15 Adult Terms That Make Millennials Nauseous - Page 2

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As millenials we’re staying younger, longer — mentally at least. Biologically, we’re still aging at a totally normal pace, which can catch us off guard. We’re a generation that is encouraged to follow our dreams instead of taking the safe, 9 to 5, 401K with benefits path. We’re told to marry later, cohabitate for at least five years first, and have kids in our late thirties. And you know what? It’s not a bad plan.

Some could argue that the reason divorce rates have been so high is that they represent a generation that was pressured to marry young when they didn’t know who they were yet, or who their partners were. Some could argue that the reason some of the most intuitive technology has been created in the last decade, is because college grads were encouraged to live with their parents while they worked on an app rather than get a job. But for all of these same reasons, there are a lot of adult terms that we just don’t get.

Registry

We millennials like to make our purchases on the fly. We hope to collect knick knacks and trinkets for our home slowly, over decades of road tripping and antiquing. We don’t like the idea of planning out our entire home in one day, in one store. That feels factory made.

Mortgage

Mortgage? No no no. We understand rent. We don’t possibly make enough money for somebody to give us a home loan. We don’t buy homes. We buy beach cruisers, and even that feels pretty big.

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Escrow

Escrow—that’s one of the seven circles of hell or something right? Is escrow just a time when we wrestle with the property seller in their front yard, and whoever wins names the price?

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Investment portfolio

Portfolios are for artwork. Portfolios are for photographers. Portfolios are for models walking up Hollywood Blvd going into auditions. They’re not for boring columns of numbers.

Dividends

So it’s…how much we made? Oh, it’s not? It’s how much we get to keep out of what we made? Wait so, did our money grow or what?

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Deductibles and principals

Yeah…we were grandfathered into our parent’s pretty awesome health insurance plan. We don’t negotiate principals and deductibles.

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Wedding checklist

We can handle a checklist for the dollar store. We can handle a packing checklist for Coachella. We can handle a checklist for the cousins we need to call on big holidays. We cannot keep checklists of napkin holders, bread baskets, eco-friendly paper for invitations and cake toppers.

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Prenuptial

Oh, those old things? Yeah. We don’t need those. We date for, like ten years before marrying someone. And we marry our best friends. So yeah—we’re all good on the prenup. Not necessary.

Depreciating assets

What do you mean that my perfectly curated wardrobe–the one I have built from designer consignment store and thrift stores over twenty years–is a depreciating asset? Doesn’t my financial advisor know that I wore these jeans when I danced on stage at my favorite concert? These have value!!!

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Attachment parenting

We like freedom, space, open floor plan offices with no cubicles. We like to keep relationships casual for the first year at least. We’re not down with the word “Attachment.”

Balancing a checkbook

I will write the check. I will usually make sure I have enough money in my bank account to back it up. That feels responsible enough.

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Secured loan

We’re millennials, so we don’t have the things one needs to get a secured loan like a car or property.

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Retirement plan

The plan? Oh. Um. Errrrr. How about I just try to make money doing what I love, and maybe I’ll have, like, a few thousand left when I retire? I can just move in with all my friends in a big house. Yeah. That’s a plan.

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Roth IRA

IRA…that’s somebody’s endearing grandpa with a New York accent, right? And Roth…Roth was involved in some women’s rights act in the 60’s, is that correct? Cool. Or was that Roe?