I’m sure you’ve heard it before, “Before you can truly love someone else, you have to truly love yourself.” It makes sense and it sounds great, but what does “loving yourself” actually mean and does it have a big impact on the success of your relationship?
Here’s my take: In order to love yourself, you have to know yourself and many women don’t take the time to understand themselves and learn how to live with themselves without the support of anyone else.
When you can successfully know yourself to love yourself, then you’ll understand exactly what you need to give and need from a relationship in order for it to work.
When I say learning to love yourself without anyone’s support, I don’t mean financial support. I mean emotional support. It’s one thing to have someone to vent to about a horrible day at work or looking forward to telling all of your friends that you made the dean’s list, but have you ever taken the time to question if you’re able to be alone and still be happy?
It means being able to enjoy your own company; engaging and participating in activities because YOU are interested in them and knowing you’re worth even when not a single soul on Earth does. For example, do you always have to be surrounded by friends or family to have fun? Do you motivate yourself to pursue your passions and express yourself in the way you see fit even if others disapprove or don’t understand? Exercising your independence can actually make you a better partner in a relationship. By knowing what you want from life in general, you can better choose a relationship that compliments your lifestyle. By building your own confidence, you can clearly see what you have to offer in a relationship and exactly what you deserve in return.
When a woman has a low self-esteem, she often doesn’t take the time to consider carefully what she wants from a relationship. She can become so obsessed with being able to say, “I have a man,” that she doesn’t truly assess what she wants in that man. Instead of determining what she wants from a relationship, she lets the relationship determine what she wants. For example, in passing I come across a lot of women who feel the need to sacrifice what they want in a relationship in order to keep that relationship. A good relationship requires compromise, not sacrifice. Compromise involves the cooperation of both people to meet in the middle. Sacrifice implies only one person gaining and the other person losing. For example in an effort to be the “cool” girlfriend, many women allow men to walk right over them. If you’re not being honest with yourself, no way in hell can you be honest with your man. If you like a little romance, say so. You want him to call at least once a day to touch base, speak up. You shouldn’t have to give up the things that make you happy and secure in a relationship to make things easier for him.
Men can also easily sense desperation. If having a man is the main goal in your life, your actions will tell on you even if you try your hardest to not convey so. When a woman alters her whole life to accommodate a man she has just met, it gives him the most power within the relationship, because he knows that he can live his life as he pleases and you will adjust yours to convenience him. When you’re falling in love it can make you feel like you want to give that person the world, but be careful and practice discipline so that your feelings come across as affection and not obsession. How you handle yourself in the early stages of the relationship sets the tone for the whole relationship.
In no way am I against relationships, I just believe that not every woman needs one all of the time to feel whole or happy. When you take responsibility for how you feel about yourself, your high self-esteem becomes something that no one else can take away from you. It requires some deep introspection and honesty which can be difficult for some women, but a few of these pointers can help you get started:
1. Your relationship doesn’t have to be the number one priority in your life.
It is my opinion that unless marriage is in the future, you shouldn’t have to base every single decision in your life on how it will help or harm your relationship. There’s more to life than having a man. Being in a healthy relationship enhances your life, but it should never make or break it.
2. Build a life plan involving career and pursuing your passions and THEN see how a relationship would fit in.
I recently caught up with a friend who was completely engulfed in a serious relationship that didn’t work out. Without a relationship occupying his every thought and emotion, he began to realize all of the things like his education and time with friends he had placed on hold while he was trying to make a relationship work. Give yourself some credit: you are strong and have great abilities to multi-task. If your relationship (or the pursuit of one) is draining the energy from other important areas of your life, then it may not be worth having. Relationships require hard work, but they aren’t all work and having one doesn’t mean your career and other interests have to suffer.
3. Regularly schedule “me” time.
In a world where social networks have grown increasingly more popular, many people don’t feel validated unless they receive a “Like” or “Comment” for every behavior or thought they have. Take some time every now and then to entertain yourself without the help of anyone else. This means no Facebook, Twitter or cell phone. Visit a museum alone or go solo to that restaurant that sparked your interest even though all your girls thought it looked sub par. Write, paint or read a novel; just get some practice enjoying your own company.
4. Celebrate yourself.
It’s OK to be utterly narcissistic every once in a while. You’re a kick A$$ chica and no one should be able to tell you any differently. Pick out something physical to be proud of like your killer legs or maybe you have a talent at making the best shepherd’s pie. You’re completely awesome because you say so.
5. Practice daily affirmations.
“Today is the first day of the rest of my life.” I know it sounds cheesy, but sometimes you are the best person to give yourself a pep talk. I believe in speaking your dreams into existence, and physically hearing your dreams fulfilled makes them that more realistic.
