From a very young age my family and I discovered that I had a sharp tongue. When I got in trouble as a child 8 times out of 10 it was for something that I said rather than something I’d done. I can’t tell you the amount of times I had my lips popped or my parents told me to “watch my mouth.”
The trouble was– the rudeness didn’t extend past my family members and close friends. Call it home training or cowardice but when it came to people outside my circle, I had nothing for them. I wouldn’t think of the perfect retort until two hours later. Here are some of those late replies…that you’d probably never even utter.
1- You Look Tired
Whether you know you’re looking beat or not- the assertion that you look tired will always take you aback. Of course you have to consider the source. If it’s someone who loves you, then you can take their statement as a sign of concern. But if it’s a distant coworker or a random of some other sort this declaration just comes off as rude.
You’d like to say…: “Yeah, I have a terminal disease that causes extreme fatigue. Thanks for reminding me.”
Or if it’s a woman who notices the bags under your eyes, you could say “Your boyfriend/brother/father/husband kept me up late last night.”
2- …you’re not getting any younger, you know?
This usually comes from a parent or family member who’s stressing you about achieving some goal they believe you have for yourself.
You’d like to Say… “And neither are you. In fact you’re a little closer to the grave than I am.”
3- Did you want your hair to look like that?
When you venture out and try something new with your hair, clothes or makeup there’s a good chance that it won’t be perfect the first time around. Whether you like it or love it, what you DON’T need is someone discouraging your creative risk taking.
You’d like to say: “Yeah. Did you want your face to look like that?”
4- You’ve gained/lost a little weight haven’t you?
Whether you’ve put on a few pounds or you’ve (intentionally or unintentionally) shed a few, comments about your weight can be a little tricky, especially if you’re not ready to talk about it just yet.
You’d like to say…“Yeah, you’re starting to look a little chunky/emaciated yourself.”
5. Your child doesn’t look anything like you.
After people have hounded you about getting a man and having a child, when and if you actually do decide to reproduce, they cheapen your contribution to your child’s gene pool with comments like this. If you’re a woman you know you pushed that sucker out through your lady parts but if you’re a man, albeit an insecure one, you might actually start to question your child’s paternity. It’s just out of pocket.
You’d like to say… “My vagina knows he/she’s mine.”
