8 Things A Man Should Never Say To His Unemployed Girlfriend
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*update*
With the unemployment rate hovering at 11.1% in June and some cities reverting back to Phase 1 status after hasty reopenings in the wake of Covid-19, it’s very plausible that you’re involved with someone who has lost their job within the past four months. Depending on your status, being unemployed can affect you in different ways. Those who are single may struggle more without a support system while married individuals potentially have another source of income to lean on if their spouse is employed. But there’s a tricky middle ground many Americans are navigating right now which is the together, but not married relationship stage where you may not quite know how — or even if you should — be there for your partner who’s out of work. That’s why we’re revisiting this throwback slideshow to help you navigate this difficult time.
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If you’re in a relationship with a woman who has just lost her job, or who has perhaps been unemployed and on the job hunt for months, you want to do everything you can to help her feel encouraged. Being romantically involved with somebody who is unemployed is complex. You know your partner’s job status affects her on many levels. It’s emotional because your partner might question her skill level or competence at this time. It’s practical since she has bills to pay and doesn’t want to become a burden to you. And it’s potentially gender complicated if she’s feeling like she’s fallen into a “gender norm” by letting her partner pay for her life. As her partner, you’ll struggle to say anything that doesn’t strike at least one of these nerves. But no matter what you do, don’t say these things to your unemployed girlfriend.
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Don’t say, “I can support you.”
She doesn’t want to feel like you are holding her up, taking care of her, or supporting her. You say this because you just want her to know there is a backup plan. But she feels like she’s letting herself down, and feminists everywhere, by accepting her man’s proposal to support her.
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Instead, say, “I’m here if you need me.”
Just let her know that you’re there (and by you I mean your financial resources) if she needs a last resource. Give her the peace of mind of knowing that should she absolutely need your financial support, it will be there. Don’t give her the insult of jumping to the conclusion that she needs it.
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Don’t say, “Now you can focus on what you really want”
If you’re looking for the silver lining, you might say to your partner, “Now you have free time to focus on what you really want to do! Take this opportunity to ask yourself what fields you truly want to work in. The world is your oyster.” This stresses her out. This makes her feel like you’re watching her, and counting on her to go do something incredible with her “new opportunity.”
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Instead say, “At least that sh-tty job is behind you”
You can, instead, remind her of all the reasons she never liked that job anyway. You can celebrate the fact that she no longer has to deal with the long hours or the mean boss. She can put the pieces together for herself that tell her now she is free to do whatever she wants.
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Don’t say, “Want me to help you find a job?”
You’re not her guidance counselor or her father or someone who works at the unemployment office. She doesn’t want your pity! She doesn’t want to feel like you think she can’t find a job on her own. She wants to get a job by her own merit and not by her boyfriend or husband’s connections.
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Do say, “I might know someone who can help.”
If you have a good friend or colleague who could give her tips on job leads, hiring companies, or people to reach out to, set up a phone call between your girlfriend and that person. It’s just important that you’re not that person because then it feels like you’re holding her hand through the job hunting process.
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Don’t say, “Don’t worry about paying me back soon.”
Uh…No DUH! You didn’t mean for it to come off this way, but when you say, “Don’t worry about paying me back soon” you sound like the cocky guy on a first date who says, “You just go ahead and order anything you want from the menu.” It should be a given. Don’t remind your partner that you’re doing her favors.
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Instead, say, “You’d do the same for me.”
Simple, to the point and true. If you cover your partner’s half of a utility bill or get her movie tickets for the month, just say, “You’d do the same for me.” Show her that you’re paying for her not because you expect her to get you back, but because you know she’d always have your back.
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Don’t say, “You’re so much more than your job”
If your girlfriend is feeling insecure and lost without her job, you might say this to help her feel grounded. A lot of people identify greatly with their jobs—who they are is what they do. You just want your girlfriend to know that you love her for her more permanent traits, and not her job. But that’s not helping right now: in fact, it’s making her feel even more lost and confused.
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Instead say, “You’ve loved me through rough times”
Remind her of the time that you were unemployed, or that you had something difficult happen to you. You probably weren’t your usual self, and your partner still loved you. If you remind her of that, then she’ll stop panicking wondering, “Am I even attractive to my partner now?” She’ll remember all the good things she has done for you, and realize, “Of course I’m still attractive to him.”
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Don’t say, “Everybody’s struggling right now”
She doesn’t want to be lumped in with everybody. Even if everybody is struggling, she wants to feel like you see her as extraordinary. She wants to feel like you don’t expect the same things that happen to everybody to happen to her, because she is special.
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Do say, “You’ll find something because you’re x, y and z.”
This is a time to remind her why she is extraordinary! Tell her that, while unemployment is high and there is competition for jobs, she’ll stand out. Remind her that she is bright, dependable, approachable and responsible. She needs a confidence boost right now. She doesn’t need to imagine herself in the hoards of everyone looking for work.
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Don’t say, “Weren’t you going to quit to be a mom anyway?”
Or, “Weren’t you going to quit when we got married” or “Were you really planning on working forever ?” A) This might stink of misogynism and B) She wanted to get to decide when her job ended. If she did have plans to stop working to become a mom, she wanted to waltz happily into that scenario and not be pushed into it.
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Instead say, “You should do some of the things you’ve always wanted now”
Encourage her to travel to that part of the world she’s always wanted to say (money allowing), to visit that old college girlfriend she hasn’t seen in years, to take that intensive two-month business course at the local college, or to write that memoir she’s always wanted to write. Just don’t imply that this is permanent—it’s just a way for her to be productive until the new job comes.
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Don’t say, “Maybe you can ask your parents for help”
First of all, if you are saying this then you are also inadvertently saying, “But don’t ask me for help!” which is hurtful to her. She wasn’t going to ask you for help, but you’ve insulted her by preemptively turnign her attention towards her parent’s bank accounts. Second, she doesn’t want to ask her parents for help either! That makes her feel like a kid again.
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Instead, say, “You have tons of options.”
She can take out a personal loan and pay it off in small, manageable installments. She can dip into her emergency savings account (because this is an emergency technically). And finally, if she absolutely has to, she can ask her parents. But say it in a way that tells her that you know how much that would suck, too.
