Signs You Have A Victim Mentality
Do your friends seem to come and go? You have new ones each year, and the ones you lose, you lose in a blowout fight. Does it seem like your friends seem to be getting super busy—so busy that they don’t have time to take your calls or hang out as much? There are a lot of reasons this could be happening, but one of them might be that you have a victim mentality.
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It’s hard to keep friends when you live with a victim mentality. Those that have one are usually very sensitive and get angry with their friends regularly. Victims rarely take responsibility for the bad things that happen in their life, or even for their own mistakes, which can make it very hard for people to want to stay close to them. The worst part of having a victim mentality is that it makes you blind to all of the power you actually have in this life to control your circumstances. Here are signs you live with a victim mentality.
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You assume everything is personal
If your friend forgets to buy dairy-free cheese for the Taco night she is hosting, even though you’ve mentioned you can’t eat dairy, you believe she did this intentionally. If a group of friends agrees to see a romantic comedy on movie night when you’ve mentioned it’s one of your least favorite genres, you think it’s personal. It doesn’t occur to you that they have a million other things to think about and remember each day besides your preferences, and this was probably an accident.
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You let small inconveniences ruin your day
If a driver cuts you off in traffic, or a customer service person is rude to you on the phone, your mood is destroyed for the day. You mentally check out at dinner with your friends—you’re still seething about that customer service person. Instead of focusing on all the other good things that happened that day, you now feel you had a bad day.
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You think people are passive aggressive
If your server forgets to bring you the glass of water you asked for, you believe they are being passive aggressive. If a friend takes too long to respond to a text, you believe they are being passive aggressive. You always believe there is an evil intent behind small, unpleasant acts.
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You complain a lot
You’ve been told that you complain a lot, by more than a few people. And if you recount most of the conversations you’ve had this past week, they involved you complaining. You focus so much on the negative in your life that it consumes your conversations.
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You never confront people who wrong you
This is a classic symptom of a victim mentality. Victims tend to want to remain, victims, which is difficult to do if they tell someone they’ve wronged them, and let that person make it right. So instead, you hold onto anger and grudges, and let that person continue to mess up—even though they don’t realize they’re messing up.
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You judge how people become successful
If you hear that someone has become greatly successful, rather than congratulate them or being happy for them, you question and judge how it happened. You assume they had to do something dishonest to get there. This allows you to justify why you are still not as successful as you’d like to be.
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You don’t believe anyone is truly happy
Your friend is engaged, and she is over the moon with joy. But you nitpick at the relationship—you believe there are major problems she must be ignorant to, or pretends do not exist. This allows you to justify why you’re still single—because all relationships are doomed.
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You keep track of ways people wrong you
Victims tend to have a mental notebook (if not a physical notebook) of the ways in which people have wronged them. The hold onto this list, so they can refer to it when one of those people don’t give them something they want.
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You keep track of the good things you do for others
Victims also keep track of all of the good things they’ve done for others. Why? They didn’t necessarily do those things out of the kindness of their heart but rather to reaffirm that they are good and everybody else is bad. They remember every person they’ve ever done a favor for and now watch that person closely to see if they “deserved” that favor.
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You force people to ask you what is wrong
This is an extension of not confronting people. Victims also sulk, become passive aggressive, and make it clear something is wrong, without stating that something is wrong. This allows them to further their belief that people are terrible—because nobody is asking them what is wrong.
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You talk about yourself a lot
Victims are usually rather self-absorbed. They forget the overwhelmingly important truth that everybody has problems; everybody is fighting a battle we know nothing about. Complaining about a strict landlord or a failed bank loan may be quite petty if you knew the person with whom you’re talking has a painful chronic disease. But you didn’t ask…
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You’re highly critical of others
If you really think about it and realize most words that came out of your mouth this week about other people were negative, you may have a victim mentality. Part of allowing oneself to believe they are victims is to regularly look for the bad in other people.
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You rarely initiate plans
Victims rarely email a group about a concert they have in mind, the website link to get the tickets, and an invite to have drinks at their place first. Instead, they sulk about the fact that nobody asks them to hang out.
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Nobody’s plans are ever good enough
While victims do not initiate plans when someone else does, victims often point out all of the reasons those plans are a bad idea, and how those plans are not considerate of the tastes and hobbies of others.
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Your favorite people are your enablers
If you are a victim, then your favorite people are probably those who always agree with you, pity you, and criticize other people along with you. These people do not require that you grow or reflect on your behavior.
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Your least favorite people have been honest with you
Victims also hate people who call them out. They rarely admit that that is why they don’t like them—they come up with other reasons, so they don’t need to face the truth. You may say you don’t like someone because they are bossy, but the truth is, they once told you that you complain too much.
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Life isn’t going the way you planned
It’s very hard to get very far in life with a victim mentality. Victims don’t get things done—they complain about why things aren’t getting done, but they do not look for solutions, silver linings, or positive spins. Complaints don’t fix problems or build empires.
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