get mad at you for inspiring this.
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Congratulations won’t come easily
When you tell people, “Congratulations” may not be the first words you hear. Or the tenth. In fact, those may not come for a very long time. There will first be questions, accusations, confusion, tears and upset. Some people may want to congratulate you, but they feel awkward doing it because your mom is crying.
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Some people feel they should’ve been included
A few select friends will feel offended they weren’t invited to the elopement even though nobody was invited. Yes, some people thought your bond was so tight that you’d invite them to your elopement. They could get a little upset with you about this.
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Some people think it was on a whim
A few people won’t take your marriage seriously. They’ll assume you got married on a whim. Maybe because you’re pregnant, or you were drunk. Maybe you’re trying to save a failing relationship. They’ll just assume you were being irrational.
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Your parents will ask, “What do we tell people?”
One of your parents’ biggest concerns may be how they explain this to people. They’ll feel personally responsible for the fact that their friends and family didn’t get a wedding invitation. They’ll demand you tell them what to say to their friends and family.
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Your mom could write a fake announcement
Your mom may decide she’s going to play it up. She’s going to write some fabricated story about a beautiful but small ceremony on a hilltop, with just the closest friends and family around. She’s going to tell outsiders that things went down differently.
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Some accept it; some never do
Some people gradually accept that a big wedding day isn’t coming. They’ll congratulate you and get you a gift. Some people never accept it. Some may always feel slighted. There isn’t much you can do about that, except try very hard to show them in other ways that their friendship matters to you.
