How To Manage Dating Someone With An STD - Page 5

Today, we know enough to understand it isn’t just reckless, irresponsible, ignorant individuals who pick up STD’s—we can all be at risk sometimes, even when we take precautions. Many STD’s can still be passed even when there is a condom present, and the most evil ones show no symptoms for a long time—if ever—leaving the carrier to believe he or she is perfectly clean.

It’s very likely that in your life you’ll date, fall in love with, or even marry someone with a permanent STD like HPV or Herpes. Here’s how to navigate it so that you can increase your chances of staying STD-free, and minimize your chances of offending your partner.

Thank him for being honest

First off, if you know your partner has an STD, odds are it’s because he told you. Thank him. Like—give him a BIG thank you. The majority of people don’t tell their partners they have an STD, either because they find it too embarrassing, or because they think they can control whether or not it’s transmitted with proper protection. Of course, that’s not fair to their STD-free partner. It shows a lot of moral integrity on your partner’s part for caring enough about your health to put his pride aside and tell you he has an STD.

Let him know you don’t think it’s terrible

Your partner probably fears that the moment he tells you he has an STD, he goes from being this perfect, shining object to a dirty, flawed one. Tell him you don’t think he’s stupid or irresponsible for contracting an STD. Tell him that you personally know a handful of other people who live with STD’s—perhaps even the same one he has—and you understand it can happen to even the most responsible of people.

Be prepared to initiate sex

We’ll get into the logistics of keeping safe sex with somebody with an STD in a moment, but just know that people with STD’s often feel insecure about initiating sex—as if they don’t deserve it. Your partner might be shy to initiate the first few times, or even the first few months, and that doesn’t mean he doesn’t totally want to. He just wants to feel 100% certain you’re comfortable with it.

Don’t assume you won’t catch it

Assuming that, with proper precautions, you’ll never catch this STD, would be to be in denial. And it will make the blow much harder if you do catch it. If you’re going to have sex with someone with an STD, you need to ask yourself realistically, “Is this an STD I could live with if I caught it?” Because if the answer is “Absolutely not” and you’re just banking on condoms and medication to keep the STD from transferring to you, you could experience devastating results.

Remember, he has to be comfortable with all acts too

Let’s say for example your partner has Herpes. You speak to your doctor and you decide, based on what your doctor says, that you are comfortable performing oral on your partner so long as he is not having a breakout. Don’t assume that you can just surprise your partner with oral next time you’re in the sack: for all you know, he might still be extremely worried about transmitting the disease to you—breakout or no breakout. You’re not the only one with fears in this situation. If you caught your partner’s STD, he would live with tremendous guilt.

If it’s an STD that comes and goes

If your partner does have an STD like Herpes, which only occasionally shows symptoms, and is very hard to transmit when symptoms are not present, just take precaution to always be aware of when your partner is having a breakout. When he is, definitely use a condom. If you want to be extra safe, just avoid sex during the breakouts.

Remember, STD’s can be transmitted many ways

Some STD’s, like Herpes, can be transmitted even if you don’t sexually interact with an infected person. Most viruses enter the body through broken skin. So if you were, for example, to touch a Herpes blister on your partner, and then touched your eye or touched a cut on your mouth without washing your hands, the virus could in theory transmit to you.

Don’t assume your partner will take medicine

Most medicine that is used to treat STD’s has side effects. These can range from anything like anxiety to digestive issues. Don’t assume that your partner will take medication for you, and don’t get angry if he refuses to. It’s still his body, and to ask him to live with extreme side effects of medication is a lot to ask. If your partner brings up taking medication, encourage him to research the side effects himself and see if they are something he is willing to live with.

You’ll have to hear about his ex(s)

Unfortunately, when you date someone who has lived with an STD for a while, you’re going to hear more about his past relationships than you’d like. It’s just going to come up between you asking where and how he might have contracted it, to even asking how he managed the STD in his past relationships. You won’t love hearing the graphic details of his previous sexual relationships, but you may not be able to avoid it.

Use condoms as long as you can

How many of your past relationships resulted in marriage? Probably between 0 and 2. So, with that track record in mind, the odds are that this is not the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. If you get real with yourself, you’ll realize you’d probably only accept getting an STD from somebody if you knew it was the person you’d be with forever. Don’t toss out the condoms just because you’ve been with the person for half a year, or even a full year—you’ve probably been in plenty of yearlong relationships that didn’t work out. If you catch this person’s STD, and the two of you break up, you will live with a lot of anger. Be sure he is “the one” before risking changing the state of your health forever.

Don’t tell people

Your partner will feel humiliated if he knows you’ve told friends or family about his STD. Next time he sits down at a dinner party with them, he’ll feel like they all see the word “STD!” flashing in giant red letters above his head. And newsflash for you: that kind of is what they see. Not everybody is as open minded as you are. It’s his STD—it’s his business.

Get tested frequently

The reality is, just by having sexual encounters with an infected person, you put yourself at risk for contracting their STD. If you’re in a long-term relationship with an infected person, get tested at least twice a year. If your tests come out clean, you can have your mind at ease; if you do turn out to catch the STD, then you can at least stop taking all the precautions you had been taking to avoid it. It’s a bleak “upside”, but it’s a real one.

Don’t talk about it more than you have to

In the end, by taking the right precautions, your partner’s STD rarely needs to be discussed. You two can have a code word for when he’s having a breakout, so you know to leave his downstairs area alone, and that can be that. Having too many conversations about it can kill your partner’s libido so just have one or two big conversations in the beginning of the relationship, make a game plan, and then live your lives—enjoy your relationship.