“Spare the rod, spoil the child,” is the proverb that most parents turn to when justifying a form of discipline that is most likely heavily influenced by memories of their own upbringing. You were “whooped” when you were a child and you turned out alright, right? But in fact this quote isn’t completely correct. The truth is any success you’ve experienced as an adult has less to do with a rod to the rear than you think.
The old adage is actually an adaptation from King Solomon’s Book of Proverbs and states: “He that spareth his rod, hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (Proverbs 13:24)” When translated exactly, this means that if you choose not to use corporal punishment then you must hate your children, but if you love them then you should hit them, at least sometimes. The truth is that if there is anything that discipline is NOT about, it’s hate.
Effective discipline begins with a true understanding of the difference between punishment and discipline. Punishment is a negative consequence for inappropriate behavior. It’s often a first resort because it’s a quick and easy response to penalize improper conduct. It’s much easier and quicker to yell or slap a child that is playing in the street or acting out instead of sitting down and explaining why that behavior was wrong. Punishment paints the parent as a harsh dictator rather than as a respected authority. It’s important to assess why you’re disciplining your child. Is the occasional cuss out really teaching your child why the behavior is wrong, or is it simply cathartic for you? If your child isn’t the only one who ends up throwing a tantrum, the only thing you’re teaching is that concern is best expressed as anger. Children who are punished learn that the ones that love you the most are also the ones to hurt you and that violence is the first alternative when things don’t go as they should.
Healthy discipline deals with bad behavior by teaching the child why their behavior is unacceptable while also teaching them self-control. When a parent shows control over their emotions, it teaches the child that they are capable of doing the same. Healthy discipline teaches a child responsibility and accountability and includes the goal of teaching a child how to behave instead of making them suffer. It should be positive and emphasize what they should do instead of focusing on what they shouldn’t. Instead of telling your son not to keep the crayons from his little sister, explain to him the importance of sharing.
Consequences should be used as a guide to show the results of irresponsible or reckless behavior. For example, if a child continues to leave clothes around and not pick up after themselves, then maybe they shouldn’t be bought new clothes until they learn to care for what they already have, or maybe they should be rationed clothes. Discipline should help to build self-esteem that gives a child confidence to make better decisions in the future. When a child is judged or verbally berated, it can make them feel that they aren’t capable of ever behaving well.
Discipline is something that requires creativity. Just as a child’s personality differs individually, so does the type of discipline they respond to. Just because spanking works for your niece doesn’t mean it will work for your daughter. Discipline works best when it is memorable and incorporates a lesson.
If time outs are your go-to for teaching a lesson, keep in mind that they are only effective when they are free from distraction. The point of time out is to help the child focus on making connections between behavior and consequences; most adults can’t function if there is a TV blaring nearby, so for an agitated, excited child this can prove to be extremely difficult. It’s also important to leave the child alone to think; constantly taunting a child in time out defeats the purpose. Time out can also help calm a frustrated parent as well; by taking time to evaluate emotions, both parent and child can discuss behavior when adrenaline and anger aren’t at an all time high.
So what about that rod we spoke of earlier? If you ask most parents, nothing deters bad behavior better than a good ole’ butt whipping. While physically discouraging bad behavior may work some of the time, the truth is that when it is abused it begins to prove ineffective. Spanking works best as a short term fix for young children because it instantly teaches them to associate pain with things that can compromise their safety. If you want to teach your young child to not touch fire or stick objects in electrical sockets, then a quick slap to the hand will do that temporarily. Adversely, severe punishment can traumatize a child and teach them that the only thing compromising their safety is you. It can place a child in a position of constant fear, especially if they feel they lack the confidence to make good decisions. Scientific evidence shows that when children are raised in a constant state of fear, they spend most of their time in the limbic section of the brain which is responsible for emotion and the “fight-or-flee” response that deals with stress. This can lead to a hyper-sensitive and a highly alert child who spends less time in the cortex area of the brain which is responsible for learning and problem solving. When children fear for their safety they respond emotionally to external stimuli instead of rationally.
Balance is an important part of healthy discipline. Make sure that you are applauding the child’s good behavior as much as you chastise the bad. Research shows that the best way to get children to behave well is to recognize when they actually do so and encourage them to continue. Also, have a variety of options when it comes to teaching about rules and proper conduct. Don’t overdo any one type of discipline; anything can become unhealthy if it isn’t done in moderation. Follow through and consistency are extremely important. If you talk a good game, but fail to back it up it will only help your child improve their manipulation skills. This is especially important when it comes to co-parenting; both parents should have a meeting of the minds or children can learn to play one against the other.
So the next time you find yourself about to flip out because your child misbehaves, consider that discussion and understanding of consequences may have more to do with the success you are then the belts and butt whippings. To teach good choices you have to display that you are capable of making good choices. Discipline is a learned behavior with many cultural influences. Most of us discipline according to the way we were raised not because it works or is something we agree with, but because it is the only way we know how. It may take some trial and error; cut yourself some credit before cracking the whip.
