15 Types Of Kissers That Need To Stop
The way a man kisses can tell you a lot. Men who fancy themselves artists usually get a little too, err, artistic with their smooching. It’s almost as if they’re trying to paint something on your face with their tongue. Sometimes you can tell a man is only three lays beyond being a virgin, because his kiss reminds you of the first one you ever got—you know that awkward one behind the swing set at school, where nobody really did anything? And look, everybody has to learn how to be a good kisser at some point. We just don’t really know how it’s possible that so many men haven’t learned by the time they’re adults. Fully-grown, bill-paying, jury-duty-serving adults are still making a mess of things when it comes to making out. Here are 15 types of kissers we cannot believe still exist.
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The tongue excavation
The guy who seems like he’s trying to find a diamond he left behind one of your molars, with his tongue. You’re sure his tongue is going to cramp up before he finds it.
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Dead lips
The guy who just sort of…pushes his mouth against yours. Maybe he learned how to kiss from the Sims characters? Maybe he has only kissed as a Sims character?!
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Large lip smacks
This guy moves his lips, sure, but that’s all he does. He just opens and closes his mouth against yours. Almost like a baby bird trying to open wide enough for his worm. Or a blowfish, being a blowfish.
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The lip licker
Maybe he thinks your lips are dry and he’s just offering a little moisture? Maybe you left some barbecue sauce on there, and he hates to let food go to waste?
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The guy who needs his lips licked
Okay, let’s get this right once and for all: chapstick is not only for women, gentlemen! You’re not too feminine for wearing it; you’re considerate.
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The anything-but-the-mouth guy
He kisses your chin, your nose, your neck, your clavicle, your knee…wait, what? Anyways, at the end of the date, you can’t really say that you had your first kiss. Because your mouth was not involved.
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The overly romantic kisser
You know the one; the guy who kisses you as if you’ve been married for ten years, but he had to go off to war for the last seven of those, and he’s just greeting you for the first time at the train station. We’re talking full hands on your face, dipping you backward performance. But, like, you just got nachos together and met on Tinder.
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The suction cup
This guy is trying to suck your lips off of your face. In fact, he almost gives you free lip injections because your lips are so inflated by the time he’s done with you.
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Darty tongue
It’s almost like this guy just wants to be able to say, “I used tongue” but he’s not really into using tongue. So he just shoves it in and out to get the job done.
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Fear of the tongue
Then there is the guy who is afraid of the tongue. The second you start putting yours into action, he pulls back, composes himself, and tries to start the kiss all over. He probably has some sort of Madonna/you-know-what complex. He likes to keep things very vanilla.
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So much eye contact
This kisser seems like he’s more into having a staring contest than kissing you. He’ll do a half-second kiss, pull back to stare you in the eyes for too many seconds, go back in for a tiny kiss and repeat. Is he, like, inspecting your pupils? Is he an eye doctor?!
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The moaner
You know the guy: he makes noises that sound a bit like he is having sex and a bit like he is really enjoying a burger. And honestly, you hope he doesn’t make those sounds during sex.
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The moisturizer
This man leaves the area around your mouth, and parts of your cheeks and chin, completely wet. You’re not sure if you really need to wash your face now, or if you don’t need to wash your face because he did it for you.
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The tongue toucher
Maybe this man is practicing his Gene Simmons act? Or maybe this is some new form of kiss we don’t know about, like the butterfly kiss but…the lizard kiss?
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The biter
It’s a personal preference but, biting might be a bit much for a first kiss, no? That’s first-time-in-bed material, not sweet-first-date-kiss material. Either way, some guys go overboard with it and leave you with tiny burst blood vessels.
