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This morning I woke up, took a few minutes to remember what I did last night, and went, “Oh GOD…I did that?!” I wasn’t drunk. I was on my period. But my hormones sent me into a sort of blackout. And they might do that to you, too. But what can you do but have a sense of humor about it? Here are some ways being on your period is like being intoxicated.
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You make a lot of phone calls
When you’re on your period, you just want to vent, call your mom, sister or boyfriend and tell them every minute detail of the day. You swear it’s a big deal at the time. This type of behavior reminds me of drunk dialing.
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You also make odd purchases
This pink couch was a great idea–when I was on my period.
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You get mad about everything
It’s incredibly easy to set a woman off when she is on her period–or gone off that Grey Goose. The hormones, like the alcohol, can make you act a fool.
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And you’re certain you’re correct
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Oh and there is NO reasoning with us. Anything you do besides grovel and say you’re terribly wrong and that WE are right…will just get you into more trouble.
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Sad movies are a terrible idea
Drunk or on our cycle, we will go into an hour-long sob fest if we watch something sad. And then we’ll start calling people to apologize for things that happened years ago.
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You become an extreme feminist
Whether I’m on my period, or I’m drunk, if I see a guy being even the slight bit chauvinistic, I’ll unleash hell on him.
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You crave anything fried
Drive-thrus see me most at 2 a.m. on the weekends…or really any time of the day around the same time every month.
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And you crave anything with dairy
I want it because I feel like a big dairy-producing, pre-nursing COW! So dairy makes sense.
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You shouldn’t be on the road
Of course, you shouldn’t be on the road when you’re drunk, but I also shouldn’t drive when when I’m on my period. I just can’t focus. When my hormones take over, it’s not a pretty sight.
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You don’t want to wear a bra
No way. NO WAY. Bras can burn when I’m drunk and when I’m on my period. And yes, I’m going to announce to everyone that I refuse to wear a bra as if somebody was trying to force me to wear one.
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And you could do without shoes as well
The moment I become slightly tipsy or start battling cramps, I just want to be free. Shoes feel like traps for my feet. I’m not putting them on. That cab is coming to pick me up at my table inside the restaurant, thank you very much.
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…Or pants
Pants are just traps for my stomach. They exist to make me feel fat. Drunk or menstrual, pants—like bras—can burn. All loose dresses for me, thank you!
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You’re incredibly horny
When I want to have sex drunk or during my cycle, I feel like I need to have it RIGHT NOW. My boyfriend needs to stop whatever he is doing and make it happen.
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You’re incredibly sleepy
I will not get up to do one more thing. Instead, I demand my boyfriend turn off that last light and check that the oven is off. And I’ll demand it all with my eyes closed while speaking gibberish.
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The next day, you’re ashamed
And finally, I wake up the day after an evening of heavy PMSing, or from a drunken bender and feel bad about my behavior…Oh well.
