Scary thoughts we have after unprotected sex

Just after having unprotected sex with somebody, a million thoughts run through your head. You assume the worst. You try to bargain with the devil. You tell yourself you’re being crazy. You tell yourself you were crazy to do that. Here are just some of the scary thoughts we all have after unprotected sex.

It’s okay—everybody makes mistakes

Tanya said she had unprotected sex with a guy in Cabo last month and she is fine. My friends in college made this mistake all of the time and they’re all alive and well. I’m not a bad person! Everybody makes mistakes!

Yeah, but it only takes one mistake!

Okay okay. Whether or not I’m a bad person doesn’t change the fact that unprotected sex is not safe. It only takes one mistake to change everything. What does it matter what Cindy did in Cabo. This is what I did.

He looked clean…

He had a fresh haircut. His apartment was clean. He’s probably clean down there too.

Was that a weird bump?

Although…did I see a weird bump when I went down on him? Or like, a lesion? Oh my God did he have a LESION!?

There was funny medication in his bathroom…

There was one very serious looking medicine in his bathroom. What was it called again? Isn’t that the name of an STD medication?!

Ugh. I don’t have time to get tested!

This is so inconvenient. I have a million meetings this week. I only have, like, an hour of free time and I was hoping to catch up on True Detective.

My health should come first…

Listen to me talking about True Detective when I could be dying! I’m cancelling everything and calling my doctor right now.

Have I lived a happy life?

If I do have a serious STD, have I lived a happy life? Are there things I wish I’d done differently? What would I do if I only had a few months to live?

Maybe it’s just one of the curable ones

I’m overreacting. It’s probably a totally curable STD if any. Like herpes … oh wait.

There are dating sites for people with Herpes, right?

Well, that’s fine. I’ll just have to date somebody else with herpes. There are dating sites for that, right? On no. We’ll have to tell our children we met on a herpes dating site.

Now I probably can’t have children

What am I talking about? I can’t even have children if I have an STD! The kid will get it!

Nobody will ever date me again

Actually, I could get a cesarian. Problem solved. But…I’ll still have to only be with people with herpes. Or whatever STD this guy gave me.

Maybe I could just marry him

I guess I’m just bound to that guy for life now. Maybe he is, like, husband material?

I swear it itches down there now

It definitely, most certainly, without a doubt itches and burns down there now. It’s not in my head.