You may have heard of a little book called Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus. In the popular self-help book, relationship counselor John Gray focuses on the differences between men and women and provides some insight on the fact that women and men communicate and function differently in relationships. He proposes instead of constantly battling the urge to change one another we should accept our differences in order to develop healthy relationships.
Whether you loved, hated or even read the book, John Gray does a decent job of pointing out that miscommunication usually occurs when partners in a relationship say one thing, but it is interpreted incorrectly. “We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways…the ways we react and behave when we love someone,” he writes.
It actually boils down to biology at its basic level. Genders think and express themselves differently, partially because our brains are built differently. Women say about 25,000 words a day; men only say about half that amount. Women are naturally better communicators. We can articulate exactly what we’re feeling in order to convey a clear message. For example, if a woman is upset about the fact that her man was late, there is no hesitation in saying, “When you’re late it makes me feel like you have no respect for my feelings or priorities.” If a guy is upset because you were late, it may come out like, “It took you that long to do THAT to your hair?” We all know the inferno that follows that comment. Men better express themselves through action, they are natural showmen. Instead of apologizing for disrespecting the effort it actually took to make your chignon look effortless, he’ll send flowers or let you have the last Oreo that he’s craving.
Take a look at some quick tips that follow in the style of John Gray’s approach to understanding all of the simple misinterpretations that make our relationships unnecessarily complicated:
1. He says: “I don’t like to go out. How about we order in and watch a movie?”
You hear: “I’m shy and a bit anti-social, and maybe even cheap. Let’s stay in and cuddle.”
He means: “I can’t bone you in public; it’s easier if we just stay in my house…closer to the bed.”
Because honestly, would you really have sex with him if he flat-out told you that was the main goal of the night? (Well, maybe some of you would). Keep in mind that many guys are still getting used to the idea that females enjoy sex just as much as they do, and wouldn’t mind if they skipped all the manipulation and got straight to the point (In fact, I kind of respect that in a man). Also pay attention to how long you’ve been in the relationship: If it’s the third time you’re seeing him, it’s more likely he spitting more game than a sports announcer, but if it’s been some time, he may just legitimately want to make it a Netflix night.
2. He says: “Really, she’s like a sister to me. She doesn’t look at me like that.”
You hear: “This is my stand by sex-in-a-glass-case for when you start to act up.”
He means: “She’s hit on me in the past (or we’ve actually hooked up in the past), but I’m not into her anymore and don’t feel like getting nagged every time her name pops up on my phone.”
Even Beyoncé probably gets a flicker of green monster in her eyes when Jay is in the presence of a beautiful woman that he maintains a friendship with. Even the most confident woman who is secure in her relationship may feel that familiar dull twinge of jealousy when her guy is friends with an ex or childhood friend, and for some reason that twinge can turn into a sharp sting when said friend is attractive, successful and pleasant. While men will accommodate your feelings in some ways to avoid an argument with you, no man wants to feel like every time a good friend calls, you will unleash all of your insecurities upon him, especially if he isn’t misbehaving. For that reason, instead of giving you details they will avoid revealing anything that might make you think any attraction exists. Sometimes your imagination is what’s playing tricks on you, not your man.
3. He says: “I couldn’t get to your call because I was busy. Didn’t I say I would call you later anyway?”
You hear: “I had no intention of calling because I was too busy with all of my other chicks.”
He means: “If you call me more than five times in an hour, I will eventually stop answering your calls out of protest. You have got to have something else going for you besides me.”
Let’s be honest, the world is filled with plenty of unfaithful men, but they aren’t all liars, cheaters and whores. If you’re dating someone who is unfaithful, you are probably getting a lot more clues than a couple of missed calls. After talking to a man so many times in a 24-hour period, he may begin to wonder why you have nothing else going on. Many of our busy little lives are filled with work, family and plain old “me time”. If a missed call is your biggest worry in a relationship, you have a lot to be thankful for.
4. He says: “People make such a big deal out of titles. As long as we know what’s going on, I shouldn’t need to call you my girlfriend.”
You hear: “Titles make the relationship official and I have commitment issues.”
He means: “By not calling you my girlfriend, I have an excuse to use if you ever catch me with another girl.”
Actually, I kind of agree that most people place way too much emphasis on relationship titles, and don’t focus nearly enough on the characteristics associated with them, but that’s no excuse not to have them. Titles bring into play rules and boundaries and make people aware of their responsibilities. In my experience, men hesitate when using titles not out of fear out of commitment, but as leverage in case they are caught exploring other options.
5. He says: “Usher, 50 Cent, Trey Songz, or whatever personal fantasy applies, is so gay.”
You hear: “I’m jealous.”
He means: “I’m jealous.”
