Tonya TKO Talks Living In Her Car; The Blessing And Curse Of Asking For Help
Credit: Tonya TKO
Tonya TKO is not a household name but she has amassed quite a following on YouTube, particularly among Black women.
Since 2007, over 100,000 subscribers, or “love birds” as she calls them, have flocked to The Tonya TKO Show, to receive their bi-weekly fix of dating and relationship advice, self-esteem boosts, travel tales and good old fashioned wisdom.
Part-radiant personality and part-savvy business woman, Tonya was able to use her platform to not only launch her successful TKO Skin skincare line but also establish herself as a trusted lifestyle brand. She even began using the moniker, “Media’s #1 “Big Sister.”
In spite of her online success, the prominent Youtube vlogger (and New York resident) would earlier this year shock the online community when she announced, via her YouTube channel, that she was homeless and living in her car in Los Angeles.
Through her desperate plea, Tonya TKO raised nearly twelve thousand dollars via a GoFundMe campaign, which was supposed to cover the cost of shelter as well as production costs associated with her new webseries entitled The Displacement Diaries. But after weeks of updates and little change, some folks began to question the validity of her claims. This included other YouTube vloggers who have accused TKO of lying about her homelessness, being mentally ill and bilking her followers out of both money and attention (for a quick primer on the criticisms and allegations, check out this Huffington Post article).
Over the weekend, I had a chance to speak to Tonya TKO about her Displacement Diaries, the criticism and online harassment she received and living through the expectation versus the reality of Internet celebrity. This is what she had to say.
Yeah I know it’s a long piece. But we talk about homelessness. We talk about reaching our dreams. We never talk about the intersection of both. So for those who want to know what it is like, and for those in the midst of the struggle, this is an interview you will want to read to the end.
Charing Ball: The last video I saw, you were looking for a house, how close are you to making that happen?
Tonya TKO: Well, The Displacement Diaries is a little bit behind real life. There are some episodes that had three or four days in it and published one day after another. And then I wasn’t publishing on Sunday. So actually we are a few weeks behind and what you seen actually happened about a month ago.
CB: Okay, that’s interesting. So to clarify: you are publishing these videos a month after everything in real life was already recorded?
Tonya TKO: Yeah…when you are doing a daily blog, if you miss a day you are pushed behind by a day. If you miss two or three days, you are pushed behind by half a week. And if a few weekends go by without you publishing every single day, than you start getting pushed behind by like a week. Because I first started getting pushed behind right in the very beginning. I actually started publishing every day when I started to get the criticized after I got the money. Once I got the money, I started looking for a place feverishly and I was concentrating all of my efforts on that. So people were like, “oh look. Now she got the money; now she’s not making videos anymore.” Anyway, originally I lost two or three days in the very beginning. And then I went to a red carpet event and I lost three days there. So when you miss two days here and three days here, that becomes a week.
Another thing, and I haven’t told anyone this, but there was a Youtuber who told people to flag my channel. And so I had gotten several flags on my channel in the very beginning [of filming] and because of this I had several strikes. I was in the process of appealing. And since I didn’t want any more strikes while in the process of appealing, I limited my videos so they weren’t longer than 15 minutes. If you look at the beginning of The Displacement Diaries, the videos were 20 to 25 minutes but after I got that strike, I had to limit my videos. So at first, people were complaining, like why are you making these short videos. But I really couldn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want the people who were making these strikes, to know that they were having an effect on my account.
So that’s how The Displacement Diaries ended up behind schedule… And now that I’m only publishing three days a week, it is making it spread out even more. I don’t know how people do daily blogs. Daily blogs are very difficult. Before I used to do videos that were taped and it would take about three to four hours to chop it up. Now with the music and the video clips and cuts, it takes about six hours.
CB: I will say that the production value on the videos is fantastic. So does that mean you have a house now or is that something you are kinda teasing out for the viewers?
Tonya TKO: Yeah…[laughing]…Stay tuned. Everything becomes revealed. But I will say that the way things unfold is a way that I didn’t even expect. And that everything, whether it seems like a curse, actually turned into a blessing.
CB: So let’s talk about that. Just to recap: You had this really successful skin care line. You decided to quit that to travel the world for a couple of years and write a book. You got home and then what happened?
