After You Lied In Your Relationship, Can You Regain Trust?

Bigstockphoto.com/Attractive couple having an argument on couch at home in the living room

Even telling a small lie in a relationship can eliminate any amount of trust you’ve built up over the years, and for good reason. There is a line, let’s call it the honest line, that some people are willing to cross and some are not. You may feel like you only went over it by a few inches by telling a small lie, but all your partner sees is that you now stand on the other side of the line. The willingness to tell a small lie often indicates a willingness to tell a larger one, so once you’ve broken the trust, your partner’s imagination can run wild with all of the other ways you might lie, or possibly already have lied. It’s a hard place to come back from, but it’s not impossible. Here is how to regain trust after lying in your relationship (and a few of the speed bumps you can expect).

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Do not try to minimize the lie

Never say “It’s not a big deal” or “It was almost the truth.” All your partner is feeling right now is, “I am not safe with this person anymore.” They don’t need you making them feel irrational on top of that.

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Let your partner scrutinize the past

Your partner will probably begin scrutinizing every trip you ever took with friends, or anytime you seemed a little dodgy in your answers. And yes, you do have to sit through the punishment of this scrutiny. Lying once opens up all of your past actions to interrogation.

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Don’t impose a timeline

Don’t ask your partner, “When are you going to forgive me for this?” or say “You should have forgiven me for this by now.” Nothing but lots of time passing during which you do not lie can really help them get over this. So whatever timeline you have in your head is probably incorrect and too short.

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Make the relationship a priority

If you really want to regain trust then, for a while, you’ll have to spend most of your time with your partner, or at home by yourself (maybe with close friends your partner likes coming over). If you’re out partying, your partner won’t exactly feel like you’re repenting and thinking about how you’ve made them feel.

Be on your sh*t

That means showing up when you say you’ll show up, texting when you say you’ll text and doing the things you say you’ll do. Until trust is regained, a minor slipup that would have normally been no big deal can set you back weeks in the process. Why? Because things aren’t normal right now; you lied.

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Let him yell and cry

Your partner is going to alternate between yelling and crying, and you have to ride the wave (you are the one who caused it, after all). That means standing there and letting them yell at you—no interruptions—and being at their side when they start crying.

Hand over whatever they want to see

Cell phones, emails, Facebook message, Instagram direct messages, mail—all of it. Privacy belongs to those who are honest. You were fortunate enough to have a partner who would have never asked to see your text messages, but you screwed that up, so you have to understand if they ask to see these things now.

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Let them judge

Your partner needs to tell you that you’re awful; they need to tell you that you’re weak, immature, dumb and whatever other insults they need to hurl at you. It will hurt, but you need to remain quiet and listen; if they don’t do this important venting now, they will never be able to forgive you.

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Know that life won’t be normal again for a while

You won’t fall back into your routine of going to your favorite brunch spot on Saturday morning and having a movie night on Sunday night. Your partner may want to be around friends and family right now, and you have to accept it 100% when he cancels your usual plans at the last minute.

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Know that, out of nowhere, he can take a step backward

Just when things are beginning to feel back to normal, your partner may suddenly become cold, distant and downright mean—he is having post traumatic stress syndrome from the moment he first found out you lied.

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Consider seeing a therapist

Even if you don’t think you need to see one, it could provide your partner with some valuable comfort to know that you’re willing to analyze your actions in order to prevent them from happening again.

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Don’t expect them to reward you for your progress

You may let your partner yell at you, be by their side at every moment, call constantly, and do nice gestures all of the time, and they may still never say, “You’ve been great lately.” And you don’t get to be angry about that. Under normal circumstances, you’d receive praise for acting like that, but again, these aren’t normal circumstances. At best, you may reduce some of the yelling by acting like this, but you won’t get a gold star.

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Always act from love

Your partner may seem mean sometimes, but remember that he isn’t a mean person in general—he is reacting to a very bad thing you did. No matter what your partner says or does right now, remember it’s because you caused him a lot of pain, and react only out of love. (Even if he doesn’t seem very loving).

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Don’t forget to forgive yourself

You have to do the things (like see a therapist) that allow you to A) forgive yourself and B) know in your gut you will never lie again. If you know these things, that confidence will transfer to your partner.