Infatuation is one of the illest feelings when a relationship is new. You can’t wait to see your new boo, get a call or a text, or a surprise lunch date. But then, after three months or so, you feel like, maybe, your dude is pulling away. He doesn’t call as much, so you call more. He doesn’t call back right away, so 30 minutes later you’re sending him a text wondering why he hasn’t answered your calls. You show up at his door (even if he lives a hour-and-a-half away) unannounced to treat him to breakfast. You question why he’s not answering is home phone, and drive by his crib to see if his car is there. All the while, you feel crazy and desperate, but you can’t stop.
He’s becoming your obsession, and the more you push, the more he pulls away. “Most obsessive relationships don’t last. The partner of the obsessive love frequently becomes tired of [the other’s] overwhelming needs” says Monique Belton, PhD, co-author of The Essential Guide to Overcoming Obsessive Love.
Dr. Belton gives us some red flags that you can identify in either yourself or your partner. She calls them “Obsession Alerts”…..
Immediate Physical Attraction
Obsessive lovers often rush into a sexual relationship before developing an emotional bond with their partner. Because of that physical intensity, they think there’s an emotional bond, say Dr. Belton.
Practicing How His Last Name Sounds With Your Name
The non-obsessed consider the possibility of a future, while the potential bunny-boiler has already made up their minds that THIS IS IT! “The obsessive partner has already determined that this is his/her one and only love who will be his partner for life and beings to make plans for the future. There is no room for doubt,” says Dr. Belton.
You Snoop
Obsessive people don’t respect privacy. They run through your phone contacts and will even call friends and relatives to gather information about you. “This behavior can begin within days or weeks of the start of a relationship or may not show up until some event, such as becoming engaged or going away to school, triggers the obsessive feelings.”
You’re Overly Dependent
You aren’t able to function–get out of bed, go to work or hang out with friends–until you’ve had some kind of contact with your dude. You stay in bed and mope until he calls or comes to see you. Until he does, it’s drapes closed, pajamas, and Lifetime movies all day while you cry into your pillow.
You Don’t Want Him to Hang Out with His Buddies Anymore
Outsiders are a threat to a girl or guy who is obsessed. If your boyfriend just wants to go play ball on Saturday morning instead of cuddling in bed with you, then his buddies become the enemy. “Obsessive lovers often manipulate situations to keep their partner to themselves.”
There’s No Trust
If you can’t get it out of your mind that your man is cheating on you (and he’s really not) and you keep accusing him of having phantom encounters with random chicks, you might need to have some serious introspection. Dr. Belton says that this kind of jealously develops as time goes on.
Forcing the L-word
It’s been a few months and the more you get involved and “I love you’s” have been exchanged, you make him say it EVERY TIME you talk to him, especially if it’s a phone call. If he doesn’t say, “I love you too, Snookkums!” you immediately think he doesn’t love you anymore, or he’s with another woman.
If you recognize yourself in this list, you might need to step back and think about what emotional feelings of insecurity or low self-esteem that is fueling this behavior. Otherwise, it will keep happening and you’ll keep wondering why you’re always getting dumped.
If you recognize yourself in this list, you might need to step back and think about what emotional feelings of insecurity or low self-esteem that is fueling this behavior. Otherwise, it will keep happening and you’ll keep wondering why you’re always getting dumped.
Christelyn D. Karazin is the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race Culture and Creed (to be released April 2012), and runs a blog, www.beyondblackwhite.com, dedicated to women of color who are interested and or involved in interracial and intercultural relationships. She is also the founder and organizer of “No Wedding, No Womb,” an initiative to find solutions to the 72 percent out-of-wedlock rate in the black community.
