How To Kick Your Jealousy Habit

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Jealousy is a big problem in relationships, and most relationships cannot survive it. If a relationship does exist for a long time with plenty of jealousy, that’s probably because it’s a toxic relationship, full of two unhealthy individuals who thrive on drama and don’t know how to be loved or love themselves. Serious jealousy should not exist in a healthy, happy relationship. But everybody experiences a little jealousy from time to time. It’s always disruptive, of course. When was the last time your jealousy ended in a good conversation with your partner? Never. Exactly. It probably either makes him angry with you, or it makes him pity you for being so insecure. If you do deal with some jealousy issues but have the desire to get rid of them, it’s possible to do without therapy (but seeing a therapist certainly can’t hurt). Here’s how to kick your own jealousy issues.

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Identify it

First of all, learn to identify how you feel right before a jealous rage comes on. Do you feel a little paranoid, anxious, sweaty and angry? Write down the feelings you have before each jealous rage.

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What it does

If you can identify it, you can get in front of it. You can tell yourself, “I’m going to ignore most of the thoughts that pass through my head right now. I’m not myself right now.”

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Talk to your partner about it

Tell your partner that you struggle with some jealousy, but that you are working on getting rid of it and that you know it is not okay.

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What it does

This might keep him from getting really angry when you are jealous because he knows it hurts you as much as it hurts him. So long as your partner knows you don’t think jealousy is acceptable, he’ll be a little less freaked out by it.

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Have male friends

Keep plenty of male friends around, and see that they can compose themselves in a respectful manner towards you.

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What it does

It will be easier for you to conceive that your boyfriend’s female friends probably act normal around him when you see that male friends can act normal around you. Engage in male-female relationships to see how healthy they can be.

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Practice saying nothing

Next time jealousy pops up, do whatever you can not to mention it. Go to a movie by yourself. Call a friend. Go for a long walk.

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What it does

You’ll see that the jealousy goes away, even if you ignore it. In your calm state, you can see there was no valid reason to be jealous. And in this way, you create a reward system–you realize that things always feel better when you let the jealous rage pass rather than indulge it.

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Recount sweet things your partner does

Keep a journal of sweet, caring things your partner does. Like when he wakes up extra early to make you lunch to take to work because he knows you won’t have time to.

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What it does

You can read this list when you feel jealousy coming on and realize, “A guy who would do all of this for me would never do anything to hurt me.”

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Record your jealous rages

When you do happen to indulge in a jealous rage, bring up the matter to your partner, and get in a big fight, write it down. Keep a journal of what happens when you let jealousy take over.

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What it does

You can read that journal when you feel jealousy coming on. You can remember how giving into jealousy never turns out well.

Be aware of where jealousy comes from

Pay attention to who makes you jealous? Is it one of your partner’s coworkers? Friends? Random women on the street?

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What it does

Jealousy is almost always a reflection of your own insecurities. If you can be honest with yourself, you’ll probably see you get jealous of your boo’s coworker, for example, because she is very successful, and you’re not sure where your career is going. (This is just on example of many possibilities.) Then you can work on that insecurity in yourself.

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Remember that you cannot control things

It might benefit you to do some meditation. Meditating makes us ultra aware of the fact that we do not control what happens in this universe, and that that’s okay.

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What it does

The truth is, if your partner is up to no good, you’ll find out one way or another. Let the universe show you, and in the meantime, enjoy being a calm, jealousy-free person. Trust in truths to come out. Most of the time, nothing will come out.