All The Funny Little Woman Secrets Your Boyfriend Will Eventually Figure Out - Page 12

When you’ve been with, and especially lived with, a boyfriend for a long time, one day he will say something that just shocks you—something that makes you say, “I didn’t know you knew about that” and that will make you wonder if you, as a woman, have any secrets left. It’s hard for a man to stay in the dark about female habits, products, patterns and needs when he lives with a woman. You won’t know if you’ve created a monster or a mastermind when your man starts displaying these little bits of insight into your world. Here are all the secrets your boyfriend will learn about you eventually—whether you want them to or not.

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The bloat clothes

One day, you’ll come out of your closet wearing parachute pants and a top that emphasizes your cleavage and your boyfriend will say, “You’re feeling bloated today huh?”

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When you’ve been venting about men

Your boyfriend has caught on that during girls’ night, you and your friends talk about all the annoying things your boyfriends do, and you come home with a head full of steam. That’s why he’s treading so light, that annoying smarty-pants.

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The fact that you shop for nothing at all

He’s going to call you out on it one day. You’ll see. You’ll be leaving to go shopping, he’ll ask what you’re shopping for, and you’ll fumble through something like “Well I could really use some, um, casual, basic tank tops…” Then he’ll say, “You don’t need anything you just want to walk around the store and make up things you need.” How dare he.

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Whether you’re a Samantha/Carrie/Miranda/Charlotte

He has a basic understanding of what each one means. He also knows which one you really are, and which one he is supposed to say you are.

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When you’re faking it

You can’t get away with that for much longer. He knows that when you really have an orgasm, the words and sounds that come out of your mouth aren’t as organized as the ones you say when you’re faking it.

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Your lazy shaving habits

He knows you don’t shave the backs of your thighs. It’s okay. He accepts it and just touches your calves.

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Why meals can’t be spontaneous

He knows now that if he wants to have some big, calorie-loaded meal with you on Friday he needs to ask you about it on Tuesday so you can plan your salads and workouts accordingly in preparation.

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You buy clothes for unrealistic scenarios

He can look at half of your closet and realize those items are for scenarios you dreamt up after a few too many mimosas, like a party on Kanye West’s yacht, or lunch with the First Lady.

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Buying pregnancy tests is a nightmare

He knows better than to say, “So just go buy a pregnancy test” when your period is late. Now he knows how horrible that walk down the “family planning” isle is, and how embarrassing those stares from the other people in line are.

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Flavored lube; it’s worth the investment

Any long-term boyfriend gives up the fantasy that women like the taste of their, ya know, and they realize that investing in flavored lube that tastes like her favorite fruit or candy is important.

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You need extra snuggles around your period

He knows A) Never to ask “Is it okay if I touch you?” when you’re on your period because you’re not a bomb for goodness sake! And B) That you need lots of snuggles.

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You do not want to be left alone during your period

He has learned how insulting it is when he suggests that he should make himself scarce when you’re on your period. He has experienced firsthand how suggesting this only causes an enormous fight.

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You need to talk after phone calls with your mom

When you say, “It’s fine. We’re fine” after chatting with your mom, he should hang tight because a flood is on its way.

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You don’t just dress up for them so, yes, date night matters

He used to be confused by the fact that you wanted to go out for date night but insisted date night was just about spending time together. Now he knows it’s one of the few times you can do your hair and wear a special outfit for the world to see.