Let's Recast The Wiz

Yeah I know, you saw the title and came here to verify that Hollywood had “betta” not touch that classic.

Well, you are in luck because, as far as I know, Hollywood has yet to announce a remake of The Wiz. (A cinematic retelling of the broadway musical, The Wiz: The Super Soul Musical “Wonderful Wizard of Oz,”which is a retelling of L. Frank Baum’s The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.) But who knows, the day is still young. And after reading that a remake of Roots and a sequel to It’s A Wonderful Life were both in production, I’m sure we can expect to hear plans for a new The Wiz adaption by Christmas.

So in order to get a jump on the possible crappy remake of something that didn’t need to be remade, I decided to come up with a cast list of who should be in the remake of the remake of the original, which was actually a reproduction of the book.

Dorothy Gale: In the black version of Frank L. Baum’s classic tale, Dorothy was a 24-year-old sheltered schoolteacher, who “never been south of 125th Street.” And she was played no other than by the incomparable and fabulous Diana Ross. I know everybody is thinking Beyonce because she can dance, sing and is a diva too like Ms. Ross. But that’s too obvious and no one is trying to hear her recite Dorothy’s lines in that horrible faux Houston accent while doing that shoulder bounce thing she does and swinging her hair in leotards…because Beyonce is over the top. So let’s just let Beyonce do the soundtrack, mkay? And I know some of y’all are thinking about Rihanna but just stop thinking that. I mean, if we were casting The WIZ: All Over Your Face Adult Videos, than okay. But we are just going to have to let Jennifer “Effie-in-Every-Role” Hudson do it. No one can fake (?) the deer-in-headlights innocence needed for the role more than J Hud, just peep her as the real life version of a Disney Princess. And why hasn’t J Hud remade Home yet?

Miss One, the Good Witch of the North: If we recall, it was numbers running Miss One, played by Thelma Carpenter, who gave a shoeless Dorothy a pair of snazzy silver stilettos to rock on her journey to see the wiz. No, they weren’t Tom Ford but they had other fashionable magic powers, which with one click of the heel transformed into a stunning pair of ruby red freakum pumps (which, by the way, is the title song on the new Beyonce-produced soundtrack). Only a bold swanky witch would demand a costume change that dramatic. That’s why I nominated the legendary Grace Jones for this role. And I also nominated that we give her some macaroni noodles, some ostrich feathers and a glue gun and let her to design her own Good Witch costume. Tom Ford, who?

The Scarecrow: Played by no other than the late and great Michael Jackson (moment of silence…), this is really a tough role to recast. Even thinking about it makes me want to start a preemptive Change.org demanding that the Justice Department investigate whoever idea it was to remake The Wiz for hate crimes. I am trying to get through this list without saying Chris Brown however he can sing, dance and if were talking about someone needing a brain. And then, Eureka…

R Kelly! Think about it? No seriously, really think about it? Do you want to see Chris Brown do an exact replica of You Can’t Win (a replica that will never going to feel like Micheal Jackson and only add to your resentment of him) or do you want to see Kellz flip the script and give us his own Trapped in the Closet version on the signature song? Listen those crows always looked suspect to me and they probably had some serious bones in the closet in need to be sung about in 12-parts. We’ll just have to make sure that when Dorothy and ‘dem skip down the Yellow Brick Road, it’s not just some random street that he took a piss on. I’m just saying…

Herman Smith aka The Wiz: This one is easy: RuPaul. Why? Well because this role requires over-the top-ness, fabolousity, eleganza-extravaganza and other “made-up” words. RuPaul is fierce enough to teach them children of the Emerald City their colors (“I want to be seen. Green..wouldn’t be caught. Dead. Red…”) and yet can “butch” it up enough to play the timid Herman Smith (who was originally played by Richard Pryor). Besides I’m trying to see TeamRed and TeamGreen lip-sync for their lives…

Fleetwood Coupe de Ville aka the Cowardly Lion: Rick Ross. Sike, I’m just kidding. Lying-A$$ Lion. I’m honestly having a hard time casting this one. Fleetwood physically just look like a dude in a old thrift store fur coat and one of Beyonce’s wigs she left behind after cutting the soundtrack. However, the role of the black version of the Cowardly Lion was masterfully played (seriously standing ovation to this guy) by Ted Ross, who some folks may also recognize as Dean Harris on both “The Cosby Show” and “A Different World.” Only person, who I could think of is Anthony Anderson. And that’s because he can act, he’s funny and most importantly, he is round…or he used to be.

The Tin Man: Although the comedic great Nipsey Russell played this role pretty straight forward, I always thought that the Tin Man was a funny dude, mainly because he looked mad uncomfortable in his suspenders and metal drawers. That’s why I think Mike Epps would be freaking hilarious in this part. In addition to being a sometimes funny comedian, he is also a “hey, he’s not bad at all” actor. And even though some of his standup suggests otherwise, I’ve seen Epps play funny in films without overplaying the buffoonery.

Evillene: For real though, why couldn’t Mabel King be a good witch? And I’m just going to leave it at that…but since this is the newer version, let’s conceptualize ideas differently. Let’s have Phylicia  Rashad, also known as black America’s favorite television mom, play the part of the new Wicked Witch of the West. Yes, a classy, sophisticated Cruella de Vil meets Joan Crawford-type of woman, who instead of Flying Monkeys (another cringe-worthy retrospect) had an army of yapping ankle-biting, chihuahuas named Chanel, Vuitton and Red Bottoms? Although it is a total reversal of her typecast, I could see Rashad playing the part of Evillene the evil sweatshop owner, very well – either her or Nicole Kidman.

Glinda, the Good Witch of the South: I would have loved to see Lena Horne come back and pay homage to that role one more time but, you know…so I’m going to go with Patti LaBelle. Nobody knows how to shut it down, flick on the lights and show people, which door will lead them home better than Ms. LaBelle herself. Heck, she’ll even let you borrow her shoes. Tom Ford.

So these are my suggestions. And they are good ones. However if you have your own, be sure to leave your own suggestions in the comment section below.