How To Know If Your Boyfriend Is A Narcissist

Unless you’re a psychologist, sometimes it can be hard to spot a narcissist. What’s worse is that narcissism—a condition that occurs most often in men—carries many traits that can at first appear charming. Is he cocky or just confident? Is he picky or does he just know what he wants? Is he bossy or does he just care for your wellbeing? Here are 7 signs of a narcissist that women often overlook in men.

Critiques very small things

Narcissists tend to have a sense of entitlement and consider anything that is below standards offensive to them personally. For this reason, they scan every person, place or situation very closely, and will often remark on flaws they find.

How to spot it in a partner

In a romantic partner, you might see this when you go to restaurants. Your partner might pick up the silverware the moment you sit down to examine its cleanliness, or he might scan the entire room for several minutes, from the floor to the ceiling. He might look the server up and down when he approaches, keeping a close eye on him to ensure he pays him the utmost respect. He might comment on things that don’t actually affect your meal at all—like the color of the walls or the uniforms of the staff—and dwell on them. In social situations, he might comment on how a friend of yours said goodbye too quickly, or wasn’t wearing the proper attire to the event.

Only has work-related friends

All events and gatherings your partner invites you to are work-related. If they aren’t people your partner directly works with, they are people whose social or professional circles your partner would like to break into. But he does not have friends that he keeps around purely because he enjoys their company.

How to spot this in a partner

Narcissists are often conscious of this flaw and will pretend to be much closer to these “connections” than they actually are. But ask your partner where he met or how he knows each person, and pay close attention to his answer. In most cases, a narcissist will be very brief in his answer like, “Church” or “Tennis.” If you pry further, your partner might become defensive or change the subject. But he will never have a story of how he has known that person since childhood or even college.

Only opens up to people of a certain “status”

Narcissists believe that only people of a certain status deserve their attention, or deserve to get to know them. They’ll be extremely sociable and charming in some settings, and suddenly be feeling “shy” or “tired” in others.

How to spot this in a partner

Pay attention to which of the events you invite your partner to that he actually goes to. A narcissist might purposefully avoid any events at “low-class” establishments, so he might not come to your friend’s birthday at a dive bar, or to a party at a house in a “bad neighborhood.” If he does agree to come along, you might notice he sticks to himself in situations with people who are not “upper class,” but at his own social gatherings is the life of the party.

Avoids emotional or dramatic situations

One of the trademark qualities of a narcissist is that he lacks empathy. He is either unable or simply unwilling to identify with other’s emotions, and for this reason often avoids any conversations of a personal nature. He’ll also step away when an emotional situation breaks out, like when someone begins crying at a party.

How to spot this in a partner

When you yourself are going through something emotionally trying and try to lean on your partner, does he sit with you and let you talk, cry and vent as long as you need? And does he encourage you to explore your own feelings more? Or, instead, does he try to find actionable, practical solutions to send those negative feelings away ASAP? Like suggest you two go out to dinner, or go shopping, or turn on the television, to get your minds off the matter? A narcissist only has practical, actionable solutions that he can or will offer and will avoid tackling an emotional issue head on.

Believes people are jealous of him

Narcissists have the idea that everyone pays attention to them and notes of their successes. They have a paranoia that everybody is jealous of them, and that that is the only reason anybody does just about anything to them.

How to spot this in a partner

If someone in the service industry is rude to your partner, does he laugh it off, or does he make some remark about that person’s level of education, or brand of clothing, or apparent social status? Does he perhaps plainly state, often, that he believes people are jealous of him? Perhaps the partner’s of your friends, or his own family members? Does he fail to consider that perhaps that individual is just having a bad day, and instead always takes their behavior personally?

Is angered by contrary view points

Since narcissists function on the idea that they are flawless—incapable of or unwilling to face their own flaws, quirks, faults etc.—when anybody disagrees with them, disproves their argument, or makes their point of view seem uneducated, narcissists will respond with great anger. Facing their own flaws terrifies them, so anyone who brings them close to that angers them.

How to spot this in a partner

Many narcissists are smart enough in romantic situations not to explode at someone in front of their partner. However, if someone does disagree with your partner, he might find some other reason why he’d rather not spend time around that person anymore. Since he knows it’s impossible to be around that person without exploding, his only other option is avoidance all together.

Asks you demeaning or inconvenient favors

Narcissists struggle with boundaries. They don’t see others as their own, separate entities but rather extensions of themselves. They just see other people as objects that can compliment, support or help them in some way. So a narcissist might ask a lot of favors of you that seem unreasonable.

How to spot this in a partner

A romantic partner might call you up often and ask you to do things he could easily do for himself—like pick up lunch or pick up his dry cleaning—and he’ll ask it in a manner as if it never even occurred to him you’d be busy, or wouldn’t want to do that. A narcissistic partner also won’t respond with much or any gratitude to large favors because he views those favors as the job of anyone in his life.