Guy’s Night: What You Think Happens Vs. What Really Happens

Movies like “The Hangover” don’t exactly make women feel at ease when their boyfriends or husbands go off to have guy’s night. We usually have to host a girl’s night, just to justify all of the wine we are going to have to drink to distract ourselves from the gross stuff that we assume is happening at guy’s night. But here’s a secret: it’s never even half that bad. It’s just important to men that we think things get out of hand. Something about holding onto their youth and not being held down or something. Men slow down like the rest of us. After college, most of them cannot handle the types of antics you see in notorious films about guys night. You really have nothing to worry about—but just act worried, so he feels cool. Here’s what you think happens at guys night versus what really happens.

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What you think happens: other women

Do you imagine that young girls in booty shorts are doing shots off of each other and making out with each other? Do you think every guy has a college COED on his lap, feeding him that pickle burrito pizza thing?

What really happens

Where would they be finding these girls? And why would these girls want to hang out with a bunch of men, with lower back problems and flabby stomachs when they could be hanging out with toned guys their own age?

What you think happens: misogyny

Your partner is all sweetness at home, but you might wonder if, when he’s with his friends, he dishes all the dirty details from your sex life. Maybe he tells them how subservient you are and all sorts of misogynistic BS.

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They talk about their feelings

When men get drunk, one of them will say something like, “Who are you texting? Your looover? Your wifey?” And then they’ll all laugh, and the texting guy will say, “Yeah. Dude. I like, really love her. I’m done for. I find myself thinking about things like naming our children. You can make fun of me.” And his friends are like, “No man. She’s a good woman. We’re happy for you.” And then somebody brings out a beer bong to break the moment, which has gotten too real.

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What you think happens: indecent exposure

You might think your guy, and his friends stand on the balcony of the beach house they rented or suite they booked in Vegas and try to catch poor, unsuspecting women’s attention so they can show off what they’re working with.

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What really happens

They don’t want to get arrested! None of them had that much money to put into this weekend getaway anyways—they are sure as hell not blowing it over a little indecent exposure. They do pee anywhere and everywhere, though. They probably use the toilet one out of every ten pees. They pee in potted plants, in sinks (yes, gross, we know) and out the window. They love this for some reason.

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What you think happens: shooting stuff

Did your guy go off into the woods to join his friends in a cabin for the weekend? You probably think they’re out there slaughtering their dinner, releasing their animal instincts.

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They make the most obscene food combos

Please. They don’t know how to shoot at anything! Or de-gut a squirrel! They do, however, get a huge kick out of making the most disgusting food combinations all weekend, like burritos stuffed with pickles and shoved inside of a rolled up pizza. But yeah—it’s all from the frozen foods section of the grocery store.

What you think happens: adult movies

When you picture their hotel room, you probably imagine wide screen of naked butts and tits everywhere. You imagine they just have triple X everywhere, for ambiance.

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What really happens

None of those guys would ever admit to each other what they like to watch in those movies! They watch sports or World Star. That’s about as raunchy as it gets.

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What you think happens: strippers

We’ve been lead to believe that the first thing men do when they’re alone for a night is hire strippers. Maybe they even order…um…professionals. Escorts, if you will.

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What really happens

You may not think that your guy would order a prostitute, but maybe his friends—right? He probably doesn’t hang out with total monsters who would be willing to ruin their relationships and marriages over paid-for sex. If one wild card does hire a professional, everybody else yells at him and tells him they need to get a separate room.

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What you think happens: drugs

Not all guy’s nights look like a scene from the movie “Blow.” There isn’t strange paraphernalia and rolled up money everywhere.

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What really happens

The aforementioned wild card might bring some drugs. And if he gets any interest, there will be precautionary talks like, “Will somebody just make sure I don’t puke on myself or misplace my wallet? Did we get enough Gatorade? Can we request a late checkout because I’ll need more sleep.” Their bodies aren’t what they used to be.

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What you think happens: breaking sh*t

Most guy’s nights end with some incidentals right? Some damage charges on the credit card? A broken television, some mangled lamps. They throw things off of balconies, just because.

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What really happens

I already mentioned that they pee everywhere, right? Aside from that, they usually get really into building fires. Obsessed with building fires. And they might burn something like a phone book or menu, but that’s about it. They all come home smelling like a bond fire, of course.