Tonya TKO: Well, I only traveled eight months. I went out of the country in 2015 to write the book. I went to Latin America and the trip was difficult. So I came back and the book wasn’t written. I stayed in New York for about three months. I was just going to the YouTube space in New York; just making videos and really trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the Tonya TKO show. And my spirit told me to go back to Los Angeles. So I took care of all of the things I needed to take care of in New York and then I headed out to Los Angeles. When I got to Los Angeles – I don’t know how much of this story you want – I was supposed to be staying in one of the bedrooms in the home of an associate. And when I got there, the situation was a lot different than I thought it was going to be. And I was actually sleeping on the couch…
Just to be totally transparent, four days before I was supposed to rent the room in her apartment, she told me her daughter was going to be renting the room instead and offered the couch. And when I got out there, I started getting all of these emails from my different banking institutions that my accounts had been levied.
And so I had a few thousand dollars left over after that long, extensive trip. And you know, I hear criticisms from people. But I also hear that the average American can’t go sixty days without a paycheck. And I went July 2014 to January 2015 on the money I had saved after I closed by business. And all of that was taken.
CB: From the government. The Man got you.
Tonya TKO: [laughing] Yeah, you are so funny. But it is my fault. When I was out of the country, I was not getting the corespondents informing me that there was a problem. And I didn’t close the business down properly. And when you don’t close your business and you’re collecting sales tax, they will average what they feel that you owe.
CB: And it happens. It’s not really unusual for small business owners to mess up with the paperwork. But is the tax troubles – combined with the couch situation – how you ended up in your car?
Tonya TKO: Okay this is how it happened: The couch situation was just not working out. At the same time that was happening, I was at an three-day seminar at YouTube and when I left, I was looking for an [alternative] place to stay because I had to be right back there in the morning. In Los Angeles, it costs about $100 to $125 to stay for a night – to stay at the Motel 8 is like $99 a night. So when I was looking for a place, I figured I would just get some sleep in the car and come right back in the morning. So the first night, I went to a construction site and they had all-night security over there. I told the night security that I would be in my car and the security guy looked out for me all night. Unfortunately, construction started at 4 a.m., so I had to find another place. But yeah, it started out with me just looking for a place to sleep for one night. And then one night turned into two and two days turned into a week and a week turned into almost three. And when I got to the 18th day, that’s when I made my first video.
CB: Okay so what happened on that 18th day that made you realize that you should be documenting this?
Tonya TKO: You know, the original video wasn’t even a documentation. The original video was a plea for help. I was going to the Starbucks daily to make videos and stay in the realm of creative people – because I was in my car. And I didn’t have anywhere to go during the day. So it was like, where do you go, when you have no place to go? I was in a new city; I didn’t have a place to chill. I didn’t want to chill in the car because it’s hot out there and during the day. And the only place I knew that had free wifi, a bathroom and food was Starbucks.
So, I met a guy at Starbucks and we get to talking. And he tells me that he too was displaced and living in his car. And at the time, I really didn’t know where to sleep with the car because I was new to it. And I was staying in residential areas and people were going to school in the morning. And I felt kind of weird in my car, parked outside of people’s houses. So this guy said that he was parking on the roof of this big box store. So the first night, I parked up there. It was a really quiet night; he was in his car and I was in my car. So I felt a little safer. So the next night, he told me that he was going to be spending a few nights some place else. So was by myself for a few days. One night, the motion sensors on the street lamps kept coming on. And I heard some stuff outside of the car. And I was frightened. That’s when I said, “I can’t do this.”
I tried making a video the day before [that incident happened], asking for help. This was in January and I hadn’t uploaded a video since Christmas. Matter of fact, I hadn’t actually made a video a month before that; I just uploaded on Christmas. And I usually post a video once or twice a week. And this one particular subscriber named Kim who had been following me since 2007, tapped me on the [Internet] shoulder and said, “where are you?” And I opened up to hear to let her know what was going on. I was really embarrassed at first. It’s embarrassing sleeping in your car. It’s embarrassing not having money. It’s embarrassing being grown and not being able to take care of yourself. And I opened up to her and told her what was going on and she told me to make a video about it; that I always shared the ups and downs with people. And after she said that, I started thinking she was right; that I should at least let people know what’s going on. I tried to make the video and I couldn’t. And I ended up making the video the very next night, which was the night I was frightened.
