Unhealthy Vs Healthy Jealousy: Where’s The Line?

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A little dose of jealousy can be healthy; it means that you’re invested in the relationship, that you’re very attracted to your partner, and that you give a damn what happens to the two of you. Your partner shouldn’t be totally cool with you sharing a bed with one of your male friends–he should raise an eyebrow if not say, “Nope.” If he couldn’t care less about that, he might just not care about the relationship at all.

And you should feel a little blood boiling when your partner gets late-night drinks with a female coworker who you know has a thing for him. That means that you care. But, jealousy can go too far. There is a difference between being concerned and being possessive (and in handcuffs because you stalked his female friend.) So, when it comes to being jealous, where is the line between healthy and unhealthy jealousy?

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When he mentions that one name

If there is one woman your boyfriend talks about a lot–maybe a coworker or a friend–who he constantly says is so funny and so smart and such a catch, you can get jealous. You should be the only woman who takes up that much of his head space.

When he mentions any name

If your imagination runs wild with infidelity scenarios any time your partner mentions any female name, your jealousy has gone too far. He’s going to know other women. Women do take up half of this planet, after all.

When he takes a call in another room

That’s definitely suspect. Even if he isn’t cheating, he might speak to another woman in a way that he knows would upset you. So then why is he speaking to her that way? 

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When he takes a call. Period.

If you feel offended when he so much as takes any phone call while with you, that’s gone too far. Life cannot go on hold for your relationship.

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Not wanting him to rage every night

Guy time is important–sure. But if your boyfriend is in a relationship (and happy to be in it) his cravings for guy nights, spent drinking at mostly singles bars, should diminish. If he still does this several nights a week, you have a right to be jealous. You deserve a little more of his time–certainly more than the random women at bars.

Not wanting him to see friends

If you don’t want him to hang out with his single, male friends at all for fear that they’ll bring him back to “their side” or influence him to cheat, you’ve gone too far. You need to trust your partner enough to let him go to a mostly-singles bar. Newsflash: life is a mostly singles bar. Are you going to lock your partner inside?

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When his female friend gets more of his time

Your boyfriend can certainly have a female best friend. But it’s only natural, when you get into a serious relationship, to spend more time with your romantic partner than your friends. Romantic relationships take more constant interactions to simply survive. So if your partner is spending as much if not more time with a female friend than he is with you, you are right to feel, “Wait so…who is your girlfriend here?”

When he has a female friend

If you try to forbid your boyfriend from hanging out alone with his female friend, you’ve crossed a line. They never banged when they were perfectly free to, so why would they now? Oh yeah, and you should trust your partner.

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You don’t like when he flirts

Hey, he had to build that flirting muscle nice and strong for years while he was single. It’s how he found you! It’s hard for him just to turn that flirt impulse off when a cute server is being sweet to him. You can call him out when he’s laying it on too thick.

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You think he’s always flirting

But, if you think he flirts with everybody and everything, then you’re probably the one in the wrong. Like, if you think he is flirting with a man, when you know he’s straight.

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He doesn’t defend you online

He may still have some old flames who don’t know he’s taken now. These old flames might post messages on his Facebook like, “You’re looking good. What’s new?” If he doesn’t tell them that what is new is, well, you, then you have a right to get up in arms.

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Women talk to him online

If you lose it because his female coworker posts a funny Panda Bear video on his wall, you might need to check yourself. Watch a Panda Bear video; it will calm you down.

You like a general idea of what he’s up to

When you become close to somebody, it’s normal to want to know what they’re up to. This helps you know if and when you can say yes to things you’re invited to as a couple, and it just keeps you in the loop on exciting and important events in your partner’s life.

You demand his detailed agenda

If you, however, demand a detailed agenda of where your partner will be, when he is leaving that place, and who else will be there, your jealousy has probably gone too far.

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You’ve breached his privacy

If your partner provokes your jealousy so badly that you end up hacking his email or checking his text messages, then either your partner seriously misbehaves, or you seriously need to do some personal work. Either way, that’s gone too far.