Signs You’re Not Ready To Be A Mom. At All. - Page 8

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Some women think that having a baby would strengthen their relationship; other women think that having a baby would mean never being without an adorable accessory. Some women think pushing a stroller around and playing the single mom card is a good way to meet men; other women think nine months of maternity leave is worth 18 years of parenthood.

All of those women are wrong, nuts and irresponsible, and I pray somebody is checking them. But even if you don’t fall under one of those glaringly bad categories, you might still not be ready to be a mom. The signs could just be more subtle. If you’re sweet, caring, maternal and love children, you might think, “What’s the worst that could happen?!” A lot. So much. Wherever your brain just went—yeah, that can happen. Here are 15 signs you’re not ready to be a mom, like at all.

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Your dog waits until 11 am for breakfast

You will not get up early in the morning even for the career opportunity of a lifetime. You wouldn’t get up early to meet your idol. And your dog has learned to wait until 11 am to eat breakfast or go outside. If you won’t set an alarm clock for those things, you won’t appreciate the living alarm clock that is a baby.

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You revolve vacations around booze

Does the hotel have a bar? Does the hotel have a mini bar so we can keep booze in the room? What is the best local happy hour? Are there mimosas served at brunch? Can somebody else drive so that I can drink beer on the way to the hotel? It’s fine if you’re still in your raging-balls stage. It’s not fine if you add a baby to that.

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You refuse to keep a calendar

You purposely lead a lifestyle in which a calendar isn’t necessary. You never make concrete plans or purchase tickets ahead of time to anything because you like always having the option of being spontaneous. You can’t do that when your child has school, after school activities, doctor’s appointments, pick up times, feeding times, PTA meetings…you get the idea.

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You won’t give up luxury items

The most important thing to you is having your multi-thousand-dollar electronics, your crystal champagne glasses, and your designer shoes. These are the things that matter to you in life. You cannot, however, simultaneously love these things and a baby. The latter will destroy the former.

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You can’t stand dumb questions

If an adult asks you a dumb question, you give them a look that could cut through cement and make a sarcastic comment worthy of Miranda’s dialogue on Sex and the City. Guess what: children are dumb-question machines for eighteen years, and then some.

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Your phone is always lost or dead or broken

You’re one of those people who never has a phone. You dropped your phone in a toilet, or went on a spontaneous yachting trip without a charger, or left it in one of the many many Ubers you take from bar to bar. People who never have a phone are usually not people who can have a baby.

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You have two things in your fridge

And one of them is a flask that you like to keep chilled for your vodka cran’s on-the-go.

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Your home looks like it was struck by a hurricane

You’re messy. You’re extremely messy. You never have guests over because it’s easier to meet friends at a restaurant than to do what it would take to get that hoarder’s nest in which you live in order. A child cannot live in that. In fact, you might lose a baby in there.

You travel every month (or week)

You’re still scratching a serious travel itch. A look back at your calendar pages from the last few months reveals week after week of trips. You have even more plane, train, and bus tickets booked as far as the eye can see. If you still need to travel to live and breathe, you can’t have a kid; having a kid puts traveling on hiatus for several years.

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You like to be the center of attention

You still like to dance on bars, post several hot selfies a day, and audition for the woman in the shiny dress who spins the wheel on Wheel of Fortune (okay you’ve never had an audition, but you spend an hour a day pursuing one). You don’t get to be the center of attention when you have a kid. You don’t even get to be a tiny corner of attention.

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You’d be lost without your pedicure/Pilates

You feel completely disheveled, lost, confused and desperate without your regular maintenance. You can’t live without regular blow-outs, mani-pedi’s and Pilates. With a kid, you’re lucky if you get to do one of those once a year.

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You still play hooky from work

If you’re still looking for ways to sneak out of your obligations, how can you be counted on to get a child to school/the doctor/playdates, etc.?

You’ve never been in a relationship that lasted three years

Two years are easy. During the first two years of a relationship, you’re still too horny and excited to pick up on the things that bother you about somebody. It’s the three-year mark when you either can or cannot handle the rigors of daily life and a committed relationship with somebody who, sure, you love, but aren’t crazy stoked about anymore. If you can’t do that, then you can’t have a baby. You will not be crazy stoked about your baby every day, but he won’t go anywhere like a boyfriend could.

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You don’t take yourself to the doctor

You haven’t been in for your yearly checkup in three years. You haven’t been to the dentist in just as long. You assume every ache, pain and rash is just indigestion and refuse to have a doctor look into it. But babies and kids need to go to the doctor a lot.