15 Ways To Pretend To Be Good In Bed

Let’s be honest: it’s pretty difficult to be bad at sex. It is sex after all—our bodies were built to like it at the most basic level. But, if you’re concerned with being “good at sex” (whatever that means) here’s how to fake it. From what we’ve gathered from adult films and titles of men’s lifestyle articles, if you do these things, you’ll look kinky/adventurous/etc. So here’s a somewhat facetious guide on how to pretend to be good  in bed. Seriously, don’t take this too seriously.

Use ice

We’re not exactly sure where, just use it. The main photo of any sexy article is usually a mouth with an ice cube in it so just bring the whole ice tray in the bedroom and figure it out.

Take off clothes with your teeth

Even if it takes super, super long to get undressed. Even if he is wearing a button up shirt with 28 buttons. Using your hands to take off your partner’s clothes is, like, for the elderly.

Cover him in whipped cream

It doesn’t matter if dairy gives you indigestion. Suck it up (literally) because it’s not “good” sex unless someone’s turned into a human ice cream sundae.

Get into acrobatics

If you don’t have a leg over your head, twisted around your torso, and sticking out the window, you’re just boring.

Make sure he’s always behind you

Eye contact during sex is for nuns.

Switch positions at least 12 times

If anybody comes close to finishing, you’re doing something wrong. The goal isn’t orgasms, it’s endurance! (Er…um…yeah.)

Switch rooms at least 12 times

If you haven’t felt the cold kitchen tile (plus some breadcrumbs and olive oil spills left out) on your back during sex, you haven’t lived. Soft, bouncy, safe beds are for the weak!

Do back door stuff

It doesn’t matter if someone is uncomfortable or offended: what matters is that’s cool now.

Bring in a third person

And a fourth, and a fifth…two person sex is so cavemen. What are all those people doing in that bed you ask? It doesn’t matter. They could be reading bedtime stories, so long as they’re all there, you’re being adventurous.

Fling condoms everywhere

Use as many as necessary, and then more than that. And then more than that. It just looks impressive when there are 8 condoms lying around the room.

Use your teeth down there

Everybody seems to be talking about learning the proper way to get teeth involved when going down on a guy. So do that. No—we don’t know exactly what that means. No—nobody does. No—your guy is probably not happy about the sound of this. But, um, adult film stars do it…?

Put an adult film on and imitate it

Because sex is supposed to be more like a workout to an aerobics video than anything else. It doesn’t matter if what you were in the middle of felt good—the people on the TV are doing something else now so move along!

Buy flavored lotion

Because sex isn’t difficult enough with all those acrobatics you were doing: you should be slipping and sliding all over the place.

Always use a vibrator

Your own parts just won’t do anymore. Make sure there is always a vibrator or toy involved. Even if it’s just vibrating across the floor, confusing your dog.

Wear edible underwear

Mostly wear that underwear made out of candy because, for going down on you, your guy should be rewarded with a high dentist bill.