Men have insecurities too, and one of the things they fear most is getting their heart crushed by the girl they finally give their heart to. So whether it’s your in-the-flesh personal trainer who is packing or Trey Songz on the TV screen, it can be somewhat threatening to a man when your eyes wander. Of course he can’t say he’s jealous. Jealousy is a natural emotion that when handled in a healthy way is usually harmless. Try telling a guy that. To most men, jealousy is weak and insecure, so they’d rather cast doubt upon your fantasy’s sexuality instead.
6. He says: “We should swing by my parents’ place for Sunday dinner one day.”
You hear: “I’d like you to meet my family sometime in the future.”
He means: “If I’m even considering taking you to meet my mom, it’s pretty serious for me.”
This one can be tricky, some men would take a goat home to meet their mom if it was something new in their life that was pretty and had soft skin. Time is a major factor. If you get to meet his mom after a week or two, she probably met the last girl not too long before you. But if it’s been 6 months to a year, and he’s inviting you to family gatherings that will be attended by the important people in his life (parents, children and siblings) he may be thinking long-term. This doesn’t exactly work the same way in reference to his friends. Friends usually have lower expectations than family members do, and their approval may not mean as much as his family’s to him. Don’t assume just because you met Man-Man and Big D that you’re in there.
7. He says: “I just need a little space. Maybe we should take a break.”
You hear: “This space will precede my break-up with you. I’m just too scared of how you’ll react if I end things.” OR “I don’t want to be alone so I’ll keep you in close range until I can find someone better.”
He means: “I’m falling for you, but these emotions are rushing me at a faster pace than I can handle. I need some time to re-evaluate exactly what I’m getting into.”
While the need for breathing room could signal an impending break up, women sometimes falsely assume the worst. Men aren’t the greatest at deciphering emotions and feelings of attachment and affection can make them feel out of control and scared. When confronted with these emotions, their instinct is to quickly detach. They can be kind of obsessed with control, and falling in love is often something beyond control. They compartmentalize and organize their feelings and focus on issues one at a time. A woman’s instinct is to fix things. We like to multi-task and keep everyone close and connected. When we hear of problems our impulse is to find a solution. Unfortunately, men can interpret this as a lack of faith in their ability to handle things. Give him some space; it could be exactly what you need to become closer.
8. He says: “You’re great. You’re just like one of the homies.”
You hear: “This is the start of a great relationship. You know friends make the best lovers.”
He means: “You’re like one of the guys. You’re into sports, aren’t too prissy and burp and fart without worrying what I think. While you’re cool, those are also all of the reasons I don’t want to have sex with you.”
It can be refreshing for a man to see his woman keep it all the way real, occasionally. While I don’t recommend holding in every gas bubble until you explode to maintain an image, understand that a part of man’s attraction to you is the visual fantasy. Though they may complain about how long your hair or makeup takes to apply, they really do appreciate all the little details and extra special care you put into being a complete, superficial and at times high-maintenance girl. The important thing is not to fake it. If you know the difference between a running back and a quarterback and can drink the cast of Jersey Shore under the table, be the best homie-lover-friend you can be. Authenticity is always Hot.
9. He says: “My ex busted the windows out of my Mustang because she’s a crazy, insecure Beyotch.”
You hear: “My ex was clingy, insecure and always overreacting.”
He means: “My ex busted me banging her best friend right before she busted the windows out of my Mustang.”
His ex may have overdosed on the crazy juice, but if your man speaks of a majority of his ex’s in a negative light and viciously insults them, maybe the problem was him and not them. And congrats, what was once their problem is now yours. A man’s ego and pride take a bitter blow when he comes out of a relationship on the losing end, but a mature man can openly acknowledge the part he plays in the demise of a relationship. Proceed with caution with a man who is constantly placing the blame on someone else; if your relationship ever ends he’ll be describing you as the “crazy broad” to the next chick.
10. He says: “It’s not you, it’s me.”
You hear: “You’re way too good for me, and I’m intimidated by your awesomeness.”
He means: “It’s not me, it’s you.”
If a man has any type of soul, he’ll feel guilty about breaking up with you, especially if he feels as though he may have led you on. This familiar little phrase usually comes right after you start crying and demanding an explanation. Unless he’s a heartless sociopath, a man usually hates to see a woman cry. The truth is, when this phrase gets uttered it usually means the exact opposite, and that’s not always a bad thing. Your personalities might be stellar separate, but crash and burn when combined. A brave man will recognize this early and cut both of your losses. In this case it’s not you or him, it’s the circumstances.
While I will never think or speak like a man, I appreciate my father and all of the ex-boyfriends, crushes and cousins and who were honest enough to tell me exactly what they were thinking, straight with no chaser. If you truly listen to some of the men in your life, you may learn a thing or two. As long as you accept that the language of love is open to interpretation and understand men and women communicate differently, you’ll save your relationships a lot of stress and confusion.
Toya Sharee is a community health educator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee.
