15 Mixed Signals Women Give About Valentine’s Day

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Men, I feel for you when Valentine’s Day rolls around. Women want something very complicated on this…(big?)…day. Women want to feel cherished, but they don’t want you to think that they care if you make them feel cherished. They want an excuse to put on their adorable dress (that they totally bought two weeks before V-Day just for V-Day) but they don’t want you to think fancy restaurants matter to them. They probably want you to take a little extra time during foreplay later, too, but they want to feel like you wanted that. I’m getting a headache explaining this so I’m sure you’re getting a headache reading it. So we’ll just cut to the chase: here are eight mixed signals women say on Valentine’s Day and how to navigate them.

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I don’t want jewelry

She says she doesn’t want jewelry but, she wears jewelry all of the time. In fact, some of her most prized pieces that she wears daily were given to her as gifts. Clearly, jewelry presents don’t just go back to the store or in some box under the bed.

She doesn’t want gaudy jewelry

It’s too easy to phone it in with jewelry. Diamonds, pearls, gold…these look good on anyone. But she doesn’t want you to buy her something that would look good on anyone. And she’s probably uncomfortable accepting something that pricey from you. If you can find a necklace with an owl on it because that’s her favorite animal or a bracelet with your nickname for her engraved on it, that is jewelry she’d like.

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Don’t give me chocolate

She tells you not to give her chocolates as if she’s demanding you not give her the flu. I mean it, she says. I don’t even LIKE chocolate, she says. So then how come the center divider in her car is stuffed with empty Snickers wrappers?

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She doesn’t want the calories

She likes chocolate. She has taste buds, after all. What she doesn’t like is a big, thirty-piece box sitting in the house for weeks, taunting her to put on two pant sizes. Go to a small gourmet shop, where each piece is handmade and probably a little pricey, and pick out four or five pieces you know she’ll love. Now she gets her chocolate, but she doesn’t have it calling her name for weeks.

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We don’t need to go somewhere fancy

She reads food and restaurant blogs and gasps over write-ups on five-course dinners and champagne sangria brunches. She drools over Food Network shows about five-star restaurants. But she doesn’t want to go anywhere fancy?

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She doesn’t want to break your bank

She might admire those places, but she wouldn’t feel good having you shell out $300 on dinner. She knows that’s absurd. But that doesn’t mean she wants to go to Del Taco for V-Day. Take her somewhere significant to the two of you—like where you first met—or find a medium price range place with charm and ambiance.

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Don’t make a whole thing of it

She’s been watching you like a hawk for months. If she sees you writing a card, she says, “That better not be for me!” If she sees a credit card receipt for flowers, she says, “Those must be for somebody else because I don’t want you to make a whole thing of Valentine’s Day.” That being said, you got in a lot of trouble for not making a whole thing of her birthday.

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Make at least something of it

Her birthday was her birthday and just hers, so that required a whole thing. You share Valentine’s Day with billions of people around the world, so you don’t need to go as big. But something like her favorite type of muffin with a small daisy in the center of it will go a long way. If you had to leave early, a heart-shaped omelet waiting in the kitchen for her would do, too.

It’s just like any other day

Last Valentine’s Day, you called her several times during the day, “Because it’s Valentine’s Day and you should talk to the person you love a lot”—that’s what you said. You gave her ga-ga looks when she was just brushing her teeth at night. You offered her a back rub. She rolled her eyes and said, “It’s just like any other day!” You think this is a trap.

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It is a trap

She wants you to treat it like it’s more than any other day, and she wants to insist it’s “Just like any other day.” She wants to get to be the one who doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day while still reaping the benefits of Valentine’s Day. Just go with it.

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Don’t go out of your way

She will insist that she only wants champagne, “If you were going to stop at the store after work anyways.” She insists she doesn’t want you to get off work early so you two can have V-day dinner—that you should stay as long as they need you, and if you get to have dinner, great.

Go out of your way a little

Don’t even ask her if you should get champagne or if you should tell your boss you need to be out by 6 pm because you have reservations. Just do these things, tell her after the fact that they’ve been done, and tell her there isn’t a thing she can do to stop you. You make the extra stop for champagne on V-Day. You do go out of your way.

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We can just stay in

She says she just wants to eat pizza in her sweatpants and watch Netflix. She says, “Why spend money and wait at a crowded restaurant when we have perfectly good leftovers and HBO Go here?”

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Fine, but make it special

She might actually want to stay in, but she doesn’t want to eat pizza and watch Netflix. Buy something simple that you two can make, but that feels special. Two filet mignons, baked potatoes and a piece of cake to share will do. Watch the movie you watched on your first date together. Stay in, but don’t do it like you usually do.

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We don’t need to have sex

If you’ve been together for a while then you know how it can be; somebody has to get up early, somebody feels bloated, somebody has a lot on their mind, and nobody is having sex. She might say that’s fine—that you don’t need to have sex just because it’s Valentine’s Day.

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Yes you do

You do. You really do. If you don’t, she’ll wake up a little bit resentful of you. It’s not that having sex on Valentine’s Day is that special; it’s that waking up the next day and saying, “We didn’t have sex on Valentine’s Day” sounds really sad. So pop a Peptobismol and do that thing.