I just couldn’t find anyway out of the situation. I don’t make that much money from YouTube ad sense. I just don’t. And you’re caught in this weird conundrum where you’re Internet famous because you have all of the down parts of celebrity. You know: you have the living in a fish bowl; you have the people who know your face; and followers and people criticizing you. So you have all of the down parts of celebrity and none of the upsides. YouTube just don’t pay. Like I seen people writing, “oh I may quit my job and go do YouTube” and I’m like, “no.” YouTube does not pay you enough to make money. Because of the [YouTube’s] terms of fairness, I can’t talk about the actual break down of pay but I will say this, you need to make millions of views per month to just barely make it. So if you are getting tens of thousands of views, or even hundreds of thousands of views, that’s not enough to live off of. That’s barely enough to buy groceries with -not rent, not clothes and not take care of your children.
CB: I’m glad you brought that up. Technology has kind of altered how we view people. But going back to the first night that you did the video, was that before or after the GoFundMe?
Tonya TKO: No, the first video was the GoFundMe video.
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Tonya TKO GoFundMe
CB: So you have this GoFund Me and you raised 12 thousand dollars. Were you surprised about the response?
Tonya TKO: Yeah, I was really surprised by the response. I thought I was going to raise one thousand. In my very first day, I raised six thousand. Even now, thinking about it, it makes me emotional…[voice breaking]…I had no idea.
CB: Yeah that has to be overwhelming because you put so much time into your art and you never really know how people really feel about you. This is especially true online where you’re more likely to hear or focus on the negative rather than the positive. But let’s talk about the criticism for a second. So one of the big issues is the money. In particular, people think that you are running a scam. I saw a video in which someone questioned if you are even homeless. Not that you would actually admit it to me, but are you running a scam?
Tonya TKO: [sighs heavily] Oh Lord. The answer is No. I think there is something really important in those claims. First, the scam question. I’ll say this: I interact with people in real life. And the one thing you don’t see is people who know Tonya in real life saying that this is a scam. You don’t see people I went to high school or family saying it is a scam. The only people you see saying it’s a scam are people who are far removed from the situation. And people who are very far removed from me. So there are so many different things: there is a racial component and there is a gender component to why people keep coming out with these attacks. Because when you look at the faces of the people who are saying this is a scam and attacking me and telling people not to help me, those are the people who look like me. They are Black women and they are Black men.
And I ask you Charing, if I were an Asian woman, would there be an out-pouring of folks saying, “don’t help this b-i-t-c-h” or “don’t help this w-h-o-r-e?” I’m asking you?
CB: Um, probably not. But I have a question: How much do you think you being a woman plays into this?
Tonya TKO: And that’s the next part. There is a racial part and then there is a gender part. People notoriously discredit the word of a woman. Oh my God Charing, there is so much I can say about this, but let me put it this way: forty-seven women come out and call one man a rapist and people don’t believe it. If forty-seven men call one woman a ho, how many people would not believe it? It took one Black man to say I’m scamming for people to come out and start attacking and calling me a scammer.
So, when we talk about The Displacement Diaries falling behind real time, if I had to endure those severe attacks on those days when I was feeling my lowest, it would have been grueling for me. So it is a good thing that there was a little bit of cushion between those attacks they were giving and actual real time.
CB: You raise a good point. I also think it’s that expectation thing. Like, I think that people have an idea of what starting over is supposed to look like and then there is the reality. It’s like that old saying: people like the sausage but they don’t always appreciate how the sausage is made. Changing, starting over, a transformation or whatever you want to call it, is not always in a straight line. I personally know people who have moved with nothing more than lint in their pockets and they may end up slumming it on couches and bus stations or where-ever they could until they found a way to make it work for them. I feel like what you are going through, what you went through, is very human. But then there is this disconnect between what we all know is real life and what the audience actually will acknowledge.
Tonya TKO: Yes, I think that people are very unaware of what it actually looks like. When Tyler Perry says I lived in my car, it sounds glamorous when you see the successful part afterwards. They are clapping and applauding who you are today. But they don’t know what it looks like in the midst of it. They don’t know the emotional ups and downs. And the journey and the struggles. What it looks like is washing up in the sink of Starbucks. Or going to the gym to catch a shower. Or trying to get a shower any place or anywhere that you can. It looks like going to the bus depot to brush your teeth. So yeah, people are not really aware or cognizant of what it really looks like.
