Feminist Dating Tips That Could Ruin Your Love Life
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The feminist community is a tight knit one. There are networks of feminists who help each other get jobs. There are websites where you can find feminist health practitioners. There are entire conventions, attended by thousands of individuals, promoting feminist-backed businesses and professionals. But should feminism completely govern how you date?
If you go to your feminist community on Facebook for advice on where to work or which neighborhoods to live, should you go to them for dating advice as well? There are some areas of your life that shouldn’t have much crossover, but dating and feminism are tricky because they require just the right amount of crossover. If you’re a heterosexual woman, the reality is that the way you express feminism might intimidate or confuse men who are, themselves, feminists! Here are feminist dating tips that could actually ruin your dating life.
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Just read the room
You don’t need to bring up the subject of feminism to gauge whether or not your date is a feminist. You should have the basic skills to assess that yourself. Bringing it up can make your date feel like that is all you want to talk about—it puts a lot of pressure on your date to put on a feminist show. You can read the room and figure out for yourself if he’s a feminist. Bringing it up and asking if he is supportive is as unnatural as saying, “I’m a nice person. Are you a nice person? Prove it.”
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Use feminist-only dating sites
If you’re serious about dating a feminist, there are feminist-only dating sites available. Whether or not you should use them is debatable.
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Is that all you are about?
Just know that dating sites with a theme or requirement usually attract people who only talk about that theme, all of the time. They live it constantly. Are you ready to date someone who won’t buy a chocolate bar before looking into the company history and confirming they’ve never had any sexism-related lawsuits?
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Sometimes, it’s not about gender
If a man wants to pay, it might not be because he’s a man and you’re a woman. It might be because the date was his idea—he feels like if he dragged you out of your house, where the food was free(ish) to a restaurant, he should at least pay. If you push on the issue of paying for yourself, you might just come off as incapable of accepting a kind act.
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Do you like homework?
Regardless of the subject matter, do you like getting homework from your dates? Everybody is limited on free time. You know how annoying it is when somebody simply sends you a 5 minute video to watch during your work day. How would you like it if you felt you needed to read an entire book by next week to impress your date?
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Cover up
Showing off your curves promotes the idea that you’re just an object, right? Putting a lot of time into your hair and makeup suggests it’s a woman’s job to look good, right?
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What if you like those things?
If you’re happy with your body and you enjoy wearing curve-hugging clothes, you should do that! You should do what makes you happy. Covering up to conform to what you believe are feminist ideals won’t make you look feminist; it will make you look unhappy in your skin. It’s so obvious to people when someone feels happy and free in what they’re wearing, and when they feel constricted. Wear what feels good.
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Call out anti-feminism when you see it
If you’re on a date, and someone at the table next to you says something misogynistic, you should pick an argument with him, right?
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There’s a time and place for everything
How do you think a politician’s spouse would feel if, every time they were having a romantic dinner (something they barely have time to do) he picked a political debate with another customer just because the opportunity arose? Passing up a feminist debate doesn’t mean you’re not a feminist; it just means that there are a lot of things, people and causes who require your attention. Right now, that person is your date. You’re at this restaurant to see if you’re compatible with somebody, not to fight for a cause. Life is about balance. Any interest or passion can become destructive if it interrupts your ability to lead a happy life.
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Be assertive about communication
Ask him out because you feel like it, as many times as you feel like it. Text him when you feel like it. Ask him how he thinks this is going, because you shouldn’t have to wait around like a damsel in distress wondering if the feelings are requited. Some may say that’s the feminist way.
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How would you like that?
Communication isn’t all about getting the answers you want. You should also care if you’re making the other person uncomfortable. Demanding answers on how he thinks this is going, and calling incessantly doesn’t read as, “I know what I deserve!” It reads as, “I don’t care how I make other people feel.”
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Take everything with a grain of salt
No dating advice is useful to you if it doesn’t feel natural or good to you. Your beliefs and passions might not always align perfectly with your natural disposition and personality. When it comes to dating as a feminist, don’t feel pressure to please any group or individual. The only person who should matter is you and your date.
