Paper Thin: Why The “White Women Are Winning” Argument Is A Losing One

Readers, there are many ways to approach black female audiences about love and relationships without telling them that they are essentially a group of unlovable Beyotches who would do best to ‘act like white girls’ in hopes of somehow being good enough for the almighty black man, who is required to do very little aside from waking up alive and outside of a prison in order to be worthy of love.

From Williams’ piece:

“Whether or not (most likely not) they will admit to it, black women generally struggle with admitting to falling short in areas that have proven to be strengths in other groups of women.  White women, in particular, marry in far greater percentages than black women; and, more and more of them are marrying black men. Thus, black women who want to get married need to understand that they have to step up their game. Statistics and unbiased observation show that, when it comes to the wives club white women make up the Winners’ Circle…”

Wow. Let’s start with the first statement; what exactly are the strengths that we have been “proven” to lack? Is getting married a “strength”? Has Williams interpreted these statistics to mean “the good women get married and the other ones don’t”? You can’t talk about marriage rates without looking at the fact that Black women vastly outnumber black men, nor without considering incarceration rates and educational disparities. The most cursory glance at these CDC statistics in tandem with an examination of population rates should make it very clear that black women aren’t failing to get to the altar simply because no one wants us there. So while anyone of any background who wants to be an appealing candidate for a happy and healthy relationship should “step their game up”, the suggestion that sisters alone need to focus on this is laughable. Ask the many unmarried white women out there, particularly those who are included in the astronomical American divorce rate.

The rest of the piece is a cross between gross generalizations (“unlike many black women, white women don’t turn their noses up at catering to their men”, “…black femininity sometimes resembles overly emotional masculinity—brash but too sensitive to accept any type of criticism”, “White women can recklessly fire off without repercussions. You cannot—not if you plan on getting married”… girl, what?) and bad advice (“A submissive woman is far from weak. Men are successful because of the supportive, inspirational, encouraging women in their lives. Don’t be afraid to give him center stage; your shine is your shine. Let him be the protector; let him be the provider; let him be all that he has been ordained to be…follow your dreams and don’t worry about using the money you earn to pay bills”…seriously, WHAT?) Williams is giving me flashbacks of Shahrazad Ali; I’m just waiting for her to tell us that an open-handed slap from our men is necessary from time to time.

Let there be no confusion: I am not a “bitter” single woman. I am someone who has always wanted to be married and who is in a happy, healthy, serious relationship. While I understand that the numbers weren’t skewed in my favor and that love can be elusive for sisters, I never felt like I had to consistently worry over what white women were doing ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ to find a man. I was myself when I met him and I am myself with him. I don’t submit to him, nor to any of the restrictive suggestions that Williams put forward for Black women here. I am loving and supportive of my man and I receive the same in return.

It’s unfortunate that abBlack woman has internalized such a myopic and bitter view about her own sisters; it’s also disheartening to know that women who are looking for some sort of support on their own path to find mates will fall for such reckless misspeak. While there are nasty sisters out there, there are nasty white women as well; no one ethnic group is defined by having superior contenders for the position of spouse. Furthermore, while Williams’ choice to take a jab at those sisters who have decided to stay single (or to remain peaceful about their status until they find love), those women do exist. Marriage is not the end goal for all human beings and for those who do want it, there is no reason to take such abuse presented as “advice” in order to win the “race” to the altar.