Lazy, immature, reckless, promiscuous, commitment-phobes—just a few of the many complaints made about today’s young, black “men.”
The absence of fathers in the black community has skewed the idea of manhood and what it entails. Our boys are indoctrinated by misogynist rap lyrics, half-naked video models and dope boys flaunting wads of money they won’t have a few years down the line. And of course, corporations have no problem continuing to fund a hypersexualized culture that values brawn over brains.
Parents have their work cut out for them, mothers especially. Single or married, we generally spend the most time with our children; and, as a result, much of their behavior is a reflection of our approach to parenting. Little black boys are held to different standards and it’s our responsibility not only to prepare them for life’s hurdles but teach them how to persevere also.
Too many of our boys are coddled into the real world, with Mommy there to play Mrs. Fix-It and defend poor choices made too late. Circumstances may not be the best, so instead of teaching them how to work with the cards they’re dealt, many mothers attempt to overcompensate by giving everything and accepting very little in return. Despite bringing home terrible grades for example, plenty of boys have mothers who work double shifts to be able to buy them new iPhones and more for Christmas. Although it’s done with the most genuine of intentions, it inhibits development and only entrenches them deeper into boyhood. The unconditional love of a mother can be blind and, sometimes, we have to take a step back and put things into perspective for the better. Ask yourself the following:
Am I constantly making excuses for bad behavior?
Do I just let things go?
What am I protecting him from?
Why aren’t my standards higher?
How much of what I give him does he earn?
Is failure going to boost his self-esteem?
Can he adequately speak for himself?
What are his goals and dreams?
When mothers “protect” their sons from failure and disappointment, boys are crippled. For misbehaving, they should be reprimanded—every time. Why? Bad behavior is just that, bad. For every action there is a reaction, better to learn the lesson earlier than later in a prison cell. Boys who like to test their limits may seem like they’re always in trouble, especially around ages two and three; but, consistency is essential. Start young and you will be able to rest better when they’re older. Boys need to understand that poor choices always have consequences; and, since no one really gets away with anything in the long run, it’s in their best interest to make smart decisions. No exceptions, no excuses.
Your son should also know how to and be comfortable speaking for himself. Though you may be available to speak on his behalf, the key is getting him to want the independence to challenge or defend himself against authority he doesn’t agree with. He should have a desire to take control of personal situations, and do so without acting a fool. How can he ever manage a company or lead a family relying on Mom?
Children enjoy doing things they’ve mastered, but expertise comes from hard work and practice. Standards, across the board, should be high and challenging to nurture a spirit of excellence and resiliency. It shouldn’t be easy for your son to quit and the last thing he should ever say to you is “I can’t.” Encouraging your son to push through a sport’s injury or a difficult math course builds fortitude and the reward on the other side of the mountain called achievement, which boosts self-esteem. Confident boys have lofty goals. They dream…and believe in possibility.
Being a real man comes with pressure. So, our boys need the self-assurance, zeal and expectations to be the businessmen, mentors, fathers and providers that bring restoration to a broken community. We must love our sons enough to bring out the best in them and be willing to sacrifice a “friendship” with them to lead them into manhood.
Raise your son to make you proud, not just a grandmother.
LaShaun Williams is a culture and relationship columnist, blogger and commentator. Her work has been featured on popular urban websites and she has made appearances on several radio shows. Williams is also the voice behind Politically Unapologetic, where she unabashedly discusses pop culture, relationships and everything in between. Follow @itsmelashaun on Twitter or Facebook.