Second, people are not really aware of what it takes to really start over and if things do not cohere immediately. There is some stumbling when you’re trying to latch onto the new life. And third, there are people who are afraid to know what that looks like. There are people that are tightly clinging to their jobs because they won’t give themselves permission to try. And because they won’t give themselves permission to try, the reflection of someone trying, is a blinding to them. It’s a reflection of the internal criticism they have that would never allow something like that to happen within their lives. This person going after their dreams makes it glaringly obvious that I am not going after mine. Are they willing to do that? Does that person have what it takes to deal with what may come forward? Am I willing to do what Tonya has done? And they know they are not. And the pain they feel in their own lives, they reflect that back on to me. Why couldn’t Tonya feel like it was good enough to stay at her business? Why couldn’t Tonya feel like it is good enough to stay on someone’s couch? Why couldn’t Tonya feel like it was good enough to prostitute herself for somewhere to stay…
Listen, I was out there. I know what it is like. I am a woman. I didn’t have to be displaced, Charing. I could have prostituted myself night one. There are so many men who are willing to take a woman in for a night in exchange for sex.
CB: And that is a great segue into what I wanted to talk about next and that is attitude. In The Displacement Diaries, you are very positive about your situation and you talk a lot about energy and eternal guidance. A lot of people in your situation would fall into a severe depression. And when you’re deep in depression, it is hard to really focus on what you need to do and enact a change. Not to mention all of the people in your face, telling you it’s not going to work and that you’re crazy. Yet that has not been the case for you. Where does that will come from?
Tonya TKO: Well I think that everything that happened in Latin and Central America prepared me for all of this. I hit emotional rock bottom in Buenos Aires. It had been a year since I closed my business. I had been traveling with no real foundation; no place to call home. I couldn’t stay in the places I wanted to stay; eat the foods I wanted to eat. I didn’t have the type of money I wanted to have. And it really took me asking, “Who am I without the money and the career? What am I once all of that was taken away? And what is my value and what is my worth if I don’t have money. Who am I? Do I still love myself and am I worthy of love?” And these are the things I had to confront myself with on my trip. For so many people, we are the very first person we deny love to. So then you have to ask yourself are you worthy of your own love? And I had to ask myself that.
You know, my mother died when I was nineteen and I had to go through a journey then of figuring out who I am. That journey made me become the woman I am today. And it wasn’t until I got into that situation in the car, and I had to confront whether or not I would continue to love myself, that the words to the book poured out. The outline to my book happened during my displacement.
When you think about it, every cell in our body is different than the cells we had when we were children. But what is the part that is constant? As your body changes; as you grow taller and shorter or fatter or slimmer, what is that one part that stay constant? What is that one part in our body that does not change? That is who we are. And that is what I tapped into when I was displaced. I am energy and I have a very unique vibration that resonates on its own unique level on this earth.
Also tapping into your intuition. We have help. We have a higher self. We have guides. In the midst of all of that and when I didn’t know what to do, I trusted in my own energy and my higher self. And I listen to that because it has never steered me wrong. Does that answer your question?
CB: Yes Ma’am. And finally, you seem to be a person that is all about experiences. Like that is what you value more than anything else. Would you call yourself a wanderer or a free spirit? And in your personal opinion, do you think Black girls allowed to be that?
Tonya TKO: That’s an interesting question. I don’t know. What I do value is choice above all else because in every situation, there is choice. Choices are why we are here. Choices are what created our experiences and choice is how we interpret those experiences. I had a choice to become downtrodden in the car. I had the choice to be depressed. I had the choice to buckle. I had the choice to fall under. I had the choice to start cursing people out if I wanted to. I had choice to love myself regardless. So I had the choice and I choose love.
Do I consider myself a wanderer or a free spirit? I consider us all spirits who are free that we decide to trap into the confines of some many different things: our surroundings, our race, our gender and our religion… I feel deep in my heart that we are all wanderers. And people are here for the experiences of living and the choices thereof.
Finally are Black girls allowed to be free? I think there are so many labels like Black or White, females and males, girls and women…the fact that we have those labels to identify who a person is shows that we already don’t wander. The way that people freak out when a man puts on a skirt even when in ancient Roman times men wore skirts all of the time and in Islamic countries, they still do. So we have these ideas that we pigeon-hole each other into when we were all meant to be fluid. Remember when I said that my vibration is unique to me? Well, I feel like we all have our own vibration. And we were meant to live as we see fit individually. How this relates to Black women is that the confines are even tighter. People have so many ideas of what it means to be Black. People have even more ideas of what it means to be a Black women. And honestly those confines are killing us.
Of course, you can follow Tonya TKO’s journey at her website TonyaTKO.com. And you can check out the trailer to her series, here.
Charing Ball is a writer, cultural critic, free-thinker, slick-mouth feminist and bonafide troublemaker from Philadelphia. To read more of her writing, visit NineteenSeventy-Seven.com.
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