7 Ways You’re Prolonging Your Own Heartache

Your friends will tell you that with each waking day after a breakup, the pain will get a little smaller. And they’re right…unless you’re doing these 7 things and basically prolonging your own heartache!

Seeing common acquaintances

You and your ex might have had common friends who, during the relationship, were huge comforts and joys to you. This might be a strange thing but, after the breakup, they won’t be comforts anymore. You’ll leave these friends feeling even more heartbroken. Their presence carries memories of your ex and even worse, they might talk about your ex—perhaps just on accident!

What to do instead

You just need to be honest with those friends and tell them you love them as people, but at least for a little while after this breakup, you need space away from them. You don’t want to associate them with pain but for now, being around them brings pain. You’d rather just see them again in the future when you can purely enjoy their company.

Going to your old stomping grounds

You two loved Indian food, and happy hour at this one bar, and Sunday morning bike rides on the beach. And you still love those things without him! Guess what…no you don’t. For a little while, places and activities that are totally great on their own will be tainted with heartache.

What to do instead

If you’re serious about healing, you’re going to have to go out of your way to avoid a lot of places and activities. This is a time to start cooking at home more if you and your ex always went out—maybe you can finally learn how to cook! It’s a time to start taking yoga classes if you and your ex were gym rats together.

Looking up old flings

Old flings can at first seem comforting during a heartbreak. They already care about you, that familiarity is there, and the sex is already pretty good. But the truth is, old flings are old for a reason: things didn’t work out! Before you know it, you’ll be dealing with one dramatic breakup in the middle of the initial breakup!

What to do instead

Just don’t date right now. Seriously, it will depress you. Be around people who love you and care about you and make you laugh. Be around your friends and family. You need to be able to be a mess, and not feel judged. You can’t do that on dates.

Having one night stands

Okay so old flings are out. What about new ones? Sounds fun and exciting, right?! Wrong! A one night stand is fun while the booze is still in your system but then, suddenly, you’re waking up to the realization that there is a totally strange face next to you when just weeks ago a loving, familiar face was there (in the form of your ex). This is a devastating experience.

What to do instead

Like I said…don’t date right now! Or have sex.

Communicating with your ex

This one should be obvious but in case you have a moment of weakness: do NOT communicate with your ex. No: you don’t need closure. You can figure out what went wrong on your own. And no: you don’t need to tell him all you’re grateful to him for. He can guess. Every tiny bit of communication throws you weeks behind in your healing.

What to do instead

Talk it out with your friends! Talk to them so much about it that their ears bleed! That’s what friends are there for: to help you put the pieces together and understand what went wrong, from a clear, unemotional perspective.

Taking “a break”

Please, for goodness sake, do not try to sort of “take back” the breakup by suggesting to your ex that this could just be a “break” and you can get back in touch in a month and see how you feel. This only prolongs inevitable pain, and gives you anxiety for that entire month.

What to do instead

Realize that “it’s called a breakup because it’s broken.” And it’s called a “break” for the same reason.

Over-scheduling yourself

You might be tempted to just not give yourself the time to be sad. You might schedule back-to-back drinks with friends and meetings and trips and night classes, hoping that if you stay busy enough, time will fly by and you’ll forget about the guy. But those feelings just wait to pounce when you’re feeling vulnerable, and they come up with full force if you’ve been running from them.

What to do instead

Let yourself be sad. Let yourself cry in bed for days. That’s healthy—that’s normal. Feeling pain is part of doing the work to feeling good again. You don’t get to feel good without feeling pain. And, it can kind of be a relief to allow yourself to fall apart for a little while.