Being Mary Jane: Dating Lessons We Learned

Many Times Improper Vetting Is A Result of A Displacement of Feelings

The truth is that Sheldon was nothing more than a glorified rebound. After things didn’t work out with Andre she went right back to the former love of her life, David. When things didn’t seem to be working out once again between David and Mary Jane, she met Sheldon and things began to take off just for it to be a dud.

Mary Jane was still stuck in a place of familiarity. She knew David so well that even if they weren’t in a relationship, they were (this happens a lot). While there may have been some sense of closure after a breakup, there are still lingering feelings that take time before fading away.

Yes, they usually don’t fully wane into obscurity until someone else comes along; but one wants to make sure that what they aren’t carrying old feelings into something new. Applied knowledge is everything; but you can’t do so unless one knows the lesson they were meant to learn in the first place.

Don’t Be Afraid To Ask Questions

I have been told by women that I have dated that I ask a lot of questions. Yes and I make no bones about it. You name it and I’ll probably ask. I place a high premium on deductive reasoning so I don’t like to make assumptions about anyone. As opposed to making things seem like a job interview, I will casually ask questions because even then my intentions are harmless.

Good, Bad, Or Indifferent The Past Is Important

Yes, maintaining an heir of mystery is essential. However, getting to know about one’s previous relationships gives context. For the most part, the point of dating is to see if two individuals are a good fit to eventually merge lives. Many people find it uncomfortable to divulge in details but they are often very important.

As a man, I want to know everything. I want to know names of exes, things that have happened, and why they fell apart. What if I want to have a child and I want to honor a family member whose name happened to be that of an ex who violated you? If we are physically intimate I don’t want to touch someone in a way that once made them uncomfortable and bring back a Vietnam Flashback. What if I love a favorite television show or something and they used to date the celebrity? I can’t know where to take you if I don’t know where you’ve been.

Don’t Make Assumptions

I’m going to shoot my shot and say that Mary Jane made assumptions about Sheldon. When she asked him ‘how did he not know she wanted children because of the freezing eggs story’ he answered ‘he thought that was just for television.’ Made perfect sense to me. Unless she blatantly said “I want to have kids” everything is left to interpretation. You know the old saying about making assumptions: you can wind up being those first three letters.

It Isn’t What Is Always Said…

Going back to the reason I ask so many questions. The reason that I do so isn’t just to find out the answer, 93% of communication is non-verbal so literally the words coming out of one’s mouth is almost statistically insignificant; 55% is body language and 38% is tone.

I’m asking questions to see how one responds. Can they think on their toes? What facial expressions are they making to see if they’re being honest? Are their answers consistent?

Essentially, what I am doing is reading body language and tone to see how much they match up with one’s words. When done well, one can extrapolate these moments into extreme circumstances and see how this person would respond in adverse times. I personally run the gamut of possibilities and circumstances; then narrow things down based on probability, how one would react, and what their own behavior has demonstrated.

You Attract Who You Currently Are

We are creatures of habit. Mary Jane attracts non-committals because she has a phobia of commitment. Sheldon was nothing more than a mirror image of herself. Career first, distant, brutally honest, and stubborn. If we tend to draw in and date the same kind of people repeatedly one must ask themselves what is it about us that keeps bringing this along.

Case and point: these days all I tend to attract are spoiled daddy’s girls (in a good way…they’re dad is their superhero). It makes perfect sense because I am raising a daughter that I am the same way towards. I have been called “dad” facetiously-or in some capacity-so many times within the last three years it makes me laugh.

You Can’t Make Someone Fit Into You Paradigm

This happens way too often. We think we can change people and mold them into what we want. To some extent we do change-or evolve-and wind up shifting our paradigms for the sake of the relationship. That is the compromise that exists in every healthy relationship.

I think one of the largest problems with dating and relationships these days is that since there are so many options we are looking for our own personal unicorns. Someone who fits all of our requirements and into what we want without us having to do much evolving. Sheldon and Mary Jane both wanted each other to do things their way.

When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them

Sheldon screamed non-committal. As much as he shrouded himself in mystery it made perfect sense for him to not want cohabitation. He was an age in I like to call “too old to be young and to young to be old,” so he’s pretty stuck in his ways. The dating younger women and refusing to finish (What part of the game is that?!) are all telltale signs of someone who isn’t looking to get married and have children. Settle down? Possibly. But the writing had been on the wall from day one, Mary Jane just didn’t want to see it.

This happens often. We see the signs of things and ignore them. When we first met Mary Jane she was seeing Andre; but he always stayed at her place. DEAD GIVEAWAY. Not until after she found out that he was married did things begin to make sense.

Whether it’s asking uncomfortable questions or realizing communication is so much more than what is said, remember longevity lies in a solid foundation and you won’t get there skirting around issues that matter most.