What she thinks when you want back door action

If you’re a man in a relationship trying to find the right way to ask your partner for some back door action and dreading her response, you should know these thoughts go through (almost) every woman’s head when you bring it up.

He’ll regret this

He thinks he wants this but then he won’t know what he’s doing, and he won’t enjoy it nearly enough for it to be worth the awkwardness.

I bet his friend is behind this

His gross friend who sleeps with different women every night, has threesomes, goes to swingers parties and makes amateur porn — he must have put him up to this.

He’s a jerk

He knows that’s not going to be comfortable for me. How could he ask me to do something that would be uncomfortable for me? Jerk!

What else isn’t he asking for?

If he wants this, what else does he want that he doesn’t ask for? Is he overall unsatisfied with our sex life?

Is he secretly a freak?

Will this open Pandora’s box? Today it’s backdoor stuff, tomorrow it’s threesomes with other men.

I should’ve been the one to bring this up

Okay, I’m secretly curious but I kind of feel like he’s not allowed to ask for this—I should have been the one to bring it up.

It won’t be the norm

He better not think that if we do this once that it’s the new norm. It is not. This is, like, a birthday thing.

Wait: whose back door?

I shouldn’t presume it’s mine! Maybe it’s his…

Oh. So it is mine.

Typical. And now he’s freaking out that I suggested that maybe it was him we were talking about. If it’s apparently so scary, then how could he suggest I’d be up for it?

Bathroom stuff will be bad

I just know I’ll have a hard time going to the bathroom for a week after. What? We have to talk logistics here!

I’ll need to be drunk

I’ll need to be really drunk…and fully lubricated for this

I’m not touching him after

Why would I put my hands on his member when it’s been up there? Nuh-uh. Everybody needs to take several showers, first.

He better not tell his friends

If he brags to his friends about this, he is never getting it again. He may never get any action again.

Now it’s weird if I say no

If I say no, then every time we have sex, I’ll be wondering if vaginal sex just isn’t good enough for him.

There has to be so much foreplay

He better do everything to me that I want before I let this happen.