Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Homies, Lovers and Friends

I have a situation that I can’t seem to figure out.

I dated this guy for two years, three years ago – we connected on all levels. We didn’t have a bad break up, just got too busy and lost all contact (me with school and him with working).

Well we recently got back in touch with one another and started hanging out again, going on four months now. We have a very good vibe but it’s not a relationship vibe, it’s definitely a “hanging with my homie” vibe. I spoke upon this about five weeks ago to him and he said it’s my fault because that is the vibe that I’m giving to him while he is definitely trying to get back with me.

I figured it was just me and then I started doing more romantic type stuff with and to him such as candlelit dinners, bubble baths, sensual massages, and erotic picnics. But, even with all of that, I still get the same vibe of I’m hanging out with my homie. Our kisses don’t spark (are always on the forehead), our hugs don’t show love (quick and cute) and to be honest, since being back around him, I’ve only seen him aroused twice (he’s spent the night with me several times). I throw him hints and he just acts like it’s nothing and gives me no reaction. I even asked him was he just not attracted to me and his answer was, “No, Baby – I’m crazy for you.” I mean, some of his actions do show me that he is into me like when he writes me love letters, goes shopping with me, attends family outings, and cleans my house but his other actions show me  otherwise.

Anyways, about two weeks ago, we slept together for the first time (since reuniting) and when I tell you that I was in complete shock. Baby, stepped way out the box on that night and it felt amazing. His conversation was on point, he did all the things he had never done before, and he was very spontaneous. I had to tell him nothing, it was like as if he knew everything about me that night. I felt like we were getting back to our old vibe where we had connected on all levels.

But as soon as morning came that vibe went out the window and the homie vibe came back into play. And I haven’t talked to him since because I don’t know what else to do to help get us on a better vibe. I should not be feeling like I’m dating one of my homies when I’m dating my man. . .  Please help me figure out what’s going on.

Signed,

Sparkless

Dear Sparkless,

Before I begin, I need to ask one question: What the hell is an erotic picnic? Is it just like a regular picnic except for the fact that you go to the park dressed in S&M outfits? Do you make sure to only eat phallic symbol foods such as cucumbers, bananas, and fudge cream sicles? Do you have this picnic in the lobby of a Chinese massage parlor? Is “erotic picnic” just a euphemism for “Fawking in the grass?” Seriously, Sparkless, when you’re done reading this letter, can you leave a comment explaining exactly why I need to step my erotic picnic game up? I’d really appreciate it.

Oh, and about your situation, I blame it all on “The Notebook.” If you haven’t seen “The Notebook,” I blame this all on “Love Jones.” If you haven’t seen “Love Jones,” I blame this all on “Sex and The City.” If you haven’t seen “Sex and The City,” I blame this all on “Cinderella”

Basically, I blame Hollywood and Disney for indoctrinating us (and by “us” I mean “women”) with the idea that having some bullshit “spark” is essential to having a loving relationship. Seriously, think about what you just told me. You have a man you love who goes on erotic picnics and Shyte with you, writes — not emails, but actually writes — you love letters, takes you shopping, attends your family reunion boat rides, and Fawks the hell out of you. But, because he’s not the exact type of lover you want — basically because you’re not feeling butterflies when you’re together — you think something is missing.

Now, I’m not saying that you’re wrong to write this letter. Even though they’re EXTREMELY overrated, some people do need those butterflies to be happy in a relationship, and you sound like you might be one of them..

If this relationship’s not enough for you, fine. You — not anyone else — need to determine what makes you happy. Still, remember that butterflies, fireworks, and sparks are fleeting, and also be aware that some men show their love through actions and just making sure they’re always by your side. Wishing on some magical fireworks might work in the movies, but in real life all fireworks will get you is a shirt smelling like sulfur and a fine from your landlord.

Sincerely,

Damon Young (aka The Champ)

Dear Champ,

I have a bit of a problem. Ive been with my boyfriend for a while now, and the relationship is great. I think we’ll be together for a very long time, but there’s one thing that bothers me. He wont introduce me to any of his female friends. I’ve asked him about meeting them numerous times and he hesitates or changes the subject. I just want to meet them. My question is, how can you expect me to want to build a future together if you have friends that you wont let me even meet? What is he hiding? Should I let this go?

Sincerely,

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

I have to say that this is a first. I’ve received questions about men not introducing their girlfriends to their boys, men not introducing their girlfriends to their parents, men not introducing their girlfriends to their Facebook accounts, and even men not introducing their girlfriends to their pets. (Seriously, I once had a woman write me at Very Smart Brothas email account; angry and saddened over the fact that her new beau refused to let her feed his goldfish. I advised her that she probably shouldn’t be dating Weebay Brice, anyway.)

Anyway, I’m not sure exactly want he’s hiding, but he is hiding something, and it’s probably one of two things:

1. You.
2. His friends
3. His relationship with one of his “friends”

Now, seeing that you’ve been together for a minute and you’ve presumably met other people in his life, I doubt he’s hiding you. (I will say though that maybe he knows that you’re the irrationally jealous type, and he knows it’s in everybody’s best interest to keep you the hell away from any other women. Again, I doubt this is true, but it’s possible)

It’s also possible that he’s embarrassed by his friends — maybe they’re a crew of carjacking strippers from Newark or something — but I doubt this as well.

What it seems like is that he might have an inappropriate relationship with one of these “friends,” and he wants to prevent any chance that you all are in the same room together at the same time. I also won’t even jump to the conclusion that he’s cheating on you. Well, cheating on you physically, at least. Maybe it’s an ex-girlfriend he still has a bit of bond with. Maybe he knows that the friend has a huge crush on him, and he knows that she’ll throw serious shade at any woman he happens to bring around. Maybe he’s one of those guys who flirts a ton and loves having multiple women fawn over him, and he knows that the fawning fanbase might lose members if they know he actually is boo-ed up.

Either way, I’m not a big fan of ultimatums, but in this case it sounds like you need to force a meeting to see where his loyalties truly are.

Sincerely,

Damon Young (aka The Champ)

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com

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