Dear Very Smart Brotha,
I am a 30 year old woman with two jobs, a marketing degree, my own place and vehicle and most importantly no kids and I am single! Why I have no clue why I’m single and its making me sick. I tend to go towards men that are inaccessible. Meaning, they don’t have time to spend, they don’t have time to build anything etc. Now in reading that list of top 10 things that can keep me single, I can safely say that I have none of those traits.
In a nut shell here is how it goes. I meet a guy, we may go out on a couple dates, have a couple of phone conversations and then it will get physical. Sex will be great, the convos get better, spend some more time and then all of a sudden, everything will goes to Shyte. I have had several men tell me they loved me or were falling in love and then turn around and basically spit in my face. Am I a professional jump off and didn’t know about that? I try to notice the signs and open the lines of communication as often as possible. I play my position as to not seem to needy and clingy and still nothing. What am I doing wrong? Am I just destined to be alone and have a lifetime supply of AA batteries? What do I have to do for a man to want to be with me?
-Confused in Charlotte
Dear Confused in Charlotte,
Ah yes. The curious case of the profoundly successful and perpetually single black woman. I can even imagine the intro to the Nightline profile they’d have about you.
***Voice of somber sounding white man***
“30 year old Advertising guru “Confused in Charlotte” seems to be living the American dream. With a marketing degree, a downtown condo, and a head game better than Roxy Reynolds, she is what rapper ‘Drake’ would call, “Fancy Huh.” But, despite the fact that her hair is done, her nails are done, and everything is big — including her a$$ — Confused couldn’t find a man to save her life”
Although I don’t know a ton about you, we can go a long ways to solving your “problem” by just looking at your question. You said yourself that you tend to go after men who are inaccessible and unavailable. And, when they do finally find time in their impossibly busy schedules to take you to the Waffle House, you’re pumped and dumped and nexted.
First, I need to let you know that there’s no such thing as a too busy man. Wait, let me rephrase that. There’s no such thing as a too busy man…if that man is truly into you. Trust me, a guy could be scheduled to attend three jobs, a wake, a bar mitzvah, and appear on The Wheel of Fortune all on the same night, but if he’s truly digging you, he’ll find a way, any way, to find some time for you.
Anyway, your main issue seems to be that you’re getting close-bused. The “close-bus” is the male version of the “friend’s zone” – a phenomenon where guys use certain women as relationship place holders until they’ve either grown tired of them or just found someone “better.”
Lucky for you, there’s an easy way to ensure you’ll never be close-bused again. All you have to do is stop making yourself sexually and emotionally available to unavailable men. Ain’t no use in “playing your position” if that position keeps getting dogShyte on your blouse. Plus, that Shytety smell is scaring away any potential Prince Charmings.
Sincerely,
Damon Young (aka The Champ)
Dear Very Smart Brotha,
I’m really confused and I have no real answer of how to come out of this. I am a 26 year old single mother of two and I am in love with my ex. It took years of me being in and out of different relationships to realize that he was the one who got away. Through the years we’ve always have kept in touch, even when we both are in serious relationships. I realize now that he is truly my first and only love.
The man I speak of is a father of two himself and currently in a relationship. We have built a relationship on trust and unconditional love which we both have for the other. Aside from a phiycial relationship we have a pretty good friendship and I’m confused because in my mind I expect him to leave his girlfriend and be with me, even though he has never led me to believe that anything like this would happen. It hurts a little to see him happy with someone when he tells me that he loves me. I know I am being a little naive about this whole situation but really you can’t help who you love.
As of now we keep in contact peoriodaclly because I don’t want any deeper feelings getting involved i.e. MINE! What I would like to know is if I should break all ties with him and keep things platonic which would be hard or ride the wave and see where it goes. He really is a sweet guy and any girl would be lucky to have him. I just wish it would be me in the end.
-Crazy In Love
Dear Crazy in Love,
Because the answer to your question is so obvious — You NEED to delete his number, forget his address, lose his business cards, defriend him on Facebook, unfollow him on Twitter, and remove yourself from under his nutsack forever!!!!!!! — I’d like to address the fact that this statement — “You cant help who you love.” – is a Fawking lie.
While you don’t have much control over who you’re physically attracted to, falling and staying in love is a conscious choice. We – not cupid or circumstance or Frankie Lymon – make overselves to fall in love, and we’re the ones who make the decision to stay there. Basically, you’re in love with him because, despite what you might say, a part of you desperately wants to be in love with him, and this thread of misplaced and self-defeating hope is keeping you from moving on. The moment you decide that there’s no chance of a future between you and no willingness to pursue that possibility, you’ll “miraculously” fall out of love. Until you make that decision, you’ll continue writing to Madame Noire to ask questions that you already know the answers to. Basically, you’ll continue being Fawking crazy, and I think it’s about time for you to experiment with some sanity. I’m sure your kids will appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Damon Young (aka The Champ)
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com
Want relationship advice from a Very Smart Brotha? Submit questions to editors@madamenoire.com. Put “Ask a Very Smart Brotha” in the subject line. Check the site every Wednesday to see if your question was selected!
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