20 Body Changes Nobody Tells You Come Before Menopause - Page 14

There’s a dangerous myth going around that states that your body is all bouncy and resilient until menopause, but that’s simply not true. There’s another dangerous myth that suggests that, so long as you don’t have children, all the child-bearing related body parts will remain in pristine condition. Your vagina will remain this magical power box, your boobs will point up and out, full of hope, and your hips will stay, well, within this world. That’s also not true. And it’s not fair that we are told these things because some of us make a lot of decisions based on these myths—decisions like what clothes to buy and which foods to eat and how many margaritas to drink. Suddenly, we have to pay the reaper that we thought was still twenty years away. Here are 20 body changes nobody tells you will come before menopause.

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Nipples that look like woah

Your nipples cease to be these darling, round, smooth little things. They develop bizarre, brail-like bumps; they turn purple, and they spread out into strange shapes.

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Hangovers that last all day

You can no longer count on 10 hours of sleep and a bacon sandwich to get rid of a hangover. Oh no. The day after drinking is completely shot to hell. Simply reading one sentence of an article makes your brain feel like it is melting.

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Hangovers that last for several days

You’re not technically hungover for 48 hours after the drinking, but you’re certainly not back in tiptop, shape. You still look hungover, and you still get incredibly winded after doing almost nothing at all.

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Feeling the burn after a workout

And it’s not a good burn. It’s like a, “Oh my god I cannot get out of bed why do I even exercise?” type of burn. It’s an, “I probably overdid” it type of burn, but you feel it even when you did almost nothing at all.

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A lower sex drive

You fall asleep immediately after sex now. Oh, and if sex doesn’t come in that magical 30-minute window after dinner and before your wine sleepiness kicks in, it’s just not happening.

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The need for a bra

It’s no longer cute when you don’t wear a bra. People look at you and assume it was a mistake—that you forgot and that you’re as embarrassed for yourself as strangers are for you.

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Weird spots

Spots just pop up all over your neck, under chin and shoulder area. Bumpy spots. Flat spots. Black spots. Brown spots. Your upper body turns into a constellation.

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Jiggle

You haven’t even put on one pound, and yet, parts are beginning to jiggle. It’s as if somebody untied the invisible strings holding everything taught in place.

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An inability to wear tall heels

You can’t even drink your way through the pain. Your ankles, toes, and arch scream at you for wearing heels that are over three inches tall. You don’t even buy tall heels anymore because you know they’ll end up in the donation pile.

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An inability to day drink

If you have one and a half cocktails before 5 pm, you get very happy, then very sleepy; then you go to sleep, then you wake up cranky, and then you’re hungover until the next day. This all happens in about two hours from that first drink.

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Trouble sleeping

You can’t even remember the days you just passed out. How were you doing that? Didn’t you realize how many things there were to worry about and stress about and go crazy about until 2 in the morning?

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Extreme anger that comes with trouble sleeping

An energy drink cannot pull you up from a bad night’s sleep anymore. Oh no. You are now a very, very angry person if you are just the tiniest bit sleep deprived. You could swear the entire world is filled with imbeciles.

Dark circles like bam

If you get just one hour less of sleep than you usually do, the area under your eyes turns dark purple and looks sunken.

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Trouble getting in and out of cars

When you get in and out of cars, you make a lot of noises—pained, grunting noises. You have to get in and out in several phases. You need help getting out.

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A flat stomach is a unicorn

It used to be that so long as you ate healthy half of the time, you could count on a flat stomach. Now if you slip up once during the week, you can say buh-bye to the definition in your stomach for days.

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Courser hair

You can’t just let your leg hair go for a few days in the fall. If anybody in your life touches your legs on a regular basis, for his safety, you must shave off the small knives that have started growing out of your pores.

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Anxiety out of nowhere

Your bills are paid. You unplugged the hair straightener. Your personal affairs are in order. And yet, for some reason, anxiety. It’s just a thing that happens now.

 Midol can’t do sh-t

Midol and other PMS alleviators can try, but honestly, when your period comes, you’re just down for the count. You feel like a giant bag of hormones and bloat and fury.

You understand tired bones

You finally understand what the term, “Tired bones” means. You understand what it means to have exhaustion running so deep down through you that no amount of sleep or spa days can alleviate it.