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Look, when you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you need to make an effort to keep up your sex life because it’s very easy to completely fail to realize that you haven’t had sex for two weeks. There’s always somebody who has indigestion or an early wake-up time, and before you know it, your va-jay-jay hair has fully grown back because you had no reason to shave it.
The bottom line is you just can’t afford to be high maintenance about sex if you’re going to keep having it. And, if you’re single, you’re probably not going to entice somebody into having a long-term relationship with you if you’re high maintenance about it, either. You know that you have told your girlfriends some pretty ridiculous stories about things men needed and wanted in bed. They weren’t weird or kinky; they were just being difficult. But is there somebody out there, possibly telling the same stories about you? Here are signs you’re high-maintenance in bed.
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You don’t want to mess up the bed
It takes two minutes to put the decorative pillows back in their perfect places, but it might take two weeks for you two to be in the mood again so mess it up.
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You’re particular about climate
If it’s too cold, guess what? You’re about to get hot and sweaty. If it’s too hot, guess what? That’s great because you won’t even notice the difference when you become hot and sweaty.
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You won’t do it unless you’re perfectly shaven
Your partner doesn’t care. I promise. His penis doesn’t have a little set of eyeglasses with which it examines your va-jay-jay while it’s inside of you.
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Or if you feel “bloaty”
How often, realistically, do you feel 100% thrilled with your stomach? Maybe once a month, right? So are you just going to have sex once a month?
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Or if you’re worried you might fart
There’s definitely a lot of moving and shaking that goes on during sex, and it can move and shake gas out of you. Your partner will not care.
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You need him to earn it every time
You’re always concerned that you didn’t talk enough before, or that you rushed through dinner to have sex. For goodness sake, you know your partner loves you and wants you: don’t make him prove it when you’re short on time.
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You won’t do quickies
If you won’t do quickies, and require seduction and foreplay every time, then your sex life–in a long term relationship–is screwed. And that’s the only thing getting screwed.
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You count how long he goes down on you
You keep score of who goes down on who more, and for how long. How romantic. What a way to stay in the moment.
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You make him shower before
With all due respect, you swallow this man’s semen, but you won’t let him put a slightly sweaty penis inside of you?
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You insist on showering before
How can you possibly expect him to stay in the mood if you go loofah yourself and make him wait in the bed, with an erection?
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You won’t do it in your grandma underwear
You’re going to take it off anyway so what difference does it make?
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Or without makeup on
If anything, you should be flattered your partner is still totally nuts about you when you have no makeup on, your hair is messy, and you’re in sweat pants. It means he wants you for you and not just for your perfect appearance.
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You’re not down for light period sex
This one is up for debate but if you ask me, if you’re a very busy couple who rarely has time for sex, and the mood/time strikes when you’re lightly bleeding…don’t be precious.
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You’re mad if the TV is on
Come on: one of the greatest things about being in a relationship is having your favorite show on while you’re getting it on!
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The “mood is ruined” if a phone rings
Phones will ring. Doorbells will ring. Garbage trucks will shake the building. One day babies will be crying and ovens will be dinging. You have to learn to screw past it all.
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You’d rather be on time for the movie previews
Watch the previews online. You should not be passing up sex to watch previews, or catch the opening act of a concert, or make it on time for your dinner reservation.
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Somebody’s coming over, so, no
So what? You’ll hear the doorbell ring and wrap it up. They may notice the condom stuck to your butt and your sex hair but guess what? They know you’re a grown*ass, sexually active person.
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You must wash the sheets after
In that case, sex will never happen because you and your partner never want to do laundry.
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You need your, um, items
You won’t do it unless you have the lubricant you like, the condoms you like, and the toys you like. If any of these things are out of commission then so are you.
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You can’t after talking to your parents
Okay, maybe it’s a little weird to have sex with your partner after getting off the phone with your mom. But, she calls a lot